Marty's jokes


My friend the actor gets really upset when he has to go down the trapdoor at the moment.
It’s just a stage he’s going through.


Don’t ever buy a bonnie Tyler Sat nav. It keeps telling you to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

The upholsterer was in a bad accident but he’s fully recovered now


I thought the flowers I bought my wife had died but when I got up this morning they were alive again. They must be reincarnations.


For the day that’s in it.

I’ve got my sitcom boxes on a bookshelf in my room and my music magazines in the locker beside my bed. I like to keep my friends close and my NMEs closer.


Be careful buying second hand violins lads. It could be a fiddle.


Today is International Women’s Day. It was meant to be yesterday but they took longer than expected to get ready.


Spike Milligan sent a telegram to his paranoid friend Peter Sellers which read “Ignore first telegram”.


My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.


@Fitzy what do you call a lazy kangaroo baby?

A pouch potato.


I laughed at that.


We’re here to serve.


In possibly his greatest joke ever, Marty is broadcasting from the Pendulum Summit!


I’ll look out for him


Comedy gold. “I’ll be chatting to the organiser of the event after the break” but didn’t name him. The organiser turned out to be Frankie Sheahan who claimed he was very nervous. Marty missed an open goal by not asking if he was collared for a drugs test.


If I had a penny for every time I was asked to look after a dog I’d have a pound.