The Terrible Joke Thread

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I was in the office of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

There’s outrage over the price of hearing aids going up. All around the country people deaf people are going “how much?”.

One arm butlers they can take it but they cant dish it out

When it comes to cosmetic surgery a lot of people turn their noses up

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said Television for Sale 1- Volume Stuck On Full. I thought: I cant turn that down.

So I went to the record shop and I said What have you got by The Doors? He said: A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!

1 Like
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:clap:

I laughed at that.

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[quote=“Monkey Allen”]I was in the office of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

There’s outrage over the price of hearing aids going up. All around the country people deaf people are going “how much?”.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – 1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”[/QUOTE]

All far too good for this thread.

21

[quote=“Juhniallio”]Three for a cocktail party.

They have to be told as three jokes in a row.

  1. Q. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
    A. The ultra-sound guy.

.[/QUOTE]

Q Who’s the next best if he isn’t around?

A The hip replacement guy

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[quote=“Mac”]Q Who’s the next best if he isn’t around?

A The hip replacement guy[/QUOTE]

:smiley:

23

Al Jazeera have released an apparently ‘recent’ recording of Osama Bin Laden where he says that Liverpool were shite at the weekend.

Experts are skeptical though as they believe it could have been recorded months ago.

24

Some twat keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down the phone.
I keep telling him to fuck off but he’s adamant.

25

2 mexicans are walking through the desert. They’ve been walking for days and are on the brink of death. Suddenly they spot a large tree draped in rashers and rashers of bacon.

“Ey essay” Said Miguel. “We’re saved, eets a bacon treeee”

Miguel runs towards the tree leaving Paulo behind. Just as he gets to the tree, he is shot in the chest and falls backwards.

“Noooo” shouts Paulo as he runs to help his friend. “Miguel, wha’ happened, essay?”

“Quick” Miguel gasps with his dying breaths “Run, Paulo. Eets not a bacon tree…eets a ham bush!”

26

…

27

It could also be Rocko to be fair.
He loves the retro stuff.

Tom.

28

:rolleyes:

Who is this utter mong?

29

Don’t know if I posted this before but I think it’s class.

A Cavan man loses his wife and approaches the local paper to place her death notice in the obituary section.

The editor tells him that the first three words are free but after that he is charged by the word.

‘I’m a bit short on cash at the moment’ says the Cavan lad. ‘MARY IS DEAD will have to do’.

The editor feels sorry for him and offers him three extra words for nothing.

‘Very well’ says the Cavan lad.

‘Put… MARY IS DEAD. HAY FOR SALE.’

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I am Tom Barry.
If you don’t know who I am then you have no experience of the Internet.
Have you heard of the Rolling Stones? Nelson Mandela? Bobby Jones? Luke Skywalker?
All less famous than me.

Tom.

31

Is this the same Cavan man who handed the barman the exact change in the Parnell Mooney? :rolleyes:

32

What do gay horses eat for dinner?

Haaaayyyy!

33

Duran Duran have just released the official England world cup song.

His name is Rio and he watches from the stand.

34

What do you ball a Muslim construction worker? Ahmed Ashed.

35

I went to a seafood disco last night … i pulled a mussel

36

Stephen Hawkin has just returned from his first date in years covered in bruises with a broken wrist…apparently she stood him up

37

My girlfriend just found out that i’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.
His condition is described as stable.

A Muslim walks into a pub and the barman says, “Why the wrong place?”

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.