[quote=âJuhniallioâ]Three for a cocktail party.
They have to be told as three jokes in a row.
- Q. Whoâs the coolest guy in the hospital?
A. The ultra-sound guy.
.[/QUOTE]
Q Whoâs the next best if he isnât around?
A The hip replacement guy
[quote=âMacâ]Q Whoâs the next best if he isnât around?
A The hip replacement guy[/QUOTE]
Al Jazeera have released an apparently ârecentâ recording of Osama Bin Laden where he says that Liverpool were shite at the weekend.
Experts are skeptical though as they believe it could have been recorded months ago.
Some twat keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down the phone.
I keep telling him to fuck off but heâs adamant.
2 mexicans are walking through the desert. Theyâve been walking for days and are on the brink of death. Suddenly they spot a large tree draped in rashers and rashers of bacon.
âEy essayâ Said Miguel. âWeâre saved, eets a bacon treeeeâ
Miguel runs towards the tree leaving Paulo behind. Just as he gets to the tree, he is shot in the chest and falls backwards.
âNooooâ shouts Paulo as he runs to help his friend. âMiguel, whaâ happened, essay?â
âQuickâ Miguel gasps with his dying breaths âRun, Paulo. Eets not a bacon treeâŚeets a ham bush!â
âŚ
It could also be Rocko to be fair.
He loves the retro stuff.
Tom.
:rolleyes:
Who is this utter mong?
Donât know if I posted this before but I think itâs class.
A Cavan man loses his wife and approaches the local paper to place her death notice in the obituary section.
The editor tells him that the first three words are free but after that he is charged by the word.
âIâm a bit short on cash at the momentâ says the Cavan lad. âMARY IS DEAD will have to doâ.
The editor feels sorry for him and offers him three extra words for nothing.
âVery wellâ says the Cavan lad.
âPut⌠MARY IS DEAD. HAY FOR SALE.â
I am Tom Barry.
If you donât know who I am then you have no experience of the Internet.
Have you heard of the Rolling Stones? Nelson Mandela? Bobby Jones? Luke Skywalker?
All less famous than me.
Tom.
Is this the same Cavan man who handed the barman the exact change in the Parnell Mooney? :rolleyes:
What do gay horses eat for dinner?
Haaaayyyy!
Duran Duran have just released the official England world cup song.
His name is Rio and he watches from the stand.
What do you ball a Muslim construction worker? Ahmed Ashed.
I went to a seafood disco last night ⌠i pulled a mussel
Stephen Hawkin has just returned from his first date in years covered in bruises with a broken wristâŚapparently she stood him up
My girlfriend just found out that iâve replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.
A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.
His condition is described as stable.
A Muslim walks into a pub and the barman says, âWhy the wrong place?â
Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.
Whatâs brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please donât get an erection, please donât get an erectionâŚbut she did.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said âYouâre pulling my legâ
Iâve just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that theyâre not actually a dating agency.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had ÂŁ1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that Iâm a stalker. Well, sheâs not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Whatâs the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Oneâs a superhero and the other is an instruction.
A wife says to her husband youâre always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? Youâre in a wheel chair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hi mate i donât want you to panic but Iâm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isnât what i thought it was
A mate of mine recently denied being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any timeâŚ
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and theyâre still walking about with it. I thought to myself, theyâve lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were ÂŁ70!!! stuff that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. âMorning.â I said. âNoâ he replied, âjust having a pee.â
Went around to a friendâs house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if iâd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
My racing snail was too slow and never won any races. So I removed itâs shell to make him faster and more aerodynamic.
it didnât work, if anything it made him more sluggish.