2 hungry tramps were walking along the road. One said i show you what to do.he picked up a lump of horse shit and went and knocked on the door of a posh place. A man opened the door and the tramp said could I have some salt and pepper please. The man goodness me you canāt eat that. Come in and eat with me.
A while later he came out and told his friend what to do at the next place. His mate had a hand full of horse shit and knocked on the door of a big house. Man answered and the tramp said could I have some salt and pepper for this please.
The man said goodness me ā¦you canāt eat thatā¦go round to the stable and get a hot oneā¦ā¦
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Thereās no way Iām typing that 
What do you call the back of a book about vegetables?
The glasraĆ
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and indulging the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, āYou must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He is my right-hand man and is really the strength of this command. His talents are simply boundless.ā Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunch-backed, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than one metre tall.
āSmithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.ā
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I have represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history ofā¦"
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck offā¦ā¦ā¦
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Go on, you have to nowā¦
What mountain range will you find on your legs ?
The Pair OāKnees
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The youngster asked me to spell icup today, he mugged me off good and proper.
Iron Brew
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I donāt get itā¦
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If I didnāt get it I would be slow to confess to it. Mane Cavan fucker uses boiled water from iron to make cup of tea. Saving electricity and water and vitally - wasting nothing.
the line about where once there was shame is the best line ever
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An absolute genius. May he RIP.
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