The Auld Yarns thread

I went to the cinema the other night.

Was sitting in my seat waiting for the movie to come on when this woman walks in with a border collie on a leash with her. At first I thought it was a seeing eye dog or something similar then I saw her give the dog some pop corn and sit him up on the plush seat.

When the film started the dog was engrossed, it started barking when everyone started laughing and starting whining at the sad and violent bits in the films and he really seemed to enjoy his night at the cinema.

When i was in the lobby after the film I saw the woman and the dog walking past me and I complimented the woman and told her she had a brilliant dog and I couldn’t get over that the dog enjoyed the film so much.

To which she replied “I can’t believe he enjoyed it too, because he hated the book”:pint:

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Post reported.

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I knew @TreatyStones would get a kick out of it

@Horsebox will be along to ask the name of the movie in a minute.

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What was the name of the movie?

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A neighbour of mine would is a batchelor farmer in his late 60s and a martyr for the beer. He has been caught drink driving numerous times.

He was coming to the Clonlara crossroad one night after a few pints when he met a checkpoint in his auld Fiesta with his Jack Russell in toe. The guard knew well who he was and his drink driving past.

He rolls down the window and the Guard asks him has he a licence for the Jack Russell to which he replied “Why would I, sure I do all the driving”:pint:

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Potential Thread of the Year. :clap:

A local lad and his girlfriend pulled into a local car park for a bit of a grope one Saturday night. They were in the back of his Izuzu Trooper when a squad car passed. The cops saw that there was some movement in the back of it. One of the officers went to the window and gave a knock.

About 20 seconds later my man rolls down the window and is a bit flustered, the guard asks him is everything alright to which he says that everything is fine. The guard then sees a shadow move in the back of the jeep and asks my man is he alone. To which he says that he has his girlfriend in the back of it and the guard twigs what was going on.

The guard asks my man if his girlfriend is decent, to which my man replies “Oh yes, she comes from a very respectable family”

A local fella who fancied himself as a bit of a big shot used to always be flying around the road in his merc.
Anyways the guards were waiting for him one evening as he came tearing through Kildimo doing 80 in a 50 zone. The guard stops him, saunters over and says "we were waiting for you all evening " the local hotshot fires back "Sorry guard, I got here as quick as I could "

This is a right auld yarn. From back in the day when a Brandy and Port was a very expensive drink.

A man and his wife are out one winters night. The wife is dressed to the nines. When they arrive in the pub he asks her what would she like to drink, she says she will have a brandy and port, much to the husbands chagrin but he buys it for her none the less. Six drinks later and she is still on the brandy and port, next things the wife comments that it is fierce warm in the pub and that she is starting to sweat due to the heat.

To which the husband replies “sure no wonder you are warm, sure haven’t you the price of half a tonne of coal drank this evening”:pint:

An oul fella near us was half a simpleton and half a rogue. Twas hard to tell when he’d be messing or just plain thick. He was known as “The Cheeser” locally.

He drove a friend of his down to Limerick City one day for to attend a hospital appointment a few years ago now. He had rarely driven in the city. He drove the wrong way down a one-way street and when everybody started flashing and beeping him he nudges his buddy on the elbow and says “They all know The Cheeser”.

This is a true story
There is a lad from a neighbouring village whos nickname is Small Spuds. For years I wondered why he was called this and assumed he had a small cock or something similar. I asked the auld lad one day as to why he was called Small Spuds.

He told me that Small Spuds used to be an awful man for going drinking all day on a Sunday and quite often on a Monday as well. The wife one day sick of ringing the pub trying to get him home burst in the door of the pub with his dinner on a plate and fucked it up on the counter in from of him to try and shame him out of the pub. My man takes one look at the dinner and turns to the wife and says “the spuds are a bit small”:clap:

Two local auld lads were on the way to Thurles for a match, when they came to a cross to come out onto the Nenagh road.
The driver says “is there anything coming your side” Mick looks out and says "no go on, tis only a bicycle " so Jim starts to pull across the road, and mick roars "you’d want to go quicker than that, tis a motor bicycle "

Two fairly firey characters were full of porter one night and were playing darts for money. There would have been no love lost between the two of them.

One of the men went to take a piss while the other lad had 190 odd remaining to finish. When he returned from the jacks his opponent tried to pull a fast one thinking he was more steamed than he was and told him that he had checked out and won the game. Things got a bit heated when the other fella twigged that he was being done and your man was trying to rob his money.

“Sure how the fuck could you check out 190 odd with three darts” he said fine and thick to the other fella to which which the other fella replied “who said I threw three darts”. Exasperated the fella who was in the jacks asked “what did you you throw so” to which your man replies “A hedgehog”:pint:

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Another true story.

There is a batchelor alcoholic in his 60s living in O’Briens Bridge, he has no car and has to rely on the bus to get about. He is known to get the 7:30am bus into Limerick and head straight for Norberts or the Launch, while if he needed the docter he would get the 9am bus into Killaloe and then tip onto the pub.

Come 5:30pm one winters night he was full of beer and he realised he was stranded in Killaloe and it was too dark to hitch home and he hadn’t the money for a taxi. He had a brain wave though, the Limerick to Scariff bus landed in Killaloe around 6pm and the fella who drove it (a right contrary bolocks) lived in O’Briens Bridge.

So the bus comes and on he gets bould as brass and asks for a single to Scariff. He then proceeds to throw himself down on a seat and falls asleep. The bus gets to the end of the route in Scariff (20 miles from O’Briens Bridge) and is done for the day. The bus driver sees him asleep and goes down and wakes him, your man lets on not to know where he is asks the bus driver where are we. “Scariff” replies the buss driver to which my man says “Jesus I didn’t want to go to Scariff at all, you will have to drop me back to O’Briens Bridge”, the bus driver is fairly pissed off but obliges him.

About two days later he tried the same stunt only for the bus driver to fuck him out of it from a height

Corbally were playing below in Pa Healy’s field one night in the early/ mid 90s and a well known local rugger character was below there with a few locals when he more successful brother comes along with a mobile phone. What’s that T’mas says our rugger friend?.. Tis a mobile phone…just then it rang and Mas took the call… After the call our rugger friend says who was that T’Mas… That was John Whoever said T’Mas… But how did he know you were here asked our rugger friend.

This one is not a yarn but is genuinely 100% fact!

An oul lad near us known as Foxy Pat locally was doing a bit of part time driving for a cattle dealer, taking cattle to factories and that. He was drawing the dole away aswell at the time so he wanted to keep a low profile.

On his way home with the empty cattle lorry from the factory in Rathkeale he hit a cat on the main road. He pulled up to see if the cat was ok. No sign of the cat. He eventually spotted the poor animal stretched out inside the gate of a nearby house. He decided to do the humane thing and walked back to the lorry, got a shovel that was in it and walked back and put the cat out of its misery. He quickly got into the lorry and drove off. He told people after he said a decade of the rosary on the way home for the poor animal.

He was home only 20 mins with the cattle lorry parked up outside when the gaurds pulled up outside. They knocked on the door and asked to speak to him about an incident of animal cruelty earlier that evening, whereby he entered someones yard and, without reason or warning, killed a perfectly healthy family pet with a belt of a shovel and ran off. Not at all, he says, that cat was in pain and i put it out of its misery after striking it. The Gaurd points at the underside of the bumper of the lorry and Foxy Pat spots the poor animal he struck on the road still attached to the under side of the bumper. Never saw it with the poor light of the dusk. Two for the price of one!

[QUOTE=“The Big Cheese, post: 1076962, member: 1137”]A local lad and his girlfriend pulled into a local car park for a bit of a grope one Saturday night. They were in the back of his Izuzu Trooper when a squad car passed. The cops saw that there was some movement in the back of it. One of the officers went to the window and gave a knock.

About 20 seconds later my man rolls down the window and is a bit flustered, the guard asks him is everything alright to which he says that everything is fine. The guard then sees a shadow move in the back of the jeep and asks my man is he alone. To which he says that he has his girlfriend in the back of it and the guard twigs what was going on.

The guard asks my man if his girlfriend is decent, to which my man replies “Oh yes, she comes from a very respectable family”[/QUOTE]

I didn’t know you knew @carryharry ?

I was in a pub one day and a white horse walked in. He made his way up to the bar and leant on it with his two front legs. There weren’t many people in the bar, just the barman and a few old fellas. Barman is staring at the horse and eventually says “can I help you?”.

“Pint” says the horse.

The barman pulls the pint and serves the horse. The horse starts sipping away at the pint, minding his own business.

The barman hadn’t served a horse before. But he decides to engage him in conversation. “Nice weather isn’t it?”. The horse snorted. “did you see the match last night?”. Another short from the horse. Barman is running out of topics of conversation with the horse, who doesn’t seem too interested. Finally the barman says “we have a drink in the bar here named after you”.

The horse’s ears pricked up “Is that right”? “yeah” says the barman.

“Ed???”

[QUOTE=“balbec, post: 1079023, member: 193”]I was in a pub one day and a white horse walked in. He made his way up to the bar and leant on it with his two front legs. There weren’t many people in the bar, just the barman and a few old fellas. Barman is staring at the horse and eventually says “can I help you?”.

“Pint” says the horse.

The barman pulls the pint and serves the horse. The horse starts sipping away at the pint, minding his own business.

The barman hadn’t served a horse before. But he decides to engage him in conversation. “Nice weather isn’t it?”. The horse snorted. “did you see the match last night?”. Another short from the horse. Barman is running out of topics of conversation with the horse, who doesn’t seem too interested. Finally the barman says “we have a drink in the bar here named after you”.

The horse’s ears pricked up “Is that right”? “yeah” says the barman.

“Ed???”[/QUOTE]
This aint a jokes thread bud. Its an Auld yarns thread, shtories like. Im upset at this bud, upset.