What you call a pair of shoes made out of bananas?
Slippers
4 Likes
Iām never smoking weed near immigrants again. I asked has anyone got papers and they all ran away.
3 Likes
1 Like
A Buddhist from West Belfast gets into a taxi. The driver says āwhere are we going mate?ā. The Buddhist says ātake me to the fucking airport, and less of the small talkā
2 Likes
A Cavan husband and wife win the Euromillions Jackpot worth a massive 135 million euro.
Sitting at the kitchen table, they have a serious discussion.
Wife: Gerry, what are we gonna do about all the begging letters?
Husband: Wellā¦I suppose we just keep sending them.
8 Likes
An 18 year old Mayo girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, āWho was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!ā The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: āGood morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. That I canāt marry her because of my personal family situation but Iāll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.ā āAdditionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a ā¬2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a ā¬4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and ā¬2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?ā
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the manās shoulder and tells him,
āYouāll ride her again.ā
6 Likes
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said you donāt have much of a case
7 Likes
Iāve got a joke about Sean Conneryās sisters, baby daughter. Itās a little niche.
10 Likes
I met a woman outside the store crying, she had lost ā¬200, so I gave her ā¬40 from the ā¬200 I found. When God blesses you, you must bless others.
5 Likes
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
10 Likes
Two ducks flying over Ballymenaā¦one looks at the other and says āquack, quackā
The other duck looks back and says: āIām goinā as quack as I canā
5 Likes
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone elseā¦
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "Iāll give you a Ā£100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "Iāll be fast. Iāll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and Iāll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriendā¦ So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, āAsk him for Ā£200, pick up the
money very fast, he wonāt even be able to get his
Pants down.ā
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, āThe cunt used coins!ā
1 Like
Women donāt ābelongā to men.
2 Likes
Barman: this Spanish actor was in here last week acting the bollix
Me: Javier Bardem?
Barman: Nah, but I doubt Antonio Banderas is gonna be back.
4 Likes
My mate Gavin died from heartburn, I canāt believe Gav is gone.
2 Likes
I really dislike you.