Terrible Joke Thread


#81

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.

He hands the bottle to the English man, who toasts, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.’’

The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, who replies:

‘‘No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Garda get here!’’


#82

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.


#83

That’s not a terrible joke. That’s brilliant!


#84

Winner.


#85

They found a mummy in Egypt this week covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. Apparently it was Pharoh Rocher


#86

Last week I had a dream that I won a million quid. All I woke up with was a fiver.

The next night I dreamt that I won a car. All I woke up with was a horn.


#87

Paddy rings his new girlfriend’s door bell, holding a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says ‘This is for the flowers!’

‘Don’t be silly,’ says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!’


#88

During religion class the teacher asks the children where is Jesus now?
Little Mikey says, he’s up in Heaven miss.
Little Mary says, he’s everywhere miss.
Then Little Johnny says, he’s in our bathroom at home miss.
Why do you think that Johnny asks the teacher?
Well miss, every morning my father roars into the bathroom, “Jesus Christ are you still in there?”


#89

When I get home I am going to rip my wife’s knickers off.

They are fucking killing me.


#90

A penguin brings his car to a mechanic on a warm summer day. While the car is being checked he decides to go across the road to buy an ice cream. Some of the ice cream melts on him as he’s eating it.
He heads back to the garage, the mechanic says “You’re after blowing a seal” . The penguin replies " nah it’s just ice cream mate".


#91

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.

The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”


#92

You can no longer play shots in snooker with any aids.

The rest is history.


#93

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I’m going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can’t raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody
he’s dead.‘
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
’ What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
and made a profit of €898’
The farmer said, 'Didn’t anyone complain?'
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.’ Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland


#94

My friend failed his forklift course this morning.
Just couldn’t pick it up.


#95

What kind of biscuits can fly?
Plane ones.


#96

I’m getting rid of my Hoover it’s only gathering dust around the place.


#97

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It’s an obscure number you’d never have heard of it

On reflection that’s better than terrible


#98

Why did the hipster burn his mouth ?

He ate his food before it was cool .


#99

My internet bride arrived yesterday.

She’s the WiFi always wanted.


#100

For the night that’s in it

Donkey walks into a bar and sees there’s a horse in the bar as well.
Donkey starts speaking to the horse, “So what do you do?”

“Oh in the summer I do flat racing and in the winter I do the jumps.” says the horse.

“Ever won anything?” the donkey asks

“Well I’ve won the national and the gold cup jumping and the triple crown on the flat” says the horse.

Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a proper thoroughbred.

“What do you do?” Asks the horse.

All embarrassed the donkey says “oh… uh… well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beach”

They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey’s house for drinks next week. Donkey’s thinking to himself he’s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.

Horse comes round and goes “Oh this is a nice house you’ve got, that’s a nice picture too”

Donkey says “Oh aye, that’s when I played for Juventus”