Chelsea demand fixture change

Chelsea ask UEFA to reconsider Champions League Fixture clash with Rangers

OUTRAGED Chelsea officials have asked UEFA to reconsider the timing of their home Champions League clash with Cypriot club Apoel Nicosia, after concern was expressed about the availability of flights the next morning for their fans to travel to Ranger’s clash with Sevilla and riot with bewildered Spanish police and locals.

For some years now, Chelsea fans have been travelling to Ranger’s away European fixtures to wear Stone Island jackets and Burberry scarves and riot with English accents. But UEFA’s decision to make Chelsea play their home fixture only 24 hours before the Gers’ clash with the Spanish no-hopers has put the tradition in jeopardy.


A spokesman for Chelsea said, “UEFA have to consider our fans in this. It’s fine having to come up with a fixture list in advance, but how are our fans supposed to come along to Stamford Bridge one night and be expected to be in Seville only 24 hours later? It’s foolhardy and UEFA must act”.


It’s not the first time close scheduling of matches involving the two clubs have caused concern. Only a few weeks ago, sectarian chanting and an in-stadium riot was very nearly avoided in Romania when Chelsea fans were delayed almost 2 hours by bungling air traffic control chiefs who caused their flight to take off late. Only the prompt action of sympathetic Romanian police chiefs, who closed all bar two turnstiles and chanted ‘Mon the fuckin hoops’ at the late-arriving Chelsea fans saved the former Causescu-led third-world Irish Republican nation from avoiding the monstrous scenes of lawlessness.

A spokesman for Rangers said, “everyone in football knows Chelsea fans have a knack of selectively turning up at those games where we have crowd trouble, but not at the games where there is no trouble. They have an unsurpassed record for causing utter devestation and mayhem wherever they go, with dignity and staunchness and dignity”.

One Rangers fan said, “It’s just not right that we can’t get fans of another club 500 miles away to come to our away European games on time so that they can sing anti-Irish songs they’ve never heard of before in a Scottish accent, chant abuse at the head of a church that many of them belong to, and cause bother”.


And the shocking state of affairs took another turn last night when outraged Spanish police chiefs joined the chorus of disapproval.

A spokesman for the Seville Association of Police Officers confirmed, “UEFA must get their act together. Our association now faces considerable unrest from officers who were counting on the Rangers match here for some much-needed overtime. They need the additional income from the overtime at the Rangers game, which would be caused by the arrival of a collection of fans from another club coming to cause the trouble despite the fact that none of them have English accents and they all have small Ayrshire and Lanarkshire towns on the ‘date of birth’ section of their passports. UEFA need to sort it out”.


Last night UEFA confirmed that they were looking at the situation. “We recognise the difficulty that Rangers face in this situation and will try to find a solution. We need to make sure that there are enough people to go to Seville, wear union jacks, lie down in the street after pishing their own trousers, vomit over themselves, urinate in religious fountains, hurl abuse at innocent people in the street and be bit in the face by the German Shephards from the Perros unit of the Policia Nacional or Guardia Urbana. If Rangers can’t blame innocent Chelsea fans who have never been outside London or know where Glasgow is for doing this, then another club will need to step up to the plate”.

Is the point of this satire that Rangers fans blame Chelsea fans for causing trouble at their games but Celtic fans don’t believe that they go to the games at all?

yes, they blamed chelsea fans for manchester


That’s horrendously written, it has to be said.

True Bandage. It’s not even funny either. Stone Island and Burberry are so 90s and the London chaps are well ahead of the game :rolleyes: