Tiernan McCann found innocent after chocolate biscuit mutiny ends GAA disciplinary hearing
Tyrone’s Tiernan McCann has finally had his eight week ban for bringing the GAA into disrepute overturned after a dramatic night of events at Croke Park.
The Central Hearings Committee (CHC) finally reached a decision at around 1am, after running out of chocolate digestive biscuits.
Twitter had gone into overdrive nearly three hours previously after rumours of McCann’s ban being overturned leaked out, but these reports proved premature, due to what was at that point still a well stocked cupboard.
Mayo’s Kevin Keane had much earlier had his red card against Donegal downgraded to a yellow in a decision that took less than 30 seconds, but McCann’s hearing was to prove much more lengthy.
“There was no way we were letting that diving Nordie gobshite out of here without making him wait for a long time”, said Fintan Crummy, Chairman of the CHC. “The decision was obviously a formality, but there was loads of lovely finger food available and the committee members decided it’d be a sin to let it go to waste. When we polished all that off we tucked into the biscuits. They were lovely. Chocolate digestives, not the miserable Irish-made ones now, the proper McVities ones. Great with a pot of tea.”
Eyewitnesses said the committee members sat dunking biscuits in tea and laughing at McCann for over three hours while the hearing took place.
At one point McCann asked if he could have a biscuit only to be met with a frosty response from committee Chairman Crummy, followed by loud laughter from the rest of the committee.
“The cheeky bollix actually asked us for a biscuit”, said another committee member, on condition of anonymity. "I said to him, “you’re bloody lucky you’ll be walking out of here a free man tomorrow, and it will be tomorrow, mark my words.”
“We could have gone on until at least dawn if we had to”, continued the committee member. “The lads were all enjoying the biccies immensely, absolutely scoffing them down. But we ran out of them at about 1am. We did think of sending somebody out to get more, and a couple of packets of fags while we were at it, but the nearest 24 hour shop is way up on Dorset Street, and that’s a bit of a trek at this time of night, so we just said, “fuck that, we’ll call it a night. Innocent.” Twas probably the wise decision, the lads were fuckin’ stuffed, actually.”
But Crummy was still upbeat as he left the hearing. “At least the greasy haired bollix will have to drive all the way back to Tyrone in the middle of the night. He won’t sleep tonight, that’s for sure.”