Mad locals

1

Borrowing this idea from another forum I frequent from time to time. Every town has its local nutcases so who are yours and what do they do?

We have a lad called “Johnny Beep Beep.” He’s probably 40 or so now and for the last 20 years he has been driving around the place on foot. He has a hub cap for a steering wheel and he walks up and down the roads around the village steering and indicating and beeping when people are in his way. He practices parking most of the time - reversing into tricky spots and the likes, all while walking and steering.

In older age he has taken to cycling around with a flag on his bike and a radio sellotaped to the handebars. He’s not as much craic when he’s cycling but he does still say “beep beep” if you get in his way.

2

Couple of nutcases in Galway.

Flash - this guy just repeatedly squeals stuff. If you’re with a bloke he’ll squeal “how are the boys?” repeatedly. If with a girl it’ll be “how’re the boys and the girls?” and if it’s all girls he’ll go “how’re the girls?”. It’s very funny but you’d really have to hear it. He also goes “o hoiya hoiya”.

Denis the wino - this guy just gurns at ya.

Elvis - this guy’s an Elvis impersonator and skips. Always sings Elvis songs as he goes or else quotes the King. Is apparently dangerous if one takes the piss.

Wouldn’t it be cool if we got recordings/pictures/videos of our local freaks on here? How would the mods feel about it?

3

I can’t speak for the other mods but one of them is never on here and one of them is probably a “local nut” in his own town so he’d be all for it.

I should probably add we also have the guy who pulled the gun on Steve Staunton - I think he said something funny in the process but I can’t remember. Maybe thepiedpiper will fill us in. There were rumoured sightings of him in the pub on Christmas Eve and he’d have made a cracking celebrity spot but I think it was all just rumour.

4

There was this lad about 4 or 5 years older than us growing up in Wexford known as ‘Horny Head Jim’. He was what you would term a slow learner but everyone knew him. He went to the special school down town but when we were in about 1st class and he was about 12 he would arrive into our school and walk into the classroom and sit down at the back of the class even though he was meant to be down in his own school. He wouldn’t just have one favourite class - he would move between classes - and all the teachers just let him sit in there.
At lunchtime everyone would shout, ‘Hey, horny head Jim’ and he would spend an hour chasing about 50 of us around the school. Great stuff.

5

When I was 10 or 11 there was this guy in town, about three years older than us, who decided he was the Pope. He was always looked upon as a harmless creature by his peers anyway, but he got the absolute piss ripped out of him when he adopted this new persona.

Lads would approach him and say, ‘Jimmy, you fuckin eejit’. In reply he would adopt a priestly prayerful pose, you know the way they tell you to put your hands together when you’re being coached to make your Communion, and say: ‘bless you my child’.

Nobody ever thought of beating the shit out of him about it because it was just too funny. I often wondered what happened to him or where he ended up. He was living in one of the rougher parts of town too, and that actually made it all the funnier. Most of the lads coming out of his estate were scumbags, and then you had ‘The Pope’ ambling long in his smelly Dunnes Stores jumper talking absolute shite about saving the world, God love him.

Horny Head Jim is still on the go Bandage, he must be about 32 now. Long before re-cycling was the ‘in thing’, Horny Head spotted a niche in the market. For as long as I can remember he has spent his days trawling the town collecting empty bottles/cans. There Bandage, you thought he was a tool moving in and out of the classrooms - in actual fact he was a budding entrepreneur and could be regarded as something of a self-made Man. He’s cross-eyed though and his mouth is permanently open, so none of us would ever go the fuck near him just in case.

My final contribution - there was this oul wan from the very roughest hovel in town, to call it an estate would be an insult to estates per se. She’s dead now, God rest her. Her name was Bridgie Harris but her nickname was Bridgie Bow, none of us ever knew why she was called that and cared even less, but we had some laugh with her, she was at least 70 and as thin as a rake.

She happened to live near our school and would nearly always be walking up and down the path when we were coming or going. You were guaranteed a chase, old and all as she was, by letting out a long, shrill, cry of ‘Bridgie Bowwwwwwwwwwww’, she’d be on your tail quick as you like, mad as fuck, ranting and raving back at you.

Ah yes my friends, those were the days…

6

There was a nutter on our road who was about 8 years older than us. When we were about 8 and he was (8+8) 16 he kidnapped one of the lads his age that he didn’t really hang around with, tied him up, brought him to a field and kicked the shit out of him and held him there for 5 or 6 hours. A crazy fooker altogether, Moroney was his surname I think. Surprisingly enough the family moved away shortly after that.

7

I thought the guy who pulled the gun was jonny beap beap. Certainly a rumour here a couple of months ago

8

Bandage, I was part of the rescue mission when Mad Mick kidnapped one of the lads from the next estate. It took us about four hours to free the poor fucker…and just to clarify, it didn’t happen in a field, it happened in Mad Mick’s back garden, with his Ma looking out from the kitchen without a care in the world. You will recall his back garden was right beside the alley way leading to the next estate…the poor victim was walking along one day when Mad Mick seized him.

In an unusual show of solidarity with our neighbours, we united in a bid to lure Mad Mick away from his lair and free Foley. He was a skinny lad who wouldn’t harm a fly, we felt we owed it to him. I can’t remember exactly how we managed to get him out, but I do have a most vivid recollection of Mad Mick with a pitchfork in his hand, dancing around his back garden, and making indian noises. Fucking looper.

Yesterday I forget the most obvious mad local, although this lad was ‘harmless mad’ if you get my drift…ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Esmonde Power, delivery boy with Johnny Hore’s Stores on the Main Street, he cycled a high nelly with a big basket on the front, he was well into his 50s and he was still their delivery boy.

Thing was, nobody ever knew him as Esmonde Power, he was Ede Pede, because that’s the way he talked.

Example: Ede Pede bawda boda mada
Translation: Esmonde Power bought a box of matches

The most famous story concerning the late Ede, who had a really long face and thick glasses, was bald on top and had a gormless smile, came about one night at a table quiz in his local, Jimmy Browne’s.

Quizmaster to Ede: Where’s Uganda?
Ede (after initial look of confusion): He’s buried in Crosstown (local cemetery) beside me Ganma.

Legend. R.I.P.

I’m also thinking about Sykey Savage who’s alive and well and mad as be fucked. So many funny stories about him that I’ve forgot most of them. This is my favourite:

Sykey did a treble at the bookies and only one of them won. In he goes, places the docket on the counter, and says, ‘I reckon you owe me a few shillings there Geraldine’.

Geraldine: ‘Eh, sorry Sykey, only one of those three came up for you.’
Sykey: ‘Jaysuz, yiz are getting very particular in here now, aren’t yiz.’

Legend.

9

This isn’t a reference to Mad Mick Moroney here is it?
http://www.unison.ie/wexford_people/stories.php3?ca=37&si=918146&issue_id=8760

10

No Johnny Beep Beep didn’t pull the gun. He might have driven the getaway car though.

11

Ede Pede, now he was a legend. A bit before my time but I still remember him cycling around Wexford delivering stuff when he was about 60.

Don’t think that’s our Mick Moroney, he moved to a different part of Wexford as far as I recall. You never know though, he may have moved on again since.

12

I saw Horny Head Jim today and it prompted me to bump this thread.

Any of our newer members have any stories of nutters in their locality?

13

[quote=“ClarkeyCat”]Couple of nutcases in Galway.

Flash - this guy just repeatedly squeals stuff. If you’re with a bloke he’ll squeal “how are the boys?” repeatedly. If with a girl it’ll be “how’re the boys and the girls?” and if it’s all girls he’ll go “how’re the girls?”. It’s very funny but you’d really have to hear it. He also goes “o hoiya hoiya”.

[/quote]

Flash is actually well able to speak properly Clarkey, he’s not as mad as he lets on to be. He annoyed the fook outa me 1day near Renmore and I let on I was going to hit him with my umbrella, he nearly shat himself. He was normal anytime I met him for the rest of that week.

Is that wino the guy that used to have the radio and sit abusing everyone across from the front door. He ran at me 1night, thought he was going to split me, did he die by any chance haven’t seen him in ages unless he’s relocated to a new spot

14

Quite a few mad yokes in the Wood of Cre…

The flea (flay), thinks he’s anyone on any given day. Most likely to say, “I’m the Queen of England” and gets quite annoyed if you don’t bow. Has several daughters, princesses no less and owns major cocaine fields in Colombia.
He’s fairly sound though and always good for a laugh. He’s an expert at bumming fags and cans. He has his own myspace, will post the link. Whenever there is a festival or something in the town with tourists coming to the place, he mysteriously disappears…

T… Cole. This lad gets more and more weird everyday. He roars HELLO HELLO HELLO constantly and does jigs in the street. He has this thing where he walks the same route around the block touching things and jumping in certain spots and thinks he’s cursed if he doesn’t do it right.

We have our own Elvis too… He isn’t really that mad he’s just drove mental by young lads looking for a chase. He walks down the street and you have people roaring “the King is dead” from their cars which leads to him having an episode in the street, grabbing the nearest person and giving them a beatdown.

Probably could write on this thread all night but back to work for now… you poxy 9 to 5 bastards.

15

[quote=“Wood of Cre”]Quite a few mad yokes in the Wood of Cre…

The flea (flay), thinks he’s anyone on any given day. Most likely to say, “I’m the Queen of England” .[/quote]

No kid…he is the King of Ireland. He hid in the castle one day until it was all locked up and climbed up onto the top, up by the drawbridge, and sat up there roaring and shouting. He had a crown on, it was like one of the ones out of a xmas cracker. The Squad came but couldn’t get him down so the called the brigade and they got a ladder up to him.

16

There’s a chap in Dalkey called Ted. Completely insane. Spends his days walking around shouting mad stuff at people, occassionally pausing to do things like kneel down and acting like he’s taking a photo (including asking people to move out of the way of his line of sight) and kung-fu moves. He terrifies me to be honest as he’s a big, muscley fucker.
A couple of weeks ago he was walking up the road shouting at the cars that had to stop to avoid knocking him down: HELLO CAR!!

There’s another guy, an old chap who’ll get talking to you if he can and tell you in a posh English voice that he’s “a Spanish student from Cadiz”. He’s absolutely hilarious but he might just be an occassional crazy drunk as I don’t see him often. He’s always very well turned out and I presume he’s some ageing well off gent from the area with too much time and gin on his hands. I do hope he’s still alive.

17

Just bumping this cos I became a fan of Seamus the Dwarf on facebook and it reminded me ofthis thread. Bound to be some more good stories…

18

Whatever happened smellthebenjy?

19

Seamus the knacker dwarf? From Galway? He’s a right little cunt that fella. Terrorises the poor innocent tourists around the place. Is additionally the arch-nemesis of all shop security men in galway.

20

Good old Seamus. Can be seen wandering the streets, hands clasped behind back taunting security guards at various retail premises.

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