The Terrible Joke Thread

582

The psychiatrist character was an awful loss.

583

He was in it right to the end wasn’t he? Definitely in series 3 anyway, good character.

I loved Brian @caulifloweredneanderthal, the scenes with him and the young lad at home had pathos that Shakespeare couldn’t have written

584

Dennis Pennis not in final season

585

That’s a surprise, didn’t seem that long ago I saw him.
I did watch the entire season 3 last week though, I noticed the Roxy wasn’t in it but I hadn’t realised the psychiatrist wasn’t in it, I suppose Ratty and the Nonce took over that skit.

586

Teacher: Today is Father’s Day. Mary what does your father do. Mary: My Mary: My dad is a lawyer, he puts bad people in jail.
Teacher: David what does your father do?
David: My dad is a doctor,he helps sick people get better.
Teacher: Johnny what does your father do?
Johnny: My dad is dead miss.
Teacher: Oh I’m sorry Johnny,what did he do before he died.
Johnny: He turned blue and shat on the carpet miss.

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587

I just hear this on the radio…

My father worked for forty years in a factory making clown shoes…no small feat!

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588

the mask inevitably slips with these holier than thou types

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589

Now is not the time to hate, now is the time to educate.

590

cmon MBB, you know how hard it is to educate teachers, they think they know it all

591

For the day thats in it.

Whats the last thing st Patrick said before he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye’s all alright in the back lads?

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592

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593

I was telling a mate in Sainsbury’s earlier about my aunt who has been in hospital. She’s doing okay, and has been passing the time by playing board games such as backgammon and draughts.
“Any chess?” he asked.
“No”, I said. “She went private…”

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594

Dan Dare is captured by Aliens, and they’re going to kill him.

“You can’t kill me.” Says Dan Dare. “I’m Dan Dare.”

“Can you prove it?” says the Alien. “Cause if you can we’ll let you go.”

“Of course.” Says Dan Dare. “Land anywhere on planet Earth and ask the first person we see, and they’ll tell you who I am.”

“Fair do’s.” says the alien.

So they land in Ireland in the middle of the night.

“Oh fuck.” Thinks Dan Dare. “I’m fucked.”

“Okay.” Says the alien. “Knock on that door and see if they recognise you.”

So Dan Dare shuffles up to the door, knocks and waits.

An upstairs window flies open, a woman sticks her head out and shouts, “Whos dat Dan Dare?”

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595

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596

2 hungry tramps were walking along the road. One said i show you what to do.he picked up a lump of horse shit and went and knocked on the door of a posh place. A man opened the door and the tramp said could I have some salt and pepper please. The man goodness me you can’t eat that. Come in and eat with me.
A while later he came out and told his friend what to do at the next place. His mate had a hand full of horse shit and knocked on the door of a big house. Man answered and the tramp said could I have some salt and pepper for this please.
The man said goodness me …you can’t eat that…go round to the stable and get a hot one……

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597

Why did the chicken cross the road?

598

There’s no way I’m typing that :innocent:

599

:smile:

600

What do you call the back of a book about vegetables?

The glasraĂ­

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601

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and indulging the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He is my right-hand man and is really the strength of this command. His talents are simply boundless.” Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunch-backed, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than one metre tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I have represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…"

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off………

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