Every six-a-side team contains a selected motley crew ranging from playboys to psychos. Here are a few of the various types of players, no matter where you play, you always seem to come across:
The Fog Horn: This is the player who, as his playing ability diminishes during the game, gets louder while standing in the same spot on the pitch berating his team-mates who are not carrying out the marking/defending/running duties that he should be doing.
High Plains Drifter: The player who drifts up the field and then doesn’t come back down to defend, possibly due to altitude sickness, but obviously not due to laziness.
Fud : An underdeveloped footballer. The player who only has the ability to do one or two things well, such as running up and down the field and being awkward, while all the other critical aspects of the game such as passing, shooting and tackling are totally beyond him. Key sign: Inability to remember the names of his fellow players (even if he’s been playing with the same players for years).
The Dog: Like his canine namesake, this player faithfully and enthusiastically turns up all the time. Loved by everyone, but absolutely no use at football whatsover. In fact if a real dog turned up with a fiver he would get a game before the ‘The Dog’. Vital to the on going success of the team because he’s guaranteed to turn up week after week. Name derived from the final selection in any schoolyard football game when the captain is faced with the choice of the fat kid or the dog: ‘Fook it - we’ll take the dog.’
The Boomerang: Similar but opposite to ‘The Dog’. This is an unloved player who, no matter what you do to get him to pi$$ off for good, keeps coming back week after week after fooking week.
Easy-Jet Keeper: Like the airline, when taking his turn in goal it’s a very quick turnaround, ‘Is it my turn?’ followed by a dubious fumble/tumble/mishap (delete as appropriate) and then a ‘Right, I’m coming back out now.’ Part of the problem here is that like an Easyjet destination the Easyjet keeper is nowhere near where he should be, i.e. the goal, when he makes his mistake.
The Man’s Man: Exponent of the ‘man’s game’. If in doubt (as in all the time) go in HARD! Excuses heard while waiting for the ambulance to gather various shattered limbs include: ‘It’s a man’s game’, ‘It’s a contact sport’, ‘I got a touch on the ball’, and most damnng of all ‘It was a 50-50 ball’. Usually has a flash car and a small cock.
La Liga: Usually a last minute call up. A player who, like a Spanish fooballer in a Sunday league game, completely outclasses everyone. He runs riot, scoring goals for fun, waltzing up and down the park with the ball at his feet. Because he makes the opposition, and perhaps even importantly his own team, look less than ordinary, he never gets asked back.
The Enthusiast: Loves the game and is playing because it’s fun. Win or lose it’s only a game! HATED by everyone! If on the losing team his good natured sporting banter is annoying and a sign to his team-mates he’s not taking it seriously. If on the winning team his good natured sporting banter is annoying and patronizing to the losing side. Never gets asked back.
Velcro: The ball sticks to this player. He can walk through the defence like a hot knife through butter. But unfortunately such is his love affair with the ball, and himself, he doesn’t want to give it to anybody else. Seldom passes, seldom shoots.
Elsie/ LC/ Loose Cannon: A player who is a part time tree dweller. As soon as the ball passes the half-way line he’s going to have a shot. And as the name suggests it could go anywhere! Though, usually nowhere near the goal, more often than not, out of the park and into those tree branches. ‘You put it there! Now go and fooking get it!’
Banker: The footballing ability of this individual is not important - just his ability to ensure that the money is collected, the pitch paid for and that enough players turn up. There are three ways into this job: (i) organise and set up the game/team, (ii) forcibly take over running it, or in most cases (iii) draw the short straw. Only one way to lose it: p!ss everyone off.
Ball Sack: This is where you have a team within a team. Usually two players who decide that they don’t need anybody else in their team. Cue lots of silky interlinking play and four remaining brassed off players. Seems slightly homoerotic to outsiders. The Ball Sack will engineer team selection so that Surprise! Surprise! he’s on the same team as his pal every week. Worse combination possible: Two Boomerangs in a Ball Sack.
I think I possibly play the part of a number of these roles in thefreekick.com team. hi5