The Auld Yarns thread

Raylan · July 21, 2024, 1:42pm

Tony played all the old hits that night

farmerinthecity · February 16, 2025, 11:42am

A lad arrived home from the US a few years back and was drinking in one of the pubs in the town. In walks an old school friend from secondary school who hadn’t left the area since school. They greeted each other warmly.

So where are you based these days?
San Diego.
Where?!!
It’s near to LA
Where?!!
Los Angeles
Where?!!
Ah for fuck sake - California
Where?!!
Ah Jesus - America
Oh right. You went to the convent, I only went to the tech.

Pirlo · March 7, 2025, 1:45pm

Tans have good yarns sometimes.

farmerinthecity · March 7, 2025, 2:15pm

anon67715551:

visit to Leitrim was set for the Bank Holiday Monday in August, Lucy to arrive on the 1pm bus that passed through historical Fenagh. There was a dandy crowd, we’d been beat in the championship the day before so drink was flying.

Our hero arrived about 12.30, looking his best with a bunch of home grown roses wrapped in the previous day’s Sunday Press. In the days before outdoor hospitality, we were all out on the street awaiting the bus when bang on time the late Paddy Wrafter slewed her to a stop. Out hops a brother of Scalder’s who’d boarded in Mohill to ensure it stopped in beautiful Fay-na.

Anybody else on the fucking bus roars John, mystified and embarrassed simultaneously.
A fine doll got off in Mohill reports Paddy. A burst of industrial language follows, did I get the rendezvous wrong, what went wrong etc before firing the flowers across the hedge and trundling home.

myboyblue · March 11, 2025, 8:31am

cowpat · June 5, 2025, 10:11am

There are some cracking Brian Clough yarns here

Big_Dan_Campbell · June 5, 2025, 10:40am

I see the odd reel of these - Crossley is a good man to tell ‘um.

Jigsaw

cowpat · June 5, 2025, 1:14pm

In fairness he delivers them well

Fat_Pox · June 30, 2025, 8:46pm

Heard a good one that took place on the BOICMC over the weekend. @peddlerscross

Fedamore hosted a tournament at the weekend with Lismore, MLR, Toureen and Feakle there.

Anyway in an effort to keep the crowd engaged there was an MC interviewing people at different stages.

Big Dan Shanahan was the star turn for Lismore. He was quizzed on loads of things and then the MC asks “how long did it take to travel up today”? Dan replies " it took us an hour and half to come up but it will take us two days to go home".

habanerocat · June 30, 2025, 8:58pm

He’s a bluffer.

It’s two hours from Lismore at least.

habanerocat · June 30, 2025, 9:01pm

Ok, ok I’m wrong.
Cross country it’s an hour and a half.

I was assuming they’d have to go through Clonmel

Julio_Geordio · June 30, 2025, 9:03pm

Fedamore must have been providing the tay because they certainly weren’t giving any of them a game

myboyblue · July 4, 2025, 9:37pm

farmerinthecity · July 18, 2025, 5:41am

A man from my home town was on his way out a while back,

Not a nice man. He’d rob the eye from your head if he could and was always looking to pull some stroke.

His wife happened to have a blood pressure monitor on at the time when he passed away.

Shortly afterwards she went for a walk with her grandson.

‘Would you look at that’ she said pointing to her monitor.

‘It’s the first time it’s had a normal reading’.

backinatracksuit · July 18, 2025, 8:16am

I don’t get it

jellyfish · July 18, 2025, 10:13am

Her blood pressure was back to normal once yer man died.

myboyblue · September 11, 2025, 6:29am

This Paul Gascoigne story about having a day off at Italia '90

"On one of our days off we went down to the beach to sunbathe. David Platt had joined the squad and ever since we arrived hadn’t stopped going on about Doug Eliis, the Aston Villa owner and Platty’s boss.

It was all, ‘Doug Ellis has the best yacht. Doug Ellis is going to do this. Doug Ellis is going to do that. Doug Ellis had installed the best pitch. Doug Ellis has flown to the moon.’

By lunchtime we’d had a few drinks, although we shouldn’t have, and I decided it was time to take the p***.

There was a big-ass yacht anchored about three hundred yards off the beach and when I saw it I shouted, ‘Ooh look, Dougie and his boat.’

I started to swim out to it and a few of the lads followed, mainly because I said they would probably have loads of drink on board.

As we got nearer I was calling out, 'Oh Dougie. Oh Dougie. Where are you? Just then a bloke peered over the side. ‘Hello Paul.’ F*** me, it was Doug Ellis.

About eight of us clambered on board, including Gary Lineker’s missus. We must have got through about thirty bottles of champagne and all of his food.

It was brilliant. At one point I leapt on Mrs Lineker for a laugh and we both tumbled over the side and into the ocean. Fortunately she saw the funny side, but I’m not sure Gary did.

By the time we had to leave I was smashed. We were swimming back and I was about a hundred yards from shore when I began to get tired. I decided the best thing to do was take a deep breath, dive to the seabed, give myself a moment to relax, then push up and swim back as fast as I could."Yeah I know, not the smartest decision I’ve made, but I was p****d.

As I was coming back up I must have got turned around because after resurfacing and swimming hard I looked up expecting to see the shore but discovered I was heading in the wrong direction.

I was beginning to struggle and I panicked a bit. It was quite frightening. I started to wave my hands in the air and luckily enough a little dinghy with an outboard motor turned up.

It was Gary Lineker and another bloke. ‘Get in you daft b*****d,’ he said.

When I looked up it was Nigel Kennedy, the violinist. ‘Give us a tune then, Nige,’ I said. ‘Handel’s Water Music?’ he laughed. I didn’t have a clue what he was on about."

C: 90s football

farmerinthecity · September 11, 2025, 12:56pm

If ever there was a case of TNH.

Nigel Kennedy thrown in at the end for good measure.