I hired a limo for âŹ500 to use for a night out on the town, but I just found out it doesnât come with a driver.
All that money hiring a limo and nothing to chauffeur it
16 Likes
That is so bad, itâs actually good
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didnât touch him.
/original/3X/a/7/a7d61afbdeff2f5844cdf8163545cd4e8dc45d79.mp4
3 Likes
Guy walks into a quiet pub a with his dog, at the time Hearts are 1-0 up in the Cup Final.
He asks for a pint. Soon after the dog does a backflip. Barman says "What theâŚ??. Why does yer Dug Do that?â
Guys Says, every time he Backflips, Celtic have scored, must be 1-1.
Orders up another Pint, Soon afterwards the Dug Backflips again, Guy Says â2-1,Celticâ.
Barman says "Youâre Having a laugh, am away tae Check the Score ".
2 mins later Heâs Back.
"Yer Spot On ".
Few Minutes Later Dug Backflips 3 times.
Guy Says" Game over, Celtic are Treble Treble Winners".
Barman Says "I Believe You mate, But can i Ask you One Question? "
Fire Away MateâŚ
" What Does Yer Dug Do if Rangers Win Anything?? "
" No idea mate Iâve only had him for 8 yearsâŚ"
6 Likes
What do you call a porn star who canât aim?
Mr. Completely
4 Likes
âThe Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.â
This announcement followed Ferrariâs decision to take advantage of the Irish governmentâs âWork for your Doleâ scheme and employ some Tallaght youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Tallaght were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrariâs existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crewâs first practice session, not only was the Tallaght pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Dutch Gold, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltonâs bird in the shower.
It was Postman Patâs last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ÂŁ50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ÂŁ5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
âAll this was just too wonderful for words,â he said, âbut whatâs the five quid for?â
âWell,â said the dumb blonde, âlast night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for youâ.
âI asked him what to give youâ.
He said, âFuck-him. Give him a fiver.â
She smiled shyly and said, âThe breakfast was my ideaâ
12 Likes
Took me a while but thumbs up
1 Like
A woodworm walks into a bar and asks, âis the bartender here?â
12 Likes
a 62 yr old small farmer from Clare married a Thai bride and they are chatting at breakfast the morning after:
Thai bride: âreally Paddy, a small penis shouldnât matter in a loving relationshipâ
Paddy: âI know that, âŚbut I still wish you didnât have oneâ
8 Likes
Can you explain for my slow friend?
1 Like
Tell him to chew on it for a while
if you put a space in between bar and tender and read it again. Take your time
1 Like