I posted this in the original “Stupid things mates have said thread” but it didnt appear at the top of the forum so here’s a new one
Two more classics from the Mouldy Balls archive:
Driving Test
Mouldy arrives at the test centre all ready to rock and roll, after being taking driving lessons for roughly a year. Examiner asks to have a look at his provisional licence. Upon inspection it’s revealed that the licence is only for bike and not a car, the vehicle he had been learning to drive. IDIOT.
IDIOT
After mentioning to Mouldy that a position was available in my place of work he informed me that he was interested. IDIOT. I decided to ask him what exactly could he bring to the job. In particular I asked him his level of knowledge of Excel. His response “Whats excel?” and no folks he’s not from outer Mongolia although he is a mong.
A mate of ours earned the moniker piss hands after asserting that an arse should be wiped back to front as opposed to the usual balls to back direction. This is achieved by approaching through the legs, leaving the cock’n’bollock dangling over the inner forearm. In the face of growing evidence that he was the only one who believed this to be the case he asserted that “You’re all wrong, I’ve always done it like that.”
There’s no justification for Piss Hands. What an astonishing admission that was, but he thought he was in the majority until everyone started laughing at him.
Same lad had a cracking puke on himself when sitting on the jacks. Tried to puke while taking a dump so went for the little gap at the front between his legs. That can only have been a disaster.
There’s no justification for Piss Hands. What an astonishing admission that was, but he thought he was in the majority until everyone started laughing at him.
Same lad had a cracking puke on himself when sitting on the jacks. Tried to puke while taking a dump so went for the little gap at the front between his legs. That can only have been a disaster.
I met him the night this happened. Having attempted the triangular puke and failed, he left the pub and went for a nightlink(where I met him). This nightlink takes about an hour. So he spent about 2 hours with his own puke in his boxers and jeans before he managed to get himself cleaned up. Horror show!
On the plus side, I’ve seen him puke on a bird and still score her 20 minutes later- Respect!
I want to talk about Jugs, the goal-shy www.thefreekick.com striker, and the ridiculous deeds he has done:
Myself, Jugs and Cesc4 used to live out in Stillorgan a few years ago. Anyway, we were running down our lease out in the house and moved into a new house one midweek evening (the night Porto won the European Cup if memory serves me correctly). We had only been given one set of keys when we moved into the gaff there initially and got two more sets cut ourselves. So having only given the one set of keys back to the landlord it meant Jugs was still in possession of a key for the Stillorgan gaff as he went for pints after work on the subsequent Friday.
Now Jugs had quite a copious amout of pints that night followed by a few vodkas and maybe topped if off with some wine in Legg’s or somewhere. As the night ended the messily drunk Jugs managed to hail a taxi and after the enquiry from the driver as to where he was headed for, the inebriated young scally replied, ‘Stillorgan’.
So Jugs got out of the taxi outside our old house, let himself in using the key and stumbled upstairs and into his old room completely oblivious to the fact that he’d just dropped down onto a bare matress with there being no sheet, pillow or duvet on the bed.
He was so drunk that he simply passed out for the night and woke up late the next morning. Having crawled off the bed he opened up his drawer to throw on a fresh t-shirt before heading downstairs and was amazed to discover it was completely empty. Still not twigging what was going on Jugs strolled down to the living room to flick on the TV only to also find there was no television to be seen either.
So as he stood in the middle of the living room wearing nothing but his crusty boxer shorts and with a raging hangover Jugs realised he was in fact in the incorrect house.
Wouldn’t class him as a mate, but Bandage once told me to look up the word bigotry when I called him a bigot for calling anybody involved with Rangers huns.
Farmer once claimed that Gary McAllister was on 80k a week when he was at Liverpool.
Without wanting this to degenerate into a discussion of bigotry how exactly is calling Rangers players/fans etc bigotry?
Rangers aren’t a racial or ethnic group. They were labelled “marauding huns” by the international press after they rioted in Barcelona when they won the Cup Winners Cup. Their racial background doesn’t come into it.
I think Farmer started out higher than 80k but settled on that eventually.
Wouldn’t class him as a mate, but Bandage once told me to look up the word bigotry when I called him a bigot for calling anybody involved with Rangers huns.
Farmer once claimed that Gary McAllister was on 80k a week when he was at Liverpool.
stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one’s own. [/b]
The conversation started with the usual, here Bandage what’s so great about Celtic and how comes you don’t support Man City anymore. So I got the usual spiel about Celtic being an all-inclusive club. Except for huns I inquired. At which point Bandage lauched into a rant about how the hun bastards are bigots. I pointed out the hypocrisy. It’s plain as day tbh. As I recall you were brought into the debate Rocko and agreed that it was actually bigoted but posited some sort of justification.
Not being snobby here Clarkey but Dictionary.com aren’t the most reliable of dictionaries. They rely on loads of different sources for their definitions (some reputable dictionaries, some not). Using an established dictionary like Webster’s produces the following for bigot:
a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance
The original definition suggests any intolerance of other beliefs is bigotry. So people who don’t tolerate nazis or racists are bigots? Nonsense.
Webster’s definition is far more accurate because it talks of obstinate or intolerant devotion, mentions prejudices and clarifies that it’s especially used for hatred and intolerance of racial and ethnic groups.
In other words dictionary.com’s first definition is a pile of shite.
ClarkeyCat is right. I remember Clarkey and Bandage having this conversation. Its fairly straightforward really. Bigotry is allowed on here and Ball Ox was banned. It’s hypocritical if you ask me.
Don’t have time to respond to this in detail now but sometimes the crass stupidity of people astounds me - ClarkeyCat and Flano in this case. Incredible. I’ll be back on this later after what promises to be a very enjoyable conference call.
