I broke my hole laughing at this:
Interviewing Frank Sinatra’s daughter:
“Now obviously you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?”
Richard: “We’ll have Neve Campbell on the show who was recently voted third sexiest woman in the history of cinema.”
“Do you think that’s like being the third man on the moon?”
Judy (already exasperated after 10 seconds of the show: No.
“I REALLY love ducks - they’ve always got a smile on their face.”
“YOU’RE just humming with sexual energy! Is it the fabric? Is it wearing tights?” - Richard Madeley to transvestite artist Grayson Perry.
“WILL the gentleman with 1 nipple please reveal it?” - Richard Madeley (Richard & Judy) Jan 31st 2006.
Confirming that only he could be impressed by Jade Goody’s intelligence, Richard exclaims: “I’ve never met anyone who thought Sherlock Holmes invented the toilet.”
Later he tells her: “You’re quite sharp. It’s just that, in the pure sense of the word, you’re ignorant.”
“That particular octopus committed suicide, didn’t he? He stabbed himself with his own beak.” - Richard Madeley.
(ultra-Partridge) Richard Madeley reacting to a trick by mind reader Derren Brown exclaiming: “Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!”
During a “debate” about the Sarah Payne case, Richard asked, “Do you think it’s time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?”
MADDEST moment of the week on Richard & Judy: When one of Westlife revealed he’d had laser surgery and Richard leapt to his feet and tried forcing open his eyes “looking for scars”.
Alan Partridge-ism of the week came when, having watched a clip of a man struggling horribly with his stutter, Madeley turned to him and enthused: “You looked as if your head was going to come off!”
Then Richard interviewed Bernadette Hughes, who was abandoned by her mother as a child: “You were found on the doorstep of a church,” Madeley mused rather romantically. “Were you in a little basket?”
“No,” she pointed out. “I was naked, with the umbilical cord and afterbirth still attached, wrapped in a pile of newspapers and left on the doorstep.”
At the age of 20, Hughes traced her mother.
“You then got a letter,” chipped in Judy, “It said: ‘Blood isn’t thicker than water. I didn’t want you then and I don’t want you now. I’ve got a family of my own and you’re not it. Get lost.’”
Which, if nothing else, cleared that up.
After a sensibly sanitised debut, Richard Madeley returned to Alan Partridge mode for the rest of the week, even interrupting one viewer’s call with the immortal Partridge comment, “Thanks for the story. It’s over!”
Alan-esque interview questions included (to Sophie Ellis-Bextor): “Where did you get your face?” which he expanded on with, “It’s Egyptian, almost cat-like. What’s it like without make-up?”
His announcements included the promise that the next day’s show would feature “the man who intends to amputate his own feet, on the internet!” and a warning about a gang of dog-knappers which inspired Judy to mutter, “They better not kidnap Geri Halliwell’s dog. He’s only a little shitzu.”
“We’ve launched a snoring hotline,” Madeley bellowed before having hysterics listening to excerpts of viewers’ snoring. “Don’t worry,” he announced Partridgely, “We’ve got much funnier ones.”
A young boy, who has what is officially the longest tongue in the country, revealed: “I used to stick it out and pick my nose with it.”
After the groans died down, Madeley paused before conceding, “That is one HECK of a trick.”
But the most pricelessly Partridge-esque moment of the week came when Madeley drifted off into an anecdote about the time he dreamt he was in the cupboard under the stairs - a story that concluded, triumphantly, “And I WAS in the cupboard under the stairs. Right at the back with the wellies!”
JOHN Fashanu (on his phobia of snakes): “About once a week I’ve been waking up in the night and the bed’s been absolutely saturated.”
Richard Madeley: “With sweat?”
THIS week’s highlights of the (increasingly bonkers) Richard & Judy:
Richard telling the woman who missed out on £928,000 because she couldn’t face the queue for the Lottery, “Maybe it was for the best.”
Richard’s amazement that Judy knew how to pronounce Stolichnaya vodka (as in “two bottles of Stolichnaya, please”).
Richard’s description of the You Say We Play competition as “like a parlour game - an old Edwardian parlour game.”
And finally, the Alan Partridge Moment Of The Week when Richard told Charlotte Church, “OK, imagine I’m someone from a record company with a ponytail” and started shouting, “I OWN you, Church!”
“When we first got together, one of the things me and Judy had in common was a passion for the correct use of the apostrophe” - Richard Madeley.
CARING INTERVIEWER OF THE WEEK
“Your short-term memory really is shot! It must drive you nuts!!” -Richard Madeley to George Martin, subject of Living Without Memory.
“IT’S funny. It doesn’t work the other way round!” - Richard Madeley on white wine improving red wine stains.
“YOU’VE lost some weight, haven’t you? Why’s that? You’re not ill are you?!” - Richard to Mark Williams.
RICHARD & Judy to Janet Street-Porter:
Richard: “Tell us why your mum was so ghastly.”
Judy: “She was Welsh-speaking, wasn’t she?”
JUDY: “Blimey, I nearly sat on my microphone - I dread to think where it would have gone.”
RICHARD: “Oooh I can tell you Judy. There’s only one of two options!”
The programme also featured more recent moments of note. This included an item in 2004 on Richard and Judy about the merits of piss drinking (or Urine Therapy as they opted to call it). This time Richard took the lead with Judy intermittently yelping in horror as ‘Urine Therapist’ Jim Crawford outlined the benefits of the yellow stuff sat in a glass on the table. “But its got germs!” Judy wailed, “No it hasn’t” admonished piss doctor to the by now near-hysterical Judy as he proceeded to glug down a full glass of his own piss to a fascinated Madeley.
Judy: Oh My GOD
Richard: How would you describe the flavour?
Interviewing actress Claire Goose, Richard asked, “Weren’t you once a story-telling raccoon in a theme park?”
When Ms Goose tried to lead the discussion back to Waking The Dead, Richard continued, excitedly demanding “What sort of stories did you have to tell as a raccoon? Did you have a special raccoon voice?”
Richard started reminiscing about when he was small and his mother undressed in front of him.
“Where are we going with this?” Judy demanded.
In a moment of pure Alan Partridge, Richard announceed the competition.
“David Seaman is celebrating his 39th birthday today. His ponytail is 10!”
He described the phone number (08703-662-233) as “A numerically satisfying number there.”
Finally, Judy introduced the debate:
“Do you think that it’s clever or crazy to implant children with computer chips?” Judy asked.
“How do you feel about getting a micro-chip in a part of you?” Richard asked a 10-year-old boy. “We don’t know which part yet…”
When concluding the interview of someone who’d been permanently disabled after an accident, Richard comforted her by saying “You poor thing”, before launching into “Anyway, coming up after the break…”
Madeley can hardly contain himself when they have on a guest who is gay or bisexual. Instead of asking about their work or whatever he focuses on their sexuality, asking Rebecca Looes “so will you end up with a bloke or a woman?” and “would you want to snog Judy?”
When John Barrowman was on he asked him “Would you rather have sex with me or Judy?” to which the lovely John replied “I’d have your bottom half Richard and Judy’s top half”.
Interviewing a teenage anorexic:
“5 Stone? Wow that’s concentration camp thin, that is”
Richard & Judy were interviewing a man and a woman with dwarfism about 2 years ago. They had just come from Parliament, where they’d been protesting about the discrimination against little people and how the only jobs they could get were in panto and the like. To set the tone of the discussion, Madeley introduced a clip from Austin Powers showing how little people were cruelly treated as figures of fun for our entertainment.
Unfortunately the Mini-Me clip was really quite funny. He then asked the woman about playing a Wookie and meeting George Lucas (this is all true, I swear). I kept watching in horror, until he turned to the bloke and said, ‘So you’re protesting about this discrimination now. You must have had it up to here,’ and put his fingertips to his forehead.
I remember a time when they were doing one of their medical pieces about ‘Women’s problems’ (with the creepy doctor who likes to say ‘menstruation’ alot).
Anyway, Richard interrupted the discussion with something along the lines of ‘Yes, Judy - remember when you had thrush? You had a terrible time of it’.
A couple of years ago he interviewed a young kid with leukaemia. He greeted the boy with a cheery “Hello baldy!”.
“And that’s a self-portrait of himself, by himself.”
“When we (himself and Judy) were trying to conceive, I would douse
my balls in icy cold water before intercourse.’”
“I’ve never met a single woman who’s happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I’ve never met her,”
Richard Madeley: “I understand you have a little lad of 12.”
Caller: “Yes, that’s right.”
Richard Madeley: “Is he a boy or a girl?”
Caller: “A boy.”
“Frankly, I don’t think that what we see on television is erotic enough. I haven’t seen a sex scene on television recently that has remotely turned me on. And I’ve been there till 4am waiting for it.”
“Can you imagine if they’d had morris dancers at Dunkirk?”