Terrible Joke Thread


[quote=“Juhniallio”]Three for a cocktail party.

They have to be told as three jokes in a row.

  1. Q. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
    A. The ultra-sound guy.


Q Who’s the next best if he isn’t around?

A The hip replacement guy


[quote=“Mac”]Q Who’s the next best if he isn’t around?

A The hip replacement guy[/QUOTE]



Al Jazeera have released an apparently ‘recent’ recording of Osama Bin Laden where he says that Liverpool were shite at the weekend.

Experts are skeptical though as they believe it could have been recorded months ago.

Liverpool FC 2015/2016

Some twat keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down the phone.
I keep telling him to fuck off but he’s adamant.


2 mexicans are walking through the desert. They’ve been walking for days and are on the brink of death. Suddenly they spot a large tree draped in rashers and rashers of bacon.

“Ey essay” Said Miguel. “We’re saved, eets a bacon treeee”

Miguel runs towards the tree leaving Paulo behind. Just as he gets to the tree, he is shot in the chest and falls backwards.

“Noooo” shouts Paulo as he runs to help his friend. “Miguel, wha’ happened, essay?”

“Quick” Miguel gasps with his dying breaths “Run, Paulo. Eets not a bacon tree…eets a ham bush!”



It could also be Rocko to be fair.
He loves the retro stuff.




Who is this utter mong?


Don’t know if I posted this before but I think it’s class.

A Cavan man loses his wife and approaches the local paper to place her death notice in the obituary section.

The editor tells him that the first three words are free but after that he is charged by the word.

‘I’m a bit short on cash at the moment’ says the Cavan lad. ‘MARY IS DEAD will have to do’.

The editor feels sorry for him and offers him three extra words for nothing.

‘Very well’ says the Cavan lad.



I am Tom Barry.
If you don’t know who I am then you have no experience of the Internet.
Have you heard of the Rolling Stones? Nelson Mandela? Bobby Jones? Luke Skywalker?
All less famous than me.



Is this the same Cavan man who handed the barman the exact change in the Parnell Mooney? :rolleyes:


What do gay horses eat for dinner?



Duran Duran have just released the official England world cup song.

His name is Rio and he watches from the stand.


What do you ball a Muslim construction worker? Ahmed Ashed.


I went to a seafood disco last night … i pulled a mussel


Stephen Hawkin has just returned from his first date in years covered in bruises with a broken wrist…apparently she stood him up


My girlfriend just found out that i’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.
His condition is described as stable.

A Muslim walks into a pub and the barman says, “Why the wrong place?”

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.


What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…but she did.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don’t want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what i thought it was

A mate of mine recently denied being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! stuff that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a pee.”

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i’d like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


My racing snail was too slow and never won any races. So I removed it’s shell to make him faster and more aerodynamic.

it didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.