Delighted to be back in the winner’s enclosure 
Mr. Dull and the Match That Wasn’t"
Brian Clancy was furious.
Not a little annoyed. Not grumpy. Furious.
He sat in his threadbare recliner, a beer clenched so tight in his fist it was a wonder the bottle hadn’t shattered. His face was bright red, veins pulsing near his temple like some comedy caricature of a raging football fan. Which, in fairness, Brian probably was.
It was halftime, and his beloved Hartwick Rovers were down 2-0 to Birchwood United. To make matters worse, Birchwood United had scored both goals in the most disgraceful fashion: set pieces. One was a penalty after the “softest foul you’d ever seen” (in Brian’s words, screamed at his unflinching television), and the other was a header from a free kick that Brian swore was offside, though every replay disagreed.
He roared at the commentary team as they replayed the goals:
“Mr. DULL! That’s all you are! DULL as dishwater!”
This was Brian’s signature insult. Whenever he felt the refs, players, or pundits had slighted his team—or were just generally inept—they were branded “Mr. Dull.” It didn’t matter who they were, how much they had achieved in the sport, or what they said. If Brian Clancy thought you were wrong, you were “Mr. Dull,” spat with the sort of disdain reserved for historical villains.
This afternoon, however, Brian wasn’t satisfied with shouting into the void of his living room. No, today required action.
The Hartwick Rovers online forum was where Brian went when he needed to rage properly. His user handle, TheRealHartwickLegend99, was infamous among the community.
Brian logged on and got to typing:
“Another scandalous refereeing performance. Might as well give Birchwood the title now. DISGRACEFUL. Sick to death of these clowns running the game. Oh, and don’t even start me on the ‘analysis’—Mr. Dull and his pals ruining football one drab sentence at a time.”
He hit post and leaned back, satisfied for a brief moment. The replies rolled in fast:
“Here he goes again,” said one.
“Pipe down, Brian,” said another, clearly familiar with his rants.
“Mate, it was a penalty all day.”
But Brian wasn’t the kind of fan who could be reasoned with. Especially not today. He responded with the kind of vigor only football rage can fuel:
“Penalty, my eye. If you think that’s a foul, you must work for Mr. Dull Inc. alongside those hopeless commentators.”
Satisfied he’d put the online riffraff in their place, Brian turned his fury back to the game, heart pounding as the second half began.
Something extraordinary happened. Hartwick Rovers turned the game on its head.
By the 80th minute, they were up 3-2, and Brian’s living room had transformed into a riot of uncontainable joy. The sofa was barely holding together under his bouncing. The carpet was soaked from when he spilled his third beer after Hartwick’s second goal. He even hugged his cat, a creature that normally feared him on match days.
But with six minutes left, catastrophe struck.
A Birchwood striker tumbled in the box. The referee blew his whistle. Penalty.
Brian froze, beer bottle halfway to his lips. “No,” he whispered. Then louder: “NOOO!”
Birchwood scored. 3-3.
For the final moments, Brian didn’t even sit. He paced the room, growling curses, barking instructions as though the team could hear him. And when the final whistle blew, confirming a draw, Brian erupted.
He stormed back to the forum, unleashing a tirade for the ages:
“Another game RUINED by corrupt officials. They HATE us. Always have. How much are Birchwood paying them, eh? Absolute disgrace. And don’t get me started on Mr. Dull in the studio. 'Great performance from both teams,’ he says? Are you joking? Total fraud.”
The next day, Brian’s tirade took an unexpected turn.
Hartwick Rovers posted a cheeky tweet:
“Great comeback yesterday from the lads! A draw that felt like a win
Oh, and congrats to our fan of the month… @TheRealHartwickLegend99! Thanks for your passionate support, Brian Clancy.”
Brian stared at his screen. He felt… conflicted. Part of him was flattered—fan of the month! But another part, the deeply angry part, wondered if this was mockery.
He refreshed the page. Replies were coming in:
“Well deserved!”
“Finally recognizing passion!”
“Brian, you’re a proper Mr. Dull, aren’t ya?”
That last one sent Brian seething anew. Was this banter? Were his insults now being turned against him? The cheek of it.
Still, as the notifications flooded in, he couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he wasn’t just some guy yelling into the void. Maybe, just maybe, being “Mr. Dull” wasn’t so bad after all.
For now.
1 Like
Prescient analysis. You wouldn’t get it on match of the day
1 Like
lol. Wisdom from the Haggis league enthusiast 
2 Likes
1 Like
1 Like
I’d say there’s a treasure force of contenders for you to wade through from Paddy Footix day of days.
1 Like
Yeah, i stayed out of the lancashire reds vs the Lancashire reds threads to avoid the footix comments
1 Like
A lot of prominent footix notable by their absence today
Maybe our campaign to show the shallowness of being a footix is working
1 Like
2 Likes
Fixed 
1 Like
You’re mopping up tonight
Winner alright
3 Likes
Guilty.
1 Like