[quote=“WhyOhWhy”]following on…
A Maddie McCann - Fuck knows where its gone[/quote]
I thought it was when you “accidentally” left the ball in the 18th hole and went to the 19th hole for a gargle!
or even: In a bunker somewhere…
GAA from Martin Breheny of the Independent.
My sister took an English relation to a club game of ours
many years ago. During the course of the game, when things weren’t going
too well for one of our corner backs, a woman in the crowd was
shouting: “Take that useless ct off, he’s good for nothing".
Needless to say, the English relation was horrified at such
a remark and tried to reason with the lady
saying: “There’s no need for that language, I’m sure you
wouldn’t like someone saying those things about your son,” to which she replied:
sure, the useless ct is my son!”
I was at an Armagh match in the early 90s with a neighbour of mine
who’s loud by nature but is particularly vocal at matches (a
bit rough
around the edges you might say). Anyway, he took particular
umbrage at one particular Armagh player who wasn’t having a great game. At one
stage he shouts out the name of the player and roars:
if they won’t take you off, for f**ks sake, walk off!"
Didn’t hear this one myself, but the great Willie Joe Padden
told me it
at last years Mayo v Galway match from an ould fella behind
him. Just
after Conor Mortimer missed the chance with the free, he stood up
screaming: “Jesus, if Lee Harvey Oswald had been from Mayo,
JFK’d be alive and kicking!”
A barrell of a man who was very much involved in Laois GAA was at a
junior football match in Abbeyleix one night, and he went
on just to make up numbers (jersey pulled on, playing with the socks
around the trousers and someone else’s boots). Anyway, he was running
around but the low stature was telling and one of the lads shouted at
him: “For
fks sake Sabu (his nick name), will you go up for the ball
to which he
replied: "sure I’m not a fking eejit, won’t it come down to me!”
At a reserve game in Co. Derry, one team who had only the
bare fifteen trotted off at the break getting pretty badly beaten.
Johnny at full
forward was having a nightmare… here is part of the half
time talk: Manager: “Johnny, you’re coming off.”
Johnny: “but we only have the bare 15.”
short pause]
Manager: “come off anyway.”
Galway minors played KK in the All-Ireland semi-final in '88.
The cats (Carey, Ronan, O’Neill, Carter, etc.) were walking it. Ronan was
injured in the second half and the Kilkenny doc was stitching
him on the field.
As the time went on, a disgruntled Galwayman shouts:
If ye don’t hurry up, he’ll be over age!"
At a minor league game a couple of years ago, our manager
was giving
the usual effing and blindin’ to us when a spectator said to him
overthefence: “Don’t be so ignorant…(short pause)…
ye big fat f**ker ye.”
Nice Tipperary one. Workmates console Eddie Tucker after Tipp are
demolished by Clare and he’s had a bad
day: “don’t worry about it Eddie, it wasn’t your fault, it’s
the fecin eejits that picked ya.”
Another classic I’ve been told involves the Ballygar-St. Brendan’s
hurling club in Galway where a major dispute reared it’s
head at the AGM. The chairman is reportedly a straight-talking bachelor of
questionable diplomacy. Amidst the row, a newly appointed
priest took the floor commenting on how the GAA should be a focal point
for the 2 parishes, not a source of argument. He continued on about how
everyone should pull together for the good of the club and see the club as a
unifying force. The chairman stood up and said:
Thanks a lot for that now Father, but that’s the kind of
s**te that sickens my hole."
A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple of Beers.
One questions the other two, 'listen, it’s our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to…um…you know… DO
IT?
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see
how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over
breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, 'Hold on lads, we can’t discuss our
first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new
wives sat with us’
'No you’re right. What we’ll do then, is for every piece of toast we
order with our breakfast, that’ll be the amount times we did it’, offers
another groom.
They all decide it’s an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit
dishevelled, but that’s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely
stagger across the room to their tables.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, 'Hello, I’ll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please’.
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, 'I too
shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast’
The waitress gets to the last groom. 'I shall also have the full
English breakfast please, yet I shall have…’
he takes a deep breath, ‘SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST’ he calls for
everyone’s benefit, whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor
schlong must be.
‘Seven pieces of toast sir?’ queries the waitress, 'Why, that’s an awful
lot’
‘Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.’
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the
groom calls after her again…
‘And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown?’
titter for yer friday
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
whats green and eats nut?..syphilis
did you hear about the midget who walked into a brothel?..he got a box in the face…
Genius
I like this one:
A man walks into a petrol station and asks, ‘Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?’
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
‘No,’ says the man, ‘I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat cunt.’
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A black guy walks into a golf club in England and asks for a membership form as he wants to join. The guy behind the desk looks a bit startled, rummages around for a while and then declares he has no forms and maybe come back in a few weeks. So a few weeks later the guy comes back to the club and the same golf club official is behind the desk. And the black guy asks for a membership form again. The official has a look in a few drawers and under some paperwork and eventually just sighs and says to the other guy:
“Listen between myself and yourself you’re not going to get accepted here so you’re wasting your time applying. Head out the door, turn left down the road there for ten minutes and you’ll come to a public course and you’ll be more than welcome there.”
And the black fellow replies “Are you serious? Do you even know who I am?”
“No, should I?”
“I’m Linford Christie.”
Suitably embarrassed the official replies: “Sorry Linford, didn’t recognise you there. In that case it should only take you about five minutes.”
A one-armed man was strolling down the road carrying a light bulb in his hand when he was spotted by one of his mates.
‘What are you up to pal?’
‘Just off to change a light bulb?’
‘Will you not have difficulty doing that mate?’
‘Nah, I have the receipt with me.’
Q: Who’s the only twenty stone man ever to ride a Derby winner?
A: Lester Piggot’s cellmate.
The old ones are always the best.
I’ve been waiting for Kieran Fallon to locked up for ages so it sounds more up to date but the fucker keeps getting off.
[quote=“therock67”]A black guy walks into a golf club in England and asks for a membership form as he wants to join. The guy behind the desk looks a bit startled, rummages around for a while and then declares he has no forms and maybe come back in a few weeks. So a few weeks later the guy comes back to the club and the same golf club official is behind the desk. And the black guy asks for a membership form again. The official has a look in a few drawers and under some paperwork and eventually just sighs and says to the other guy:
“Listen between myself and yourself you’re not going to get accepted here so you’re wasting your time applying. Head out the door, turn left down the road there for ten minutes and you’ll come to a public course and you’ll be more than welcome there.”
And the black fellow replies “Are you serious? Do you even know who I am?”
“No, should I?”
“I’m Linford Christie.”
Suitably embarrassed the official replies: “Sorry Linford, didn’t recognise you there. In that case it should only take you about five minutes.”[/quote]
You didn’t happen to be watching Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned last night by any chance?
How do you make lady gaga cry? Poke her face!
What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon…Michael Jackson fucks kids.
Whats the difference between the Seoiges and a tampon?
Nothing theyre all stuck up cunts
Whats the difference between Jack Tweedy and the English cricket team?
At least Jack Tweedy will have the ashes on his mantlepiece this summer.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were walking down Baker St one day discussing Moriarty’s latest crime when all of a sudden, Holmes takes a cosh out of his pocket and wallops Watson over the head with it. He then drags a dazed Watson down a dank alleyway, bends him over a dustbin and whips his kecks down. He then takes a jar of lemon curd out and smears a load of it all over Watsons arse, which he then buggers rigourously.
When he’s finished, Watson recovers and asks, “Jesus Christ Holmes.What the hell was that?”
Holmes replys, “A lemon entry my dear Watson. A lemon entry”
how did Napoleon die?..he pulled his Bon-a-parte…
What do you call a goat on the dole?
Billy Idle.
What’s pink and bubbly and spins around in circles?
A baby in a microwave.
A man is queueing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of a lager and an Indian meal for one. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese dinner for one. He smiles and says “you’re single aren’t you”. She giggles and says “yes, how did you know?”. The man replies “cos you’re an ugly cunt!”.
Kick her in the balls?
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve broken my leg.’
‘I’m afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.’