In 2014 I was very badly depressed. Really circling the drain. I remember going down to the Munster final in Cork just to keep up appearances. I stared blankly at the field (to this day I’ve very little memory of that match) and couldn’t wait for it to be over.
I went home and just went to bed instead of watching the World Cup final that night
I told my counsellor and my Mam that I don’t want to die without knowing who wins the World Cup. I told my Mam that I feel I it would be a dastardly act to take my own life around Christmas, not least because Christmas already carries terrible memories for our family. In 2004 my uncle came home to die from cancer, he was stick thin. In 2014 my granny got a stroke on the 21st and died on New Year’s Day. In both 2018 and 2019 my father had to be carted off to hospital after collapsing on the Saturday morning after Christmas Day. Then in 2020 he had to be carted off to hospital on Stephens’ Day and that was the last time he left the house.
I feel it would be a dastardly act to take my own life in January, the same month all these people close to me died.
I’m scared of a botched suicide attempt which leaves me permanently brain damaged or disabled.
But I’m also scared of going on. I was in the Eyre Square shopping centre briefly this morning. When I look at the tiles on the ground I see wavy lines everywhere. This makes me want to die.
My heart goes out to your Mum. Be conscious of the utter destruction you will leave behind.
Have you considered getting to the Marvel Cinematic Universe? That seems like it is a neverending behemoth, could be a great carrot to stay going if you want to see how it will all end.
In all seriousness, that was a tough read and my heart really does go out to you. I feel for your mother also, I cant even begin to imagine how this is affecting her, and how it will affect her if you do go through with it.
I wish you the best, and wish I could do a bit more.
Mind yourself @Cheasty. I hope you can get into a routine which might help to lift your mood. Take care.
Cheasty FFS like. You can’t do anything til you’ve tried all year round swimming at blackrock. I said I’d drag you over next time I’m home. You’d better wait for me.
I always said I reckon I’d be in bad depression if it wasn’t for the cold water swimming. Give it a go ffs. Even at least get a cold shower.
Your mam could do with a break id say…are any of your other family members helping you out? The best of luck with the recovery/counselling keep looking for positives if you can at all
Gut microbes.
What?
Yes. Gut microbes play a significant part in certain mental conditions, including depression. It’s not always the cause but if you’re not jamming your thumb up your hole twice a week, clearing things out, then youre fucked.
There is a lot of pain in that post. I get the feeling you want to be rescued. I think the eye is understandably the main source of your angst here but I think it merely opened up the lid on a whole pandoras box of emotions, feelings, past experiences and above all fears that have culminated in you finding yourself in this moment.
The human spirit is immensely durable though and yours is flailing around in the water looking for a life buoy to cling onto. You have several of them now in your mother, brother, counsellor, friends, posters on here you never met before. You seem to be caught in a maelstrom of things that may happen in the future, things that may not come to pass, possible future ramifications while also being taken up with different life events or experiences that happened in the past. From what I’ve read of your lived experiences which you have so eloquently outlined, If I was to draw a linear line to classify them and shade the areas “Past”, “Current” and “Future” it would be skewed heavily towards what may or may not happen in the future with a considerable helping of what happened in the past with little about what is happening now or currently. I wouldn’t classify you’re description of scouting the rivers, going to the tool shed, shrieking, seeking out more anxiety pills etc as current as they are by-products of your future worries about your eye and everything that has happened to you. I know you like doing your own research but find a way to check out from that and stop yourself going down rabbit holes. All you will find is find information to reinforce your own insecurities and you will be none the wiser. As you said you are half watching or paying attention to the games, you are not sure about the counselling (should be in person) but you have to find a way to elongate that feeling of living in the moment.
Keeping a diary, if this is in fact extracts from, is a very good idea. Even reading the article about Red Óg aloud is a good idea as it accentuates the feelings emanating from it. Try and find more moments like the exaltation felt when Messi scored and less moments like the one looking at the tiles in Eyre Square shopping centre. Try and take over control of things that make you happy, content, relaxed and put yourself in more of those situations. The worm can turn at any given moment, sometimes when you least expect it. You just need to stick in there a little longer and give yourself every chance.
On a side note, what would ya recommend to eat for the gut? Not consistent enough with my sauerkraut eating and it is a sure sign I’m finding it a bit of a chore to eat in meals.
You haven’t lost your ability to write or your sense of humour anyway. Hang in there pal.
Uruguay-South Korea was an absolutely shocking game alright.
This is not correct. The person survived.
Yes on all counts. My counsellor said to me today that if I recovered from the eye, perhaps I would would find something else to obsess over and be worried about. Perhaps that is true. I was in my parents’ house in Dublin from August 24th to September 27th (bar one day trip back to Galway) renovating the place, much of the time on my own. At certain points when I was on my own during that time I thought briefly to myself that something very bad was about to happen to me. But I didn’t know what it was (though I should have known). I can’t explain this. I didn’t feel remotely suicidal or anything like that. I just felt something bad was about to happen. I don’t know was it Liz Truss taking over the UK or the Queen dying or Eddie Butler dying or the autumn starting to come in, but I felt deeply uneasy.
The main emotion it has blown the lid off is regret. Regret about a lot of things, mainly not getting the eye seen to but other stuff as well which add up to me feeling the way I have done for the last two months or so.
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
I have one in person counselling session a week, on Wednesdays. The two I had on Friday and Monday were arranged at short notice and over the phone.
I’ve become obsessed with a group for people who have suffered retinal detachment on Facebook. I’ve found some good information on it but overall it’s doing my head in. I think I’ll have to leave it. I think it’s heavily biased towards people who are in a bad place commenting on it.
All this comes from me being in a place where I knew literally nothing about the retina when my eye went. I didn’t even even know the name of the operation I was having or what exactly was being done to me. All I knew was I had a detached retina, I knew this was bad, and I knew I had to have some sort of operation quickly in order to see ever again.
I’m using this forum as a form of diary I guess.
There are some things I feel better about. I find it easier to read than I did four or six weeks ago. The black background here helps. I can read the newspaper a bit easier. It’s just that certain things in my field of vision look way more fucked up than others. When I go out things look further away the further away I look with my bad eye. The discrepancy increases with distance. So I don’t want to go out. There’s a different focal plane, everything looks slightly lower with the bad eye than with the good eye. There’s a slant to the right with some things. And the wavy lines are the worst. I consider them a grievous attack on my brain and my person.
Sometimes I think I’m making things worse by talking and thinking too much.
I hope your knee is improving steadily and that you are out of pain.
Powerful and raw post @Cheasty , 100% agree. You still have your senses about you as a writer.
I hope - but fear not - that your writings on here are a form of catharsis and provide momentary glimpses of relief.
Rooting for you.
They sort of are and they sort of aren’t. I’m in deep mourning for what I see as the death of a way of life, an abrupt full stop to what could loosely be termed my youth.
I said to my mother several times over the last few years “expect the worst, because the worst will happen”. My father was supposed to be coming back from the hospital on the 4th of January, 2021. Something in me knew he wouldn’t come home that day and I said it to her. That he’d have another infection, or have got Covid. Sure enough, later that morning, the hospital rang to say he had Covid.
But I did not heed my own advice about expecting the worst. I should have known something bad was going to happen because I had got new floaters in the eye. I had ample time to do something - seven weeks. I kept putting off and putting off and putting off a check up. There was always something else, something stupid, something irrelevant to be seen to.
Everything I did in that time was the wrong move - heavy physical work pulling trees, drilling into masonry at head height without adequate support a week before the eye went, and all of that was increasing the stress on my eye. And the worst happened, the worst type of retinal detachment.
You’ve hit the nail on the head there cheasty. I read somewhere that Glenn Hansard was very depressed after he won the Oscar and found real fame but couldn’t understand why, apparently he was talking to Bruce Springsteen about it and Springsteen told him he was mourning the death of his old life and how he needed to adjust to his new life.
The fact that you’re aware of this is hugely helpful, most of us don’t realise this . we all have to adjust in different ways be it loosing loved ones etc…and it can be a real shock to the system.
You’re a very interesting character and you don’t half research topics based on some of your posts that I’ve read.
I think everyone here can feel a little bit of your pain based on how eloquently you write.
I really hope you things get better for you soon.