The Joe Brolly tells porkies thread

Did you know Joe donated a kidney?

Be some crack when Ja Burns is running the show

The latest episode had joe phoning the muscoskeletal department in trinity regarding the optimism muscle, the last episode had a lad telling joe how he’d featured in a ayahuasca trip.
Both made up gags without a punchline. He’ll still make a great president but it’s poor enough stuff. He doesn’t frequent mcreynolds anymore,l- a pity because he wouldn’t get away with any such lame nonsense, he’d have to fight his corner amongst the most loquacious, intelligent and philosophical alcoholics in ireland.
What Joe’s podcast needs is someone to put it up to him
Ann would be perfect

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Joe is a great fella. We need him as President

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His time will come

Professional real estate managers where pensions are tied up.

The likes of Brolly prefers to have the likes of Des Mackin managing properties, amongst others in the traditional Irish landlord class.

At the banquet in Dublin Castle on Thursday night, we were sitting at the table next to the president’s. After the starters, he came over and sat beside us.

“Laurita, you guys have gotta come with us to Knock on Air Force One tomorrow.”

“I can’t, I have to get my hair done in Foxford at 11 o’clock.”

The president shot me a ‘she must be kidding’ look. I shrugged my shoulders. Next morning, at five to eleven, I was dropping the glamorous brunette off at Sharon’s in Foxford. No man can come between a woman and her hair. Not even the most powerful man in the world.

Earlier I had driven into Ballina and got out to talk to two guards who were manning the cordon at the River Moy.

As we were chatting, three frogmen bubbled up out of the river. The sergeant rolled his eyes. “Joe, it’s like being on the set of a Bond movie.”

There were unseen snipers everywhere and unmanned drones high in the sky, loaded up with the sort of tech reserved for sci-fi movies, ready to atomise any ‘threat’ at a split second’s notice.

The cathedral and its environs were as sleepy as ever. People were wandering in and out of town as normal, oblivious that their tranquil idyll had been temporarily transformed into the world’s most sophisticated kill zone.

I spoke to a secret service operative called Tom, who looked and sounded like a movie character. “Let’s just say, you wouldn’t want to be pulling a gun, sir.”

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Expand Close Joe Biden at St Muredach’s Cathedral in Ballina, Co Mayo. Photo: Reuters / Facebook Twitter Email Whatsapp Joe Biden at St Muredach’s Cathedral in Ballina, Co Mayo. Photo: Reuters

At the Joe Biden mural, the Ballina community clean-up crew were putting the finishing touches to their tidy up. Every footpath had been power-washed until it was gleaming. Every old building and house painted in pastel shades.

The place was buzzing, alive with the expectation of an extraordinary event. Martin Devanney and Dermot Rice were there with a man I hadn’t met.

“Joe, I want to introduce you to Marty Lackey, the man who knocked out Bono.” Marty blushed and said: “Ah, for f***’s sake lads.”

“Tell me all,” I said. Dermot obliged.

“In 1980, a band that had changed their name from Feedback to U2 came to the town hall. They were supported by a local band called Full Moon, who did cover versions and the crowd loved them.

“U2 came on with their post (pronounced ‘posht’ by Dermot) punk f***ing psychedelic rock. The crowd started booing them.

"There was an incident a couple of weeks earlier where the army boys from Ballina who were serving in the Renmore Barracks in Galway got into a row with U2’s roadies above in a gig in Galway. So there was bad feeling already.

“Anyway, the row started and one of the soldiers got up on the stage and gave one of the band a punch — I can’t remember which one — and all hell broke loose. Bono shouted into the mic that the town was a kip and we were savages and the crowd stormed the stage.”

“Who hit Bono?”

“Everyone. And The Edge got a stool broken across his back and either him or Adam Clayton got brought to the hospital.”

Marty said: “I hit him a thump in the mouth. Knocked him clean out.”

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Expand Close Marty LackeyPhoto by: in sunglasses

Everybody laughed. No wonder U2 didn’t come back to perform for the president.

The heart of the president’s visit was the Mayo Hospice in Castlebar.

Six years ago, we brought him to the site where he dug the first sod. It was clear, as I noted in my speech then, that he had never handled a spade before. But it was the spark for a miracle. Without fuss, Joe hosted a private fundraising dinner.

His seal of approval, his assistance whenever we needed it, helped to ensure the €10m we needed was raised. A state-of-the-art hospice was built, entirely debt free. A free service for our most vulnerable friends and neighbours at the end of their precious lives. A place of love and human dignity.

Regularly, Joe would call us to check how things were going and to offer his help.

When we told him in Washington that we had dedicated the hospice to the memory of his beloved son Beau and showed him pictures of the dedication stone, he wept.

There are 14 beds in the hospice. No press were permitted for the visit. Only a few board members, some staff and a few close relations. On the morning of his visit, one of our patients slipped away.

When the president arrived with his sister Val and son Hunter, they stood looking down at the dedication stone, holding hands, holding back tears. Then, when they were inside and the palliative care consultants asked him if he would visit the patients, Joe was plainly moved.

He spent an hour with them, embracing each one of them, speaking tenderly with them.

When he came back out to us and Mairéad told me that the patients were astonished and elated by what he had done, I wept.

The rest is known. The electrifying speech at the cathedral. The vast, excited throngs. The guttural roar of “Mayo for Sam” that sent the crowd wild.

Then, drinking. Industrial drinking. I got home at one, having cadged a lift from the hospice chief executive.

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Expand Close Joe Biden arrives onstage in Ballina. Photo: Reuters / Facebook Twitter Email Whatsapp Joe Biden arrives onstage in Ballina. Photo: Reuters

There were no taxis so the glamorous brunette, having refused to leave the bar, flagged down an articulated lorry. (Previously, in Dublin one night, she got us a lift home with the bemused crew of a bin lorry.)

Luckily, her friend Audrey was with her and taped the journey home.

“Are you a serial killer?”

“No, I’m just driving to Charlestown.”

“You’re not going to cut us into pieces and put us in the freezer unit?”

“No.”

“I’ve a lovely pair of high heels in my bag I’m going to give you as a token of my gratitude.”

“It’s OK, I don’t need them.”

“Well I’m disappointed to hear that, John. A handsome buck like yourself and no woman?”

“I have a woman.”

At 5am, I was wakened when she came in to the bedroom and put the lights on.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to find the prayer beads blessed by Bishop Kevin [her cousin, the Bishop of Paterson, New Jersey].”

“Why?”

“Shtop annoying me.”

She went outside with them. I followed her to the front door. There, parked on the road, hazards blinking, was the articulated lorry. She handed the beads to the driver.

“He gave me a lift home,” she said.

President Biden is fond of saying: “There are only two types of people in the world — the Irish and those who wish they were Irish.”

Ain’t that the truth?

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Joe is incredible. He’ll be a wonderful president.

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I’d say Audrey is a right dose

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Audrey!!! The description dose was created for them all including the self-indulgent Joe.

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He’s having a hell of a mid life crisis

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Joe is a good man

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Joe is the best of us. His heart is pure.

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JOE
JOE
JOE!

That’s Joe Brolly QC I take it? Is he a KC now?

Joe’s whatever he wants to be

Go on Joe!!!

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