One of the best ones imo is when Homer is trying to skive off work from the power plant for the day to go to the Duff Brewery with Barney. He reads in his mind a scripture with details on how to get out of the plant:
If the plant it is you wish to flee, go to sector 7B
Once he’s in sector 7B he sees a huge spider and the scripture says:
To overcome the spiders curse, simply quote a Bible Verse
Homer can’t come up with a Bible verse so he just fecks something at the spider instead to kill him, classic!
bart:will you show me tha move where you kicked him in the back:
homer: sure, first you gotta scream im a heamophiliac, when he looks away in disguist, then its time to kick some back…
homer: to beer the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems…
Chief wiggum has said some smashing stuff. Examples:
Chief Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Friday: That’s “Homer J. Simpson”, Chief. You’re reading it upside down.
Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Friday: Uh, Chief? You’re talking into your wallet.
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Chief Wiggum: Okay folks, show’s over. Nothing to see here, show’s… Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!
The way the the discovery that Batista is gone happens like so
Mr. Burns: So you say Batista’s gone! [to Homer] Did you know that?
Homer: I had no idea!
Mr. Burns: In that case just take us to whoever’s in charge!
Also another classic from that episode:
Mr. Burns: There’s a big one, and it has freedom written all over it!
Smithers: Sir, that’s Cuba.
Mr. Burns: Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers!
Smithers: Uh, you’re flying the plane, sir…
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
That trillion dollar bill episode has a wealth of classic quotes. Another one I just remembered:
Homer: It’s hard to believe there’s a place worse than America, but we found it!
Mr. Burns: Yes, I too feel renewed appreciation for the good old US of A. Oppression and harrassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.
Smithers: Sir, aren’t you facing some serious jail time?
Mr. Burns: Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!
Homer: God bless America!
Scott, things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-addled crowd seems to have turned its rage on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it’s not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
… and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Top o’ the mornin’ to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O’ Brockman live on Main Street, where today, eveyone is a little bit Irish! Eh-heh, everyone except, of course, for the gays and Italians.
All this drinking, violence,destruction of property; are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
The episode where Marge becomes addicted to gambling:
Homer runs into Bart’s room: “Bart, I don’t want to alarm you, but there
may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!”
Marge arrives home, squealing the tires as she stops in the driveway.
She gets to the front door and sees a hole has been torn through it, and
that chairs and other objects have been stacked against the knob. When
she opens it, Homer peeks up from behind a bent-over mattress on the
floor, aiming the shotgun at her and quivering. Bart, Lisa, and Maggie
look over at Marge, and everyone sighs with relief.
Marge: What happened here?
Homer: Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the
bogeyman!
[He tosses the shotgun aside and it discharges]
Of course, none of this would have happened if you had been here
to keep me from doing something stupid.