I have to admit, this is my favourite type of post. Short. Sharp. And funny as fuck. Huzzah bandage!
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MacRoaster Tries To Get A Bouncer Fired
Mac sat in the corner of his local dressed in his finest Saturday night outfit - bootcut dark blue jeans, big buckled tan leather belt and his favourite blue and white pinstripe shirt, top two buttons open and thick silver chain lying on hairy enclave between where his collar bones meet at the front of his chest. A pint of Guinness in front of him and sitting with two of his pals, he looked like a man of purpose and one who was fully reinvigorated after his recent travails.
âWe shhhud head up to that Barn Dance night at Muldoons tonight, they do a lovely Guinness and savage cocktail shoshagesâ Mac said to his acquaintances.
âAmm sureâ said Gmate, uncertainly glancing over at Pikefran who added a reticent nod.
âIâm thirshtyâ says Mac, swiftly arising from his seat and fixing his belt buckle, letting out a reverberating belch before making his way over to the bar in a zig-zagging, waddling manner.
âPint of Guinnessâ Mac says assertively, leaning against the bar and navigating the environment while he waited for his partially poured pint to settle, while perusing the room he spots the jukebox, deciding to himself that the place needs livening up.
After depositing his âŹ2 coin in the machine and putting Nathan Carterâs Wagon Wheel on five times, Mac returns to his friends at the table in jovial spirits.
âHuppppppp she saidâ loos Mac in an uncivilised manner as he makes his way back to his pals at the table.
âHon the fuck there ye girls, will ye drink up and come on.â Mac impatiently shouts as he stands at the end of table.
âYouâd want to ease up there, Mac. Youâre well cut alreadyâ replies a clearly irked Gmate.
âHon the fuck and finish that pintâ Mac takes one last gulp of his pint of Guinness and firmly lays the now empty glass on the table before stumbling out the door.
Fumbling about in his pockets for the keys, he opens the door of his Pajero and hops in, wiping all the empty tin foil wrappers off the passenger seat onto the floor and laying on the horn in order to hasten the exits of Gmate and Pikefran. With no sign of any movement in the first ten seconds, he drives his Pajero forward stopping just two feet away from the pub entrance with his bumper fully visible to the bar patrons and full headlights on, blinding all facing the door.
âRock me mamma like a wagon wheelâ shouts Mac in the driver seat as he uses the Pajeroâs horn as the backing music in impressive melody.
Eventually an embarrassed Gmate and Pikefran emerge from the bar and get Mac to back up before entering the vehicle.
âWill you settle down!!â Gmate implores a clearly inebriated Mac as Mac drives blindly out of the pub car park earning a flash of the lights from the oncoming traffic.
After a few scares en-route to Muldoons and a couple of branches lodged in the front bumper, the lads arrive at their destination. Gmate and Pikefran make their way to the entrance while Mac waddles round to the back of the Pajero and goes rummaging through the rubbish there until finally locating a stetson hat from the rubble and takes into a laboured jog after the lads.
âYeoooowwwwwwâ Mac roars as he finally catches up with Gmate and Pikefran, short of breath and sweating profusely.
Walking past the doorman on the way in, Mac takes off into a burst in front of the lads with the glee of a child on Christmas morning, pulling a young girl out dancing with him, showing reluctance to join Mac in this activity, Pikefran and Gmate are drawn to intervene and pacify the flighty Mac.
âWill you settle down or youâll get pegged out of here?â âThe bouncer is over there looking at yaâ Macâs mates attempt to diffuse the pent up Mac.
âCâmon weâll have a drinkâ Gmate says to Mac, subtly trying to take him away from all the young ladies around.
Mac almost instantaneously devours his pint of Guinness as soon as it is poured and takes off jiving on the dance floor on his own much to Gmateâs chagrin.
Spotting a girl outside the toilet on her own wearing an Irish rugby jersey, Mac darts over in her direction.
âPaulie OâConnell is shome fellaâ an excited Mac enthusiastically blurts out in front of her. âDâya shee a resemblance? Da ladies are always tellinâ me weâre awful alikeâ
The girl nervously smiles at the repellent sight in front of her before reaching for her phone and pretending she is occupied.
âDâya want ta dance?â Mac doggedly sticks in there, oblivious to how repulsed the woman is of his presence, frustrated at her non-response Mac takes his stetson off and plants it on her head grabbing her arms and starts jiving with the girl outside the toilet.
Noticing what is playing out from the entrance, the bouncer rushes over and grabs Mac around the shoulders from behind, dragging him out from the shoulder.
âThatâs enough from you tonightâ the bouncer sternly tells Mac as he is brought outside the entrance.
âDâya know who I am, do ya?â Mac roars at the bouncer.
âI couldnât care who ya are, youâve had too much to drink tonight and youâre not getting back in.â the unimpressed bouncer tells Mac with a stony-faced disapproval.
âIâm the biggesht brewer in this fuckinnnâ county, now let me back back in or Iâll make a few calls and have ya sacked.â Mac says hunched over looking ragged with most of the buttons having popped off his shirt and sporting a half tucked-in, half tucked out look.
âGo homeâ the bouncer raises his voice. looking more surly by the second
âYa fucker yaâ Mac hisses at the bouncer before slowly backing up to the bumper of his Pajero.
âIâm Paulie OâConnellllllllllllâ Mac shouts as he runs head first at the bouncer from 30 yards. about 10 yards short, Mac stumbles and loses his feet and goes crashing into the garden bench outside to a deafening boom
Gmate and Pikefran alerted to what is happening at this stage, go out to find their beleaguered friend mangled in a broken garden bench with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and panting heavily. Mac makes a few valiant attempts to get out of this mess before his friends help him up and back into his Pajero as the crowd gathered scornfully shake their heads at the uncouth neanderthal being carried away.
16 Likes
Best one so far, that Gmate cunt is always ruining the craic 
4 Likes
Two right boring cunts Gmate & Pikefran.
MacRoaster is box office.
2 Likes
This boyz got talent
Happy birthday, pal.
Happy bday macdog
happy bday bessier
I love you guys
Happy birthday Mac
From the writing staff of MacRoaster.
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Gmate 
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The Christmas Party Part 1
Mac waits at the restaurant entrance for his brewing company workforce to arrive. He is wearing a black Ben Sherman jacket from the Celtic Tiger era, a pair of brown corduroy trousers, salmon shirt and a pair of dark blue deck shoes. The staff all arrive and congregate, each one greeting Mac pleasantly but not receiving the same in return.
Mac decides that theyâre ready to rock and approaches one of the waitresses.
âMacRoaster party for 9â
âYes, certainly sir, one moment pleaseâ as the waitress turns around and searches for their eating area.
âDrinks are on you tonight Mac!â yelps out of the employees
âYeâll get two drinks each and that will be thatâ Mac turns around looking sternly out under his eyes and pointing his finger.
The group are shown to their tables and the waitress asks if she can take their jackets, all of the group are happy to do so except Mac who hangs his on the back of the chair. The menus are then handed out and Mac eagerly grabs the menu off the waitress. He has positioned himself in between the only two female members of the gather, the elder lady of the two to his right who is sporting some ample cleavage and the junior member on the right who also has much skin on show. As Mac peruses his menu he canât help but have a quick glance down on his elder lady on his left.
He then proceeds to lift his head up and noticing he was roused in the act by the colleague sitting across the table he remarks âMenu looking shavageâ with a big creepy grin over his face.
The waitress is soon along with a tray of mulled wine for the guests. She is assisted by another waitress who delivers a glass to each of the group.
âWould you like any other drinks, Sir?â the waitress asks Mac
âShur give us a bottle of red and a bottle of whiteâ Mac responds after some deliberation
âCertainlyâ
The waitress promptly turns and heads for the kitchen area as Mac blindly backs out his chair just missing another guest and gives chase to the waitress. The chimes of the empty glasses rattling as Macâs frame reverberates the floorboard prompts the waitress to stop and turn, allowing Mac catch up to her.
âGive us the cheap shtuff nowâ A breathless Mac says softly to her.
âCertainly sir, Iâll have it down in a moment.â
Mac heads back to his chair and wipes the sweat off his forehead, prominent sweat patches have already began to appear under the armpits of his shirt and his cheeks have gotten quite puffy.
âTis rhoasting in hereâ Mac comments as he sits down.
He grabs his glass of mulled win and swills it back it one gulp.
âThatâs lovely, isnât it?â Mac turns to the girl on his right with an intense look in his eyes.
âYes, lovely, Mac. Thanksâ the girls politely replies.
The waitress returns with the bottles of wine and asks if they are ready for her to take their orders.
âJhust the main course nowâ Mac informs his staff, managing to make eye contact with them all as some give an approving nod.
The waitress goes round and takes the order and finally reaches Mac.
âIâll have the shteak and can I can get chipsh tooâ
âCertainly, how would you like your steak?â
âOh well done nowâ Mac enthusiastically replies as he hands the waitress his menu.
Mac pours out a full glass of wine for himself and the girls beside him and signals the waiter back over.
âAnother bottle of dishâ Mac shouts across the restaurant as the waitress approaches, holding the empty bottle up in the air.
He then motions the bottle in to his mouth and cocks it up in the air swallowing the few drops that remain.
âHowâs that Mac?â the colleague sitting across from Mac asks him in relation to the wine.
âAh good shtuff now, shur it would want to be with the price of itâ Mac raises a little chuckle to himself gaining a few in return which manages raise a rare smile from Mac.
âDid you have a few before ya came out Mac?â enquires the colleague across the table
âHad a few pints there when I was waiting for yeâ Mac says who is clearly getting on a bit
The plates begin to be served and Mac reaches back into his jacket on the back of the chair, pulling out a little sealed plastic pot of curry sauce and putting it down beside him. Eventually, Macâs plate comes by and everyone starts eating. Mac takes his little curry sauce pot and has some difficulty in getting his fingers around the plastic lid, eventually managing to get a grip, he rips the lid off but in doing so manages to lose control of the pot and spills the contents all over himself.
"Weeelllllll BULLFUCK ya! Mac roars as he jumps out of his chair, his reaction leaving not only a pot of curry sauce all over his shirt and trousers but a spilt glass of red wine trailing down the table onto the floor where it drips beside Macâs 14 oz steak in its new location.
A silence befalls the restaurant as all attention is diverted to the angry roaster with the big red cheeks and stained clothes standing upright looking like he is about to explode into a fit of rage.
9 Likes
This is turning into a bit of a disappointment.