The E-Tims Rumour. An acquired read but a fooking excellent read for any Celtic supporter. I’ll be available to summarise in bullet points from Sunday onwards:
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
Yeah I was just following the old guy
trying to move north and find my home
geezer lighter the futures brighter
trying to make most games feel like a Saturday nighter
Yeah I was just following the old guy
I found a new striker here’s a fiver
I’ll have to lend you excuse me I’ve found my new venue
Yeah I was just following the old guy
I was just going with the…uh
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
But I Feel Good
But I Feel High
A great bit of Tim Armada to start the weekend.
Do you feel good? Do you feel high?
Are you sure as we’ve no room for miserable basturts around here?
Ok let’s go………….
First off, a big ETims Rooma Mill hello to all you Manchester Policemen out there.
Hello……………
First off……I know we said that already but we feel good and certainly feel high………thanks to all those fellow mentally scarred Tims who contacted us advising the surname of the nutter who penned letters to the Evening Times telling everyone how great the Kelly’s and White’s were. To save his blushes (he might be fan…….past tense is probably more appropriate now) we won’t reveal his surname but for those of us in excess of [enter old farts age] it was a scary time reading his inane ramblings in Glasgow’s favourite local journal while pining for some good news from the ever so eloquent John Quinn………we are not worthy bow.
At least John would have the decency to contact us first if we’d been around in his day……eh Ronnie?
And what a few months it’s been since our last Rumour Mill indulgence of pish and wind (lazy basturts!). Financial crisis………Police crisis………Poodles writing critical articles crisis……Celtic board spending no money when in a position of strength crisis………Celtic throwing away league crisis………Celtic dithering over appointing a new manager crisis……all this and more at the soap operas also known as Moonbeams FC & winners of the best football balance sheet in Europe PLC FC.
Great intit?
But before we really start this week’s light-hearted book of nonsense remember one important thing……….everything and we repeat everything you are about to read is untrue. Especially the fabricated tales of mistruths and downright lies we are about to share with you. Is this clear? You sure? OK press Green for go.
Let’s begin at the start. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth had no form. It was empty, covered with darkness and water. Then the Spirit of God hovered over the water, and God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good…….will you just get on with it….ok, ok just our wee (cough) joke there!
Let’s get the Wee Gordon story out of the way first. We’ve known since January he was leaving and informed a number of drunkards close to the guys who write on the team. Such was the delicacy of the matter we felt it best to keep well away from the site as we are aware that even though we are only a pishy wee website rumours and comments do get out into mainstream Scottish media thanks to those lazy gits masquerading as journalists. The last thing we wanted was this to enter the public domain when we were still challenging for the league which may have put a small amount of additional pressure onto the team. Instead, like everyone else we wanted the four and then as soon as the season was over by a few days to announce his departure as an exclusive on the site……only for everything to go Pete Tong and Gordon and his team to throw the title away. We were informed that el Gordo (someone will get that) informed del Pedro (no one will get that) just after the 1-0 victory at Ibrox in December that he’d had enough and would not be staying on for a fifth season even if Celtic were crowned champions once more. Our Wee Man’s source informs us that Pedro was taken aback especially as this followed a victory at Ibrox but after a two hour face to face conversation followed by an equally lengthy phone call when Pedro tried his best to get Gordo to change his mind but the wee man was not for turning.
We understand this was the determining factor in no substantial outlay of funds being spent during January unless of course you are a right miserable basturt and see a 50 grand spend for a club of Celtic’s size as being significant………and if you are go away…….as we said earlier.
Our drunken source tells us Gordo’s official line to the wider board was four years is enough for anyone in the madness that is the Glasgow goldfish bowl but we hear he privately informed Pedro (who interestingly enough is also a good personal friend of Gordo’s) and a current SPL manager that the final straw was when last summers agreed funds (they were substantial) were pulled by the board within hours of the Huns loss to Kaunus after deals had already been agreed to sign both Gabriel Tamas and Razvan Rat and only required the formalities of the players and their agents signatures.
We also hear Del Pedro was within a baw hair of chucking it such was his anger following months of negotiations and no little travel on his behalf that was all thrown to waste at the last minute. We are informed he took a “helluva lot of persuading to stay” by a certain (horror film scream) Dr Death. Keep an eye on this one…….
Back to Gordo story……the club had known for five months Gordo was departing and instructed a few agents close to the club to make tentative enquiries to a number of potential new managers. We don’t know them all but the one’s we are aware of are:
Davie Moyes, Owen Coyle, Tony Mowbray, John Collins, Slaven Bilic, Mark McGhee, Roberto Martinez, Victor Munoz & Gordon Strachan……that is if you include the Kaiser bending down on his moustache and pleading with the wee man to stay in the boardroom after the final league game of last season…
Initially the favoured target over the previous months was Bilic. Positive discussions did take place but hit a major snag when the Croatian legend advised he could not walk out on his country prior to World Cup qualifying completing later this year. Consideration was given to Willie Mc and Lenny holding the fort for a few months but the risk was considered too high should the club get off to a poor start to the season especially with so many crucial fixtures facing the team so the bold Slaven was informed not this time……
Next on to the man the board were desperate to get following Gordo’s final naw to the Kaiser.
A very very very very very god source…see what we did there?..was party to all the discussions regarding the Coyle and Pedro….You dancing?..You asking?.. love affair. Despite the public pronouncements of ‘We didnae do nothing, honest’ claims from both parties, this is just a sham to retain pride on all sides. The club can utter the “Mogga was always our first choice”’ spin following his appointment and Coyle can reassure Burnley and its 14 fans and 2 cats that all is well but the reality is very much different.
Talks about Coyle moving to el Paradiso actually started way before the Monday of the Championship Play off final. Coyle had been sounded out over 3 months ago regards his availability and openness to returning to Glasgow. Ever the diplomat he was happy to talk and was very interested but had a job to do guiding Burnley out of the Championship. After the Play Off final win and the news Strachan had resigned the floodgates opened as the world began to put 2+2 together and make 4. Well more like 4.5.
The truth is that Coyle had agreed to TALKS with Celtic but he hadn’t agreed to join. This allows various websites out there to disparage the claims linking him with the first choice for manager but the simple fact of the matter is the job was offered to him despite what anyone at the club and their small band of poodles may claim. In fact. The club were desperate to get him on board ASAP so desperate that during further talks that week they asked Coyle to join and then let his family fly to Florida that Friday without him. The club promised to fly him out to Florida on the weekend after his public unveiling at the TB tribute match (Private jet anyone?) Coyle dismissed this citing family comes first and regardless of any contract outcome he would be in Florida on the Friday. Ultimately family prevailed because he said ‘thanks but no thanks’ to Celtic after a closing discussion with his wife Kerry who had always voiced concern at the affect of such a move on his young family, especially as his son heads for secondary school after the holidays.
We are informed Mogga was also contacted several months ago and made it clear he also had a job to do trying to keep the baggies baggies boing boing in the EPL before he would enter any kind of talks. Although Swansea were contacted regarding Roberto Martinez’s availability and more publicity was given to him thanks to the Swansea directors there is no doubt Mogga was the favoured candidate once Coyle offered his final declination.
We hear the big man……a very likeable guy………was ecstatic at being offered the job although his reactions seemed somewhat withdrawn compared to those of Peter the Pointer who we hear ran about his house hyper for an hour before his better half opened their front door thus allowing Peter to direct local traffic for the remainder of the evening.
So from everyone at ETims………yes even including the miserable git that is Gaudd………we would all like to welcome Mogga and Grantie back to the club and wish them every success in the future…………see us……see the people involved in the current ETims team not bad mouthing Celtic’s new manager from day one.
So now the new man is in and Marc Antoine Fortune…….for those of you who like us are simple creatures and not educated to know how his name should be phonetically pronounced and really don’t give a eff it is…………For–Tune……… has become his first signing….although we are perplexed why he was trying to talk into his mobile phone after leaving the front door at CP on Tuesday especially as the phone was upside down and still had the cover on it……and has been joined by ex-Sid and Nancy team-mate Lanry N’Guemo (En-Guem-O) who we hear is a stoatir of a player…………ah stoatir don’t you just love Glaswegian words?
Gonny go ben the scullery and get me a piece’n’butter……which was really a cheap margarine from the buy-well……….and also none of your pan bread or modern fancy wholemeal pish………….nup, a good old plain outsider with big thick crust and some ‘butter’ filled with cheese’n’onion own brand crisps yir maw bought as part of the weekly shopping…………btw did embdy else’s Ma spend three hours that day going through the receipt and blame your Da if by her reckoning the receipt was out a few bob compared to the change she got…………knowing fine the old yin had nipped in for a fly pint when he’d told her he’d forgot the fags and had to return back to the buy-well!
Oh right, what were we talking aboot? Ah, Mogga and new signings……
We hear a careful eye has been set for some time……how do you do that?..on Seydou Doumbia the young striker who plies his trade with Young Bhoys of Berne. The Ivory Coast lad had a brilliant season last term in Switzerland following a spell in Japan and he’s still only 21. Bags of pace with an eye for a goal there is serious consideration being given to bringing this one in as another big season in the land of cow-bells….nope not the Savoy on a Saturday night……….will see his value rocket out of the reach of Celtic. Our man tells us we’ve entered discussions with Berne about his purchase and have been quoted 2.5m which is a bit over the 1.5m we had originally envisaged paying. Watch this one with interest…
Our mover and shaker was at a meet the manager (he was at the time!) gerragirra for all those souls who managed to spend over 1m using their Celtic credit card last year. Alas, Gordy wasn’t there as both he and Pedro were off sunning themselves in the south of Spain at the time with Pedro donning his finest Crockett and Tubbs white suit with matching shoes and Gordy suitable covered in factor 80 suncream, Jesus sandals with white socks and a white handkerchief tied in a knot on top of his head. With the manager not around to have lunch with the audience it was left to Big Mick, Bertie Auld and Sergeant Pendrey to keep the Prawn sandwich brigade amused.
After lunch was served a Q&A commenced with the club asking for any questions from the audience. All hands shot up immediately, including two hands from the self-made gobshampooes, that is until the host advised “outwith those asking for a new left back”, which immediately led to all hands just as quickly falling down apart from the big fat guy at the back who was looking for double helpings of caramel cake and custard.
Our man due to the seating arrangements ended up sitting next to the Sergeant and spent the best part of an hour chatting away to him 1-2-1 while Bertie held the fort and had the assorted numbers in stitches. Our chap, for he is a man, advised us that Sergeant Pendrey was a really likeable guy and nothing like the perception he’d envisaged the old asst manager to be.
It appears the Sergeants Sister-in-Law and her hubby both unfortunately passed away a wee while back sadly leaving four kids without a mother and father. GP and his wife ‘adopted’ them and on top of their own brought to seven the number of ‘weans’ in the Sergeant’s household. Seven is a magic number in Celtic circles.
He also shared with our man that it was likely he would be moving down to England at the end of the season, now considering this meeting took place several months ago we’ll leave it up your own devices whether or not you believed the Board have known for some time that both he and wee Gordy were leaving……
Talking of Strachan’s walking away, we heard the wee man didn’t leave a button in his Bothwell mansion, but he did leave with quite a few brass ones in his back pocket despite ‘walking away’. Strachan has already been signed up for Match of the Day 2 where his wise cracks can cheer up poor old Adrian Childs whose West Brom team are now down a league and erm, down a manager.
We are told but can’t believe this that Watty doesn’t actually have a contract. Asked for one, and Sir David put it off and off until declaring no go. Freelance managers, what next?
Back to reality and apparently young Milan Misun is a total star in the making. Our wee Man’s mole tells us the coaching staff and fellow players see him being an absolute belter in the near future.
We’re told that Celtic’s new strip with the tartan trim is a little bit cheeky. Anyone checking an online tartan guide which includes the Irish tartans should see what we mean. One word. South.
We’re actively pursuing another Irish international to go straight into first team duties. No names mentioned…….
We hear a professor at Glasgow University was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
“Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”.
The woman replied,
“He’s at Ibrox watching Rangers”.
Apparently it took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
Our Great Eastern source informs us that Naka would have signed for another season if Gordo had remained.
On the Gordo front we hear if he gets another EPL gig Heid will definitely be joining him (even if he signs a new contract and is offered the captaincy) and the Holy Goalie if sufficient funds are provided. We hear Gordo has already held talks with Portsmouth.
With Heid more than likely to move his massive cranium out of the door if/when the above happens we hear Celtic have firmed up their earlier interest in Croatian international Ivica Krizanac. He’s a 30 year old centre-half and representatives from our club are currently re-engaged in discussions with his agent about a move. Krizanac would cost around 3m….we are not sure if pounds or euros……but this depends on one of the four centre backs leaving (see above). With O’Dea being assured he’ll get his chance under the new guard….Loovens McLoving life in Scotland and Big Mick also being informed by Mogga that he rates him highly but wants him to fully recover from his recent surgery and 100% fit…………by all accounts he’s been taking pain killing injections and not been injury free for eighteen months now!..it means one will have to depart with the added bonus that Balde’s recently freed up wage allows the new management team to pay top rate to a player with Krizanac’s pedigree.
So farewell Bobo. While we’ve never known a players ability to increase tenfold like yours while absent from the first team we’d like to thank-you for your honest endeavours when you did play on the field. Just a pity Gordo didn’t show more baws against Pedro and the board who demanded your exclusion from the first team squad……no matter…….all the best at Wolves, Brum or wherever you end up next.
Talking about that Burnley Championship Play off final. Great to see the credit crunch really is hitting us all. We’re told by our pal Stelios that a very ‘merry’ Paul Hartley, Skoosh Brown, Glenn Loovens, Darren O’Dea and Gary Caldwell were all on the 6:15am Easyjet flight to Stansted to go watch the Burnley-Sheffield United final. By all accounts the Celtic players hadn’t been to bed since their depressing Sunday the day before but still managed to enjoy themselves. Well almost all. Skoosh had a face like thunder when asked to get in a photo with a group of kids from the Gorbals. Broon declined to appear in the photo claiming ‘I’m in enough trouble through photos ken, carry on’. It took a menacing ‘Get in the picture!’ growl from Paul Hartley to move Brown into focus range. Once the picture was taken cue Brown muttering ‘That will be me in the papers again nae doubt ken’. Poor paranoid boy.
The Celtic gang joined the Gorbals crew heading to the Stansted Express where Hartley casually mentioned that Strachan had bid them farewell and was going to Sunderland. This was at 8am. 4 hours before Strachan has resigned officially. Cue a dozen bets being wagered on WGS joining the Black Cats. Strachan’s price went from 8/1 to 8/11 within 12 hours. Who knows what happened to that deal mind. The last sighting of the Celtic crew down for the play offs was in Leicester square Yates bar….classy bunch of Bhoys……where they had changed into Burnley T-shirts and Paul Hartley was forced to admit that somehow between Glasgow and London he had lost the match tickets. We’re sure Steven Caldwell didn’t mind an emergency phone call from his brother with only 3 hours to kick-off at the biggest game of his life.
We are told one person who was initially very upset that the Coyle talks broke down is a certain John Park who has a portfolio and strategy presentation ready for review for the new manager. Coyle and Park are on very good terms and Coyle is a manager he has high regards for, unlike a certain wee ginger guy who he regards as ‘extremely difficult to read’. We’re told Park would often be found complaining about Strachan’s easy-oozy attitude when it came to recommendations. Park had contemplated calling it a day before Strachan’s walk as he couldn’t stomach another ‘leave it with me’ from WGS whenever park presented some new signing gem. On the positive side we hear JP was over the moon when he later heard Mogga was getting the gig. Patience is a virtue…
Other snippets……Samaras is by some distance the most confidence dependent player the Celtic coaching staff have ever come across……even in training. They have tried the carrot, the stick and even the threat of a short’back’n’sides but to no avail. Adding to their disappointment is that everyone at the club believes on his day at training Samaras is the best player at the club when confidence is high but the poorest player at the club after one or two simple mistakes. Anyone got Jack Black’s mindstore number?
James McCarthy a certainty to sign.
Losing the league has cost Celtic a 1m bonus from Nike as expected sales would have activated a reward bonus but sales of the new strip won’t reach that magical trigger after the depressing end to the season. Then again a new and reasonably popular manager may make a difference…
Steve Clarke was also contacted about the Celtic job way back in April. Our Londonium source advised that Clarke admits he held talks with a member of the Board where he agreed that he could see himself with a future at Celtic Park. He’s apparently raging now that interest ended as there was quite a bit of romancing by all accounts. Clarke says he initially thought he was wanted to become a defensive coach (as if Celtic would have such a thing) and when it was talk of running the first team he started stalling on his ready to sign contract extension at West Ham. After 2 weeks of back and forth, Clarke asked for some clarity on the matter only to be told it was “still too soon to take that next step in negotiations and would have to wait till ‘it’s confirmed’” The ‘it’ being the season ending. Clarke duly signed the extension but ensured it held an exit clause if Celtic came in for him. Understandably he’s now fuming that his phone still hasn’t rang. Still saves him going back to Paisley twice a year we suppose.
Big Developments out East. We’re told a hotel is going to be built at Lennoxtown next year alongside an academic facility and additional football pitches including a full size indoor pitch……and the next step in Lennoxtown’s development will be complete. Some impressive glances at the blueprints while the architect wasn’t looking shows players accommodation and also leisure facilities on the plan. Sadly the plan doesn’t mention anything about a Left-back but we can only pray.
A big welcome to young Wishaw Bhoy Stephen O’Donnell who recently signed for the club and will work under Chris McCart and the U19’s. We hear Stephen is from a Celtic-daft family with his father also being a season ticket holder for a number of years and regular attendee at the supporters association club on London Road among many, many hostelries. We also hear his old man is fond of a rebellious song or two and known to take the microphone when live bands are on stage in Filte from time to time. All the very best in your new career Stephen (he’s a right back) and we are sure your old man who has a great family of children around him is now officially the happiest man alive.
West Ham of all teams talking to Massimo Donati’s representatives.
We are told the Huns bid 500k for Berra back in January.….in 4 payments. We hear Vlad is still laughing.
Some wag sent us this link in. We can only say those of a nervous disposition please look away now.
http://www.filipsebo.com/
Let us know when you’ve stopped laughing………ok…you sure?..off we go again.
Talking about having a Sebo, you all must have noticed how shampooe our hosting company is………If someone hasn’t copied and pasted this for you you’ll probably have to wait until Sunday to view it…. If any of you techie whizzes out there know of a hosting company who can do us a turn and can easily cope with between 500-600 concurrent sessions when new articles hit the site please drop us a note etims.contact@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it as it’s bugging the t!ts out of us too!
Mark Brown interesting Dundee Utd and Aberdeen.
We’ve been rattling on about a new Nike deal for months and months and would you believe it our complete nonsense story became a reality. Well we hear the figure mentioned of 30m includes bonuses built in which are almost certain (Euro participation) including guaranteed trips to the States, Asia and Australia over the next five years and……if the mid-season winter break is re-established a money spinning trip to Dubai to play another of Nike’s high profile football clients.
On the money spinning front and again something we’ve been boring you all to death with….in fact we even bore ourselves to death with this one….is the new shirt-sponsorship deal which our wee man’s source tells us is 100% certain to be without the Huns. We have three offers on the table…we genuinely don’t know the name of any of them other than they are close affiliates of Nike…but we hear a 12m three year deal is the offer on the table. Look out for initial snippets of this hitting the media later this month.
We’ve been informed the club expects Xabier Castillo to sign for Celtic later next week. The Real Sociedad left back is available to non-Spanish league clubs for around €200k thanks to a clause in his contract. Late attempts have been made by a La Liga club to sign him but our man believes Celtic are still in the driving seat and unless there’s a late change of mind he’ll be our new left back next season……….it also helped that he and Crosas have known each other for years and have been in regular contact over the past few months. With Xabi arriving (if only it was the real one) look for Lee Naylor to be away before the transfer window closes. We hear Burnley, West Brom and Stoke have all made tentative enquiries about his availability with 2m the price being quoted.
As we advised last time…Big Jan was definitely leaving this summer with clubs in Holland, Germany and England fighting over his signature. We hear Jan was a very popular figure with everyone at the club and always had time for any member of the Celtic staff no matter their place within the hierarchy who wanted a chat. Like a few others you were pretty dire last season but you also brought us plenty of great memories during your time at Celtic including that opening goal at Old Trafford…….diving header against Barcelona…….last minute winner against the Huns and of course the winning goal on Helicopter Thursday. Best wishes from all of us.
What’s this about two members of the RST who are among those shampooeing themselves that they’ve been captured on the GMP’s candid camera footage. We understand upon hearing this information Sir David broke into a rather large smile. Wonder why?
We did previously tell you about The Speculative Society didn’t we? Sounds like one of Moonbeams companies and you know something you wouldn’t be that far off the mark. Think Scottish establishment….think Sir David……think Jack Irvine……think executive bankers, members of parliament….Scottish law Lords…….think Angus Grossart….think Brian Soutar………there’s a story there somewhere.
We hear UEFA have kicked off salary cap discussions with all Chief Execs / Club Owners with a 2 year timeline to deliver a detailed document explaining how this will work. It looks increasingly likely this will be pushed through due to significant support being offered by many of the relatively new top club owners who have great experience of the North American sports market. One or two of the major clubs are not in favour but they are now very much in the minority and Platini expects to see UEFA’s proposals implemented for the start of season 2011/12 with a handful of concessions due to the uniqueness of the football market.
STOP PRESS….STOP PRESS……One that’s arrived really late in the day………literally just fifteen minutes before publishing…news has just reached us that the club are still in discussions with Marc Janko about a move to Celtic and further talks will take place next week between the club, the player and his representatives……….we’ve not been this excited since the night we beat Boavista away 1-0….as we say this has literally just arrived in the door but our Wee Man’s mole is certain further talks will take place next week and not only that but the player has made it clear he wants to sign for Celtic if a deal can be struck between the club and Red Bull Salzburg. We’ll pass on more news when we get it.
So that’s us for another episode of stuff, nonsense and completely made up shampooe but if we’ve made one person smile then our job is complete. You know the drill by now anything you want to share please send to: etims.contact@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it and we promise to ignore the best, consider the average and publish the worst as it’s the kind of damn living on the edge fools we are.
P.S. We didn’t mention that Spanish based and rather slippery attacker did we?
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