I saw there was 80 odd comments in the thread and assumed there must have been something entertaining in it. There’s not.
How would you know you if you haven’t read it? 
Very enjoyable:grinning:
I was talking about the thread. the hopkiss nonsense I doubt anyone is reading it.
Which you said you hadn’t read. 
Jezza’s prepared to go to war with the Spanish over Gibrawlta! A rain of pain will fall from a plane, on Spain!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-43816980/Hey-Spain-Hands-off-Gibrawlta.html
HEY, SPAIN! HANDS OFF GIBRAWLTA!
Any more nonsense and Britain will Rock you!
JEREMY HOPKISS AT LARGE - BRITAIN’S NUMBER ONE!
I hate the Spanish. Always have. Lazy, greasy, smelly, paella-eating spivs who only bother to expend any energy when they talk their lisp-plagued nonsense at 100 miles an hour.
Their young are like locusts, dawdling and wandering aimlessly around London during the summer, nattering their incomprehensible heth-the-theths, taking over our buses and Tubes and preventing, good, decent hard-working British people from getting the seats that their tax money entitles them to. Hey, Spanish students, stop being so rude, stand up and let our pensioners sit down!
The feckless attitude of the Spaniards was summed up perfectly by the useless Spanish waiter in Fawlty Towers, Manuel. Manuel was from Barcelona. And he knew nothing. And neither did the rest of the Spaniards.
While Britain became the economic powerhouse of the world through good, old fashioned hard work, Spain became a wasteland. That’s hardly surprising given the Spaniards spend every afternoon literally asleep. Or having a “siesta”, as they call it. You snooze, you lose, and Spain lost.
Until the 1970s, Spain was a backward place ruled by the Roman Catholic Church, full of peasants who scrounged a living by taking their rickety old boats out to sea to catch the strange fish that inhabit their waters, making cheap, poor quality wine, hawking oranges and lemons (say the bells of St Clement’s) around Seville, or getting their donkeys to plough the arid landscape so they could grow whatever it is they grow in that semi-desert they inhabit.
They were the Arabs of Europe. A backward people living in a place with sunny weather. Hardly surprising to know Spain was once ruled by Arab Muslims. It shows.
Spain would be nothing only for the British
Even the one important thing the Spanish could be said to be actually good at – football – was given to them by the British, when British companies invested in mining in Spain, and British mine workers and railway navvies spread the gospel of the game amongst the locals.
British managers brought Spanish teams success – Patrick O’Connell, John Toshack, Terry Venables, Ron Atkinson, Bobby Robson, David Moyes. Have you ever heard any gratitude from the Spaniards for this? No, neither have I.
Then in the 1970s, Britain saved Spain. Our holidaymakers flocked to the sun. Through the money British people brought, civilisation came to Spain. Pointless fishing villages like Benidorm and Torremolinos were turned into thriving holiday resorts with skyscrapers along the beach. British bars brought culture. British restaurants brought real, proper food to Spain for the first time.
We flocked to work on our tans and spent the peseta, a currency that was as valuable as toilet roll, like it was going out of fashion.The laughter of British families filled the beaches. British families bought holiday homes, British expats made their lives there, our pensioners moved there to enjoy a well earned retirement in the sun.
Prosperity and civilisation had finally come to Spain. And, like in so many other places throughout the world, it was the British who brought it.
Our proud Rock
But there is one place on the Iberian peninsula that has always been a beacon of prosperity, civilisation and decency – Gibrawlta.
The rock which dominates the landscape of Gibrawlta symbolises the strength of British identity of these great British people. Gibrawlta is as British as Finchley. And now, like the rest of Britain, it has once again reaffirmed, through Brexit, that it is part of a proud, sovereign nation, free of the shackles of EU fascism.
But oh no, the Spaniards don’t like that. They have to go poking their greasy, dago noses into internal British affairs.
Who do these Spaniards think they are by claiming Gibrawlta?
Who do these Spaniards think they are by threatening to blockade Gibrawlta because Gibrawlta is a bastion of free trade, and of freedom?
Who do these Spaniards think they are by threatening Britain?
Who do these Spaniards think they are threatening our British expats who are keeping Spain going?
Don’t mess with us
Last Sunday, Lord Howard spoke for a nation, when he said that the Prime Minister would defend Gibrawlta by any means necessary, including war, if it came to that. It was a proud moment of British affirmation to hear such words. They were almost Churchillian in their moral clarity.
War against Spaniards is nothing new to us. It holds no fears. It never has.
Do the Spaniards know their history? Have they never heard of Sir Francis Drake, who heroically fought off the Spanish Armada in 1588? Do they know that the words “scatter her enemies” from the national anthem were written about Drake’s rout of them?
Have they never heard of the Falklands, where we destroyed another bunch of Spanish-speaking fools who thought they could take sovereign British territory? Have they never heard of the Belgrano?
Are they prepared to endure their own Belgrano, and more, over Gibrawlta? If they keep talking like they’ve been talking over the last week, they had better be.
The Spanish have never been any good at fighting, unless they’re fighting bulls. They never bothered their lazy wet backs to fight in either The Great War or the Second World War. Politically they were utterly ignorant. Their civil war in the 1930s was a fight between a bunch of Hitler lovers and a bunch of Stalinists.
They hold no fears for us. Let them send an Armada if necessary.
The Spaniards can talk all they want. The Union Jack will always fly proudly from the summit of the Rock. Gibrawlta will always remain British.
Be gone, Juan.
Otherwise, you’ll pay, José.
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cracking stuff
I love hopkiss
Have you thought about cleaning that up a bit and submitting it as a serious article to the daily mail?
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I’ve thought about cleaning it up, and have done so.
Bravo
If you have a problem, there’s always one calm and reassuring voice you can turn to…
Dear David,
I’m a successful businessman whose marriage has broken up. I want a divorce. The only problem is that before me and my wife got married, I signed a legally binding pre-nuptial agreement that in the event of us divorcing, she’d get 40% of my future earnings. But now I don’t want her to get her filthy paws on any of my money. Do I have a case here?
Dick, Felixstowe
David says:
Dear Dick,
Yes, the good news is that you do indeed have a very good case, in fact better than that, because pre-nuptial agreements are not legally binding – they are in effect gentlemen’s agreements, or in your case, a lady and gentleman’s agreement. As long as you stand firm, she won’t get her hands on a single penny of your money.
Dear David,
It’s Sunday night and I have a tonne of homework to do for school tomorrow. The teacher said it’s very important that all this homework is done, and that she’ll be collecting everybody’s copybooks for correction and that anybody who hasn’t got it done will have to write 500 lines. If I don’t bother doing my homework, will my teacher notice?
Hannah (age 12), Milton Keynes
David says:
Dear Hannah,
First of all, it’s “ton” not “tonne”. “Tonne” is a metric, European, measurement not used in Britain. We always say “ton” here.
But to answer your question, no Hannah, I’m very confident your teacher won’t notice. You can be perfectly relaxed about arriving into school tomorrow morning with no homework done.
Dear David,
I’m currently a member of the local golf club. But I’m getting a bit annoyed at having to pay the membership fee. I don’t feel like paying it, and anyway why should I have to pay? I’m thinking of telling the club to go and get stuffed. But I love playing the course and having the full use of the facilities at the club, including the bar and the gym, and I don’t want to have to give that up. What should I do?
Colin, Leamington Spa
David says:
Dear Colin
Thankfully there’s an easy solution to this. Just don’t bother paying the membership fee. You’ll still be able to play the course any time you like, and make full use of the facilities at the club - it’s just that you won’t have to pay anymore! Easy peasy!
Dear David,
I got married yesterday, and still have a bit of wedding cake left over. I’d love to keep it as a souvenir of my wedding, but it’s a very tasty cake and I’d also love to eat it. Should I keep the cake as a souvenir, or eat it?
Jane, Maidstone
David says:
Dear Jane,
The good news is that not only can you have your cake as a souvenir for the rest of your life, but you can eat it as well. So go ahead and eat it. I bet when you look tomorrow morning, the cake will still be there, just as it is now. And if you can’t figure out how that can be so, don’t ask me! But, rest assured, I’m correct on this.
Dear Dave,
I have a job interview next week. What preparation should I do?
Geoff, Sunderland
David says:
Dear Geoff,
Don’t bother doing any preparation. I’m sure everything will work out just fine. And even if it doesn’t, no job is better than a bad job. But to be honest, living in Sunderland, you don’t have much choice either way.
Dear David,
My wife and I are having serious difficulties in our marriage. She says we don’t communicate enough and that I want different things from the marriage than she does. This is true. We’ve never communicated. She’s demanding we sit down and talk about what we both want and see if we can come to an agreement. Should we sit down and talk with each other and decide exactly what it is we both want out of this?
Terry, Basingstoke
David says:
Dear Terry,
No, don’t do that. It’s obvious that you both want different things from your marriage. If you sit down and talk, that will become painfully obvious. The best way to save your marriage is by not talking – that way you won’t argue. And not arguing is always better than arguing.
Dear David,
I’m being bullied by a work colleague. He’s a horrible buffoon - arrogant, obnoxious, self-entitled, and he shoots his mouth off every day with the most ignorant nonsense. Unfortunately he’s very popular with his work mates. And to top it off, I’m supposed to be his boss. He clearly wants my job, and I feel undermined by him and am lacking in the confidence to discipline him. Can you please help me?
Tess, Maidenhead
David says:
Dear Tess,
Your colleague is clearly more popular than you and has superior leadership abilities than you have. I think you’d better let him do what he wants, because you could find yourself out of a job if you don’t. My advice is to suck it up and get on with it, and count your lucky stars that you’re in the position you’re in, because it could be a lot worse.
6 Likes
genius
Stop enabling this guy
enabling him to write cutting edge satire?
This is why satire is so hard to do now. You write something and Gregory Campbell repeats it unironically.
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Unbelievable. What a tit.
Unbelievable. Not Unbelieveable, as I wrongly spelled it. What a tit.
