No counsellor or GP or psychiatrist has the time to read any of the the stuff I’ve written. I also got the name of the Canadian ice hockey player completely wrong. It’s Matthieu Perrault not Matthieu Larrieu.
I will definitely have to go. The stuff I’m on is not enough. And I’m rationing my anxiety tablets through I don’t know what, embarrassment that I’ll have to ring for a renewal of the prescription sooner if I take more than one a day. You’re supposed to take one every six hours when suffering from anxiety, which for me is all the time. I only got 20 tablets last time and I have about 15 left. I’m taking one now because I might have another episode soon if I don’t take one now.
We are a community of odd balls but we would all miss your humour, writing and satire. Stay on the path of the living, tomorrow always brings hope of a brighter future.
I know you mean well and I know everybody here means well but I don’t see hope. I only see that this has destroyed my life and destroyed any chance of having a future where I can have any chance of happiness or self respect or bringing any happiness into anybody else’s life. As far as I’m concerned, my life ended on the morning of September 27th and it will never come back. I now realise that everything I previously treated as a problem was bullshit and not a problem at all. But this is a problem.
Somebody once wrote on this forum, it was Watch The Break, that suicide was the only weapon against one’s own powerlessness. I feel utterly powerless right now and I feel suicide, or the threat of suicide, is the only weapon I have against it. This involves emotional manipulation and cynicism and weaponisation and deliberate infliction of hurt on others.
My Mam says those people who broadcast their own suicide online are bad people. I said to her that she does not understand. It is the only weapon they have. It is selfish, and my behaviour is selfish, but I am powerless. In a way it disproves what I said about my life not being worth anything. But it was my old life that was worth something. This new life of visual impairment to me means nothing. It’s a misery and I want no part of it.
Ideally you’d tell them, but of course they can, it’s their job, and there’s a lot of time in an appointment. They’ll read something you’ve written if you’d prefer that to speaking.
I’ll be home in January mate. We’ll go for a dip in the sea and go shiver in Cocos after. My lad is applying to ucg. Please God he’ll get in and we will be over a good bit. This 20% detachment risk in your other eye is wrong. You are wrong about having brought this on yourself somehow. You need to go to the mental health unit at UCHG. You need to do it tomorrow.
I’ll ring you later (was planning to today anyway)
Have a shower Sid FFS sake.
@Cheasty your posts are distressing. You have a lot of conflict going on that requires serious professional intervention. Your reluctance to attend hospital… you are catastrophising relating to your loss of loved ones in UCHG. You have medication to take for a reason. Take it. Don’t ration it.
You are not powerless, you show clarity in your posts, so go do the right thing for you, and your family.
I wish you well.
I used to teach blind kids…they used to carry these heavy brail typewriters around with them. I got an awful dig in the nuts from one once…the kid was blind so there wasn’t much i could say. A few months into my stint in the school i realised that the fucker had a sighted wingman who would provide coordinates to guide these ‘accidental’ assaults. There was a regular battle of wits and wills between teachers and blind students. It was fair game to quietly hit a blind kid a dig in the ribs and then watch him exact revenge on his neighbour. Generally speaking they were proudly defiant and there was an unspoken code that neither sighted pupils nor teachers would give them any quarter…but they were absolute heroes for all of us. One lad delivered me a put-down that drew a fair bit of hilarity from his mates. He had the severest cerebral palsy, a full time assistant and was partially sighted…quite a famous character who became part of the national consciousness for a while. I’d made some blunder or other and the lads were having a laugh at my expense. Via his assistant he told me that if i got any worse he’d have to push me around in his wheelchair… him that could control about three muscles in his entire body
Brilliant…Not as eloquently told, but Reminiscent of the late Joe Player when discussing how a lack of oxygen when he was born lead to a lot of his problems. He was born in Ennis hospital which is long since gone and all Clare people have to come in to Limerick now. But the bold joe finished his tale by saying 'i’d rather be a handicap than be born in Limerick ’
My cousin is legally blind since birth. He has some vision though, but it’s very limited. Spent a few years in the blind boys school in Drumcondra but came back down to us as he hated it there. A gas cunt who has travelled and done more in his life than most of us. Living in Canada for nearly 15 years now, working as a sound engineer. I’d actually forget he has issues with the eyes. Met him a few weeks ago for pints in Dublin and it wasn’t until I was right up beside him on O’Connell Bridge that he recognised me.
Good morning Cheasty.
Powerful writing and definitely good to get out of your head.
You have got to try and flip the switch here some how pal. You need to start eating properly, showering and shaving again. Just general care for yourself. You need to take your medication. It was given to you for a reason. If you don’t take them you won’t see an improvement mentally. You need to keep going to your appointments too. These people can help you. Of course it’s a struggle right now but there is help there once you go for it you then have to take it.
If I was in your position right now I’d probably stop checking out the eye daily and give it a week or so and see how I go. Maybe you are doing that but from your writing it seems to me anyway you are checking it regularly and in a state of panic then when you do see any improvement. I am no expert here but maybe the changes are subtle so give the eye a bigger break.
Read that article on Andrew Luck that was posted yesterday. He was going through similar life changing experiences with his injuries and having to leave his career behind him. In it all there is hope that maybe something more fulfilling and happier is around the corner. You have to look out for small positives daily. No matter how insignificant they are.
Stop watching those videos on line too. They would drive anyone to dispair. Tbh I didn’t even know such things are so readily available. I am not surprised, but I just never thought of them. Try and find something that will lift your spirits pal.
There are lads you know and don’t know on here offering you good advice. They are looking out for you because you do matter.
I had a look back at this thread in Oct 18 when @Joe_Player was having a tough time of it the Lord have mercy on him. I was well saddened to see the late @Portumna_Bridge rowing in with words of kindness and support.
Here we are now 4 years on and they’re no longer with us.
We need to be thankful for what we have I think. The light of Heaven to all who’ve soldiered here and won’t be reading this. Good, good lads. RIP.
