I’m going to take that story and raise you.
The summer before I started commerce my mother packed me off to Boston for six weeks as part of an Iaci thing because I had got into a bit of trouble on holidays the year before with a few friends. Anyway this meant not only having to have classes and the like but also having to live with my aunt while I was there, kind of taking the fun out of the thought of going away for the summer.
Since I didn’t have any choice I decided to make the best of it and as soon as the classes started things were looking up cos there were quite a few decent american birds doing the course as well. Naturally, these girls or their parents obviously had a boner for the whole Irish thing so I thought I may be able to make a good summer of it yet. So one day, I was sitting in my chair waiting for this stupid Irish mythology thing to start and I’m trying to crack my back because they’re those really fucking uncomfortable plastic chairs, and this really hot girl in the class is looking over at me. So I like smile and she smiles back and it’s before the class so people are still talking and stuff, so she gets up and walks over to me. Now the closer she gets the more I notice how intimidatingly fucking hot she is and then she says ‘hi’ and I say ‘hi’ back and all I can think of to say is something about how hard the chairs are to sit on. She just kind of laughed and she offers to crack my back for me. That was fine by me since it’d break the excruciating silence so I stand up and she crosses her arms in front of me and stands behind me, and she sort of lifts me up against her and bounces me (best I can describe it).
Anyway it’s not working so she tries this huge bounce and something pops really loudly, and when she lets me down it’s like legs have completely gone to sleep and I just collapse on the ground in a heap. She’s just standing there looking at me and I try to get up but instead of my legs moving I hear this massive farting sound, and I start to really loudly shit my pants. Everyone’s now like ‘what the fuck is happening’ and at this stage the teacher is in the room and starts asking what’s going on. I’m fucking desperate to just run away but I can’t move and I’m still letting these loud, spluttering farts go. The teacher calls another teacher and they realise that it’s not just some freak shitting on the floor and they call an ambulance.
So I went to the hospital and it turns out that when she cracked my back my spinal cord got pinched between vertebrae and they straightened it out and I’m completely fine now. My aunt rang my mother that night and I was home before the end of July. My mother told me I could go wherever the fuck I wanted anymore.