That’s a nice piece.
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‘Only Donald Trump’s WWIII can stop Liverpool winning the Premier League’
Billy Keane
Leicester is a harmless sort of a place. Lots of red-brick houses stuck on to each other. Plenty of takeaways for the peckish. There are too many slot machines in the pubs but the natives are sports-mad.
On this small-to-middling-sized city in the English midlands rests the fate of mankind.
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US President Donald Trump with a sign that many fans of ‘The Kop’ could have adopted over the last 30 years. Photo: Getty Images
Leicester City are in second place in the Premier League, 13 points behind Liverpool, who worse again, have a game in hand.
Manchester United, the most loved club ever, are a mere 27 points behind Liverpool, who are near certainties to win the title for the first time in 30 years. Lads who never proclaimed their Liverpoolness are wearing the club shirts and are referring to Liverpool as “us” and “we”.
Even VAR is on their side. Technology recently gifted Liverpool a couple of favourable calls against Wolves. Everyone loves them, everyone wants them to win.
There are boy and girl Liverpool supporters who will be blowing out 30 candles this year who have never seen Liverpool win the league.
I still cannot find it in my heart to love Liverpool enough to wish them to win. It’s not easy watching them play like United used to. They stole our style and robbed our swagger. Liverpool haven’t been beaten in the Premier League for a whole year.
United win one and then lose the next game. On Saturday, Tahith Chong, an up-and-coming United star, was kicked off the pitch by Wolves. Not one United player exacted retribution or manned up in any way. Liverpool, right now, would die for the jersey.
It’s hard to watch Jurgen Klopp going on and on about his team. He is a good talker but Klopp is permanently delighted. If he was an ice cream he would lick himself.
Behind
I can’t take any more. Munster are behind Leinster. Kerry are behind Dublin. Listowel Emmets are behind St Senan’s. It has gone wrong for all of my teams, and at the same time.
It was Anfield and United were thrashed. We were young lads and had to keep the jerseys hidden under our jackets as some of the Liverpool fans can become somewhat less than solicitous. I have seen real heartfelt hatred for Liverpool-United games. Not for me. My pal, who was also from Kerry, said: “Cheer up, it’s not exactly an All-Ireland final we are after losing here.”
I have followed Manchester United ever since I was a small boy and there is no nicer day out than a family trip to Old Trafford. But it’s not Kerry, Munster or The Emmets.
I have had some wonderful days too at Aintree. Liverpool people are funny, caring and welcoming. Just don’t wear a Manchester United jersey in public. Yet the current Liverpool manager comes from a country that not all that long ago fought two world wars against England. Klopp is much loved in Liverpool, which is the way it should be. I just don’t get all this hate stuff.
Still, something must be done to stop Liverpool and something must be done quickly.
Here’s a brilliant and cunning plan I have only just come up with this second. The plan has drawbacks and sacrifices must be made.
Ole Gunnar will need board approval and any chance of qualifying for the Champions League will be blown away. Marcus Rashford is one of the best players in the world. The January transfer window is down on top of us. Rashford will be sent on loan to Leicester City until the end of the season. Am I a mad genius or what? The Joker wouldn’t even think of that one.
Donald Trump just has to be all against the ‘Pool’. Who else would try to engineer World War III just as Liverpool are romping away with the Premier League for the first time in 30 years? The conspiracy theorists are sure Trump takes his orders from The Kremlin. But could it be Donald is a Manchester United spy? Only Leicester can save the world now, but they need help.
Part two of my evil and cunning plan does not involve wanton global destruction and the unnecessary deaths of millions.
Part two is inspired by the siege of a city in Asia Minor about 3,000 years ago. The Trojan Horse was left outside the gates of Troy as a gift. The daft eejits inside Troy brought the horse in behind the walls. Out comes a load of soldiers from the belly of the wooden horse and they bate the livin’ daylights out of the Trojans.
Paul Pogba, the man we thought would be our saviour, is wrecking our heads. Dara Murphy worked longer hours than Pogba.
We leave Pogba outside Anfield in a Liverpool jersey. He’s a free transfer. United can say this is no more than a post-Christmas present to much-loved neighbours. A to-be-sure to-be-sure reconciliation gesture to make sure Liverpool win the Premier League. Liverpool take Paul in and his impact is a very negative one.
It’s a good plan but Trump’s end-of-the-world option may be the only way of stopping Liverpool.
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What a ball of shite.
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