Had to make an appearance at a funeral today.
Logged into online mass and spotted communion distribution was about to kick off. Hopped in the pajero and arrived outside church yard⌠bit of small talk with a few casual mourners just before the coffin emerged from the church. Lined up to sympathise with a few of the family then waited for the coffin to leave the church yard and off home again.
30 minute turnaround. Lovely bit of 
out there today.
I suppose when thereâs relations or family members involved the time versus the reward doesnât merit the suit and tie participation.
Still, nice to have a few words with the rustics outside, let them know that your still on top of your game and still pursuing any breaking ballâŚ
The chief beneficiaries are usually at one of the four corners of the coffin. Whoever lands in the passenger seat of the hearse holds the keys.
Clearly not your first rodeo. Youâve captured the line of beneficiaries exactly there.
The lad riding shotgun in the hearse becomes the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Game knows game.
Iâm the first to admit that i never mastered this business of courting the landed elderly. All of my land was required through determination, grit and hard hard graft âŚnot my own right enough, but still.
I had a similar run of good fortune lately when sympathising. Mass was in a church about a 15 minute drive away at 12:30; I left my abode at around 1:20 expecting to meet the dignitaries exiting the church before making their way to the burial.
I met an acquaintance on his way back to the car; he informed me that attendees were sympathising with the family in the church before the remains were removed to the cemetery. âYouâre timing it beautifullyâ he says to me.
Up the aisle I go; the queue only 8 or 9 long and me the very last person. I offer my condolences, and the family begin preparations for the removal immediately once I am done. I was home at 1:55. 5 minutes between leaving my car, walking to the church and shaking the hands of the 6 or 7 people I needed to meet. Iâll be due an hour and a half in a queue as punishment some day soon.
Itâs a risky enough strategy that needs work. If youâre cutting is as fine as this you need a quick line of patter (a) Zoe fell at school and cracked a tooth so I had to get her home to Bridie or (b) Bridie the daft cow ran out of diesel and I had to siphon a gallon outa the van - you know the line of patter yourselfâŚ.
This has the additional effect of you being a poor fucker with all kinds of shit exploding on you but you came to Mammyâs funeral all the same.
All be it with his pants pulled outside his wellington boots.
No doubt itâs not exactly the correct thread but I spotted 3 chaps of African extraction marching with determination across the town.
They were wearing blue jerseys, that at 1st glance were unfamiliar to me, but as I allowed a lady pushing a buggy cross the road I was able to recognise the dreaded apparel of Glasgow Rangers.
To compound my shock one of the cunts fist-pumped aggressively in my direction.
Youâd almost need a glass of whiskey to venture out nowadaysâŚ.
Used to work with a chap who was a member of Dublinâs Ranger Supporters Club, which was smartly called, âBehind Enemy Linesâ.
Horny oul goat
At a funeral in the West Cork Gaeltacht this morning. Something Iâd never seen before but I approve of, the bereaved lined up beside the coffin before the Mass and the attendance paid their respects to them as they arrived into the church. It meant that people like me who arrive early to get a seat can do the shake hands in a dignified manner and the chancers who arrive late and hang out at the back of the church are left to the unseemly scrum.
The mass was largely as Gaeilge leading to a lot of mumbling. The priest gave a perfunctory eulogy and the coffin was out of the church and we were out on our way in 45 minutes.
The coffin left the church to the strains of Trasna Na dTonnta, which I donât think Iâve heard since I left school.
Any funeral Iâve been to in Mayo hasnât had any âofficialâ sympathising section at the funeral.
Usually there is a funeral home and thatâs where itâs all done. Of course you can seek the people out at the funeral if you wish,
Thatâs how some of the tan funerals go hereâŚbut without the mass, priest, gaeilge, etc
Jesus christ i havenât heard that since i was in National school
I vaguely recall the first time I attended a church service in the English language and realised I knew none of the prayers in that language.
Would be commonplace in Cork that you could sympathise with the family in the church beforehand . Sometimes they would be seated in the front pews. It is a handy one if you canât make the removal
Funny how funeral etiquette varies from diocese to diocese.
Same in Tipp. Again the chief mourners would be seated in the first two pews and you can go up before mass.
Sympathising at the graveyard is also acceptable post the burial and prayers have been said.
Thereâd be a strong Church of Ireland influence in certain parts of the country. Make of that what you will.