How does the man on the moon cut his hair ?
Eclipse it
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2 snakes walking along. One asks the other: “Are we poisonous?”. Second snake says: “I don’t know, why?” The first replies: “I just bit my tongue”
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do you remember the joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
Baboom !
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dunno
To get to the idiots house.
Ok
Do you get it?
No.
Knock, knock?
Who’s there.
The chicken
This isn’t a terrible joke, more something that amused me. A new lass in work from Germany asked me yesterday about “that Bray Bray” place as she thought it was a funny name. She’s been coming in and out on the DART and was confused by the PA announcing the destination in English and Irish. “This DART is for Bré…Bray.” Bray Bray, do you get it? Mega lol. That didn’t happen etc etc.
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Two Tipp men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
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Roll eyes
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Two mates are sitting in a train station in the USA, looking to buy tickets to Pittsburg. The first lad goes up to buy his tickets and the lady behind the counter has massive big tits, they’re wobbling every time she moves. The guy is transfixed by her tits. He goes up and says “I’d like a ticket to titsburg please” and she looks at him horrified and she slaps him.
The poor man walks back to his friend with a big red face, completely humiliated. He says to his friend, “Fuck!! I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life, I’ve just made a Freudian slip. I went to the chick with the big tits and I said I wanted tickets to Titsburg instead of Pittsburg. A Freudian slip they call that, when you want to say one thing but you say what you’re really thinking instead. Then the other person gets offended. Fuck!”
His friend listens carefully. “Freudian slip eh?” He says, “I think I know whathat you mean. Yesterday morning I was sitting at the the able and the wife was making me eggs. She knows I only like soft boiled eggs, she knows that. Anyway she comes to the table with hardboiled eggs and she asks me if they’re ok. I look at the eggs, I look at my wife and I say “I fucking hate you you ugly bitch, you’ve stolen my life.””
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if there’s one thing worse than a man who is a control freak…
…it’s a woman who won’t do what she’s told!
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Honestly some people will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop.
All I asked was ‘How are you getting on?
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when he DID get on he was put off for standing on the seat
A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven. He tells God a joke about the gas chambers, but God looks at him very sternly and says, “that’s not funny”.
The holocaust survivor replies “you had to be there”
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That’s a fucking great joke.
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It’s from series 6 of comedians in cars getting coffee. Gervais pitches it and another Jewish joke to Seinfeld. Seinfeld thinks it’s hilarious but he also thinks it’s profound. “A novel in a joke” says he… Great stuff altogether