Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
You couldnt fool me on the foolingist day of the year with an electronic fooling machine
The episode that was on Channel 4 tonight when Apu pretend Marge is his wife to fool Apus Mother.
Homer is scratching lottery tickets)
Homer: Loser Loser Loser $500! Apu! Wake up! I want to buy a yodel and this lottery ticket. I have this much.
Apu: I am sorry but you do not have enough for both.
Homer: (groans and thinks) I’ll take the yodel.
Possibly the most used of the Simpsons phrases in everyday life:
“D’oh”
-
Grandpa:
The last meteorite hit in '08. Of course we blamed it on the Irish… -
Moe:
He’s right y’know
Skinner:
About the duck?
Moe:
About everything dammit.
Hold on Homer I wanna die too!
Have a gander here for more classic moments:
Bart and Lisa explaining to Grampa that they had used his name to write Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. Grampa was visibily puzzled.
Kids: ‘Did you ever wonder why you were getting free checks (cheques) in the mail?’
Grampa: ‘I just figured the Democrats were in power again.’
Some much stuff like that in the show that kids wouldn’t get…
The episode when Bart was supposed to be collected by Homer but Homer totally forgot was on last night. The part when a car is approching that is the same as Homers is brilliant. Then we see a woman who looks and talks like Homer:
“I am woman hear me roar, In numbers too big to ignore, And I know too much to go back an’ pretend”
Possibly my favourite moment ever.
Why don’t I see you playing the guitar anymore son?
Dad I have something to tell you - I hope you won’t get too mad. Playing the guitar was hard so I quit.
Son - of course I am not mad. You tried something and it didn’t work out. Now put your guitar next to your (lists a pile of other things Bart tried and gave up) and let’s go and watch TV.
Why what’s on?
It doesn’t matter.
Seriously though who comes up with these lines. It is pure genius.
the episode when the simpsons go into witness protection and the agents are giving homer his new identity…
agent: from now on your homer thompson, lets try it out, hello mister thompson(homer looks blankly)
after a good while
agent: when i stamp on your foot you say hello, hello mister thompson(stamping on his foot)
homer to the other agent: i think he is talking to you
Obviously my signature is one of the best quotes, but others would included.
Homer singing “Oh Margie, you came and you found me a Turkey, on my vacation away from workie”
Burns to Smithers “Look at the ankles on that woman Smithers. That’s it, work it”
Smithers “Ringadingding Sir”
In the Shinning episode
Homer “No beer and no TV make Homer go something something”
Marge “Go crazy?”
Homer “Don’t mind if I do, wyallllalllaaaboopbapbubldldlingo”
At a BBQ Homer was hosting and Lisa becomes a Veggie
Lisa “Look everyone, taste these burgers, their made of lentils”
Everyone “Hahahahahahahahah”
Barney “Go back to Russia”
Marge going into prison to teach art, confronts the guard working the door
Marge “I’m here to teach the art classes”
Guard “Art classes, ohhh, La Di Daa”
Buzzzzz, lets her in…
Another Guard with prisoner “Solitary confinement”
Guard “Solitary Confinement, ohhh, La Di Daa”
[quote=“Locke”]
At a BBQ Homer was hosting and Lisa becomes a Veggie
Lisa “Look everyone, taste these burgers, their made of lentils”
Everyone “Hahahahahahahahah”
Barney “Go back to Russia”
QUOTE]
wasnt it gaspacho soup she made
When Marge is a cop and ends up arresting Homer:
MargE: you have the right to remain silent
Homer: I choose to waive that right - BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[quote=“The Puke;42101][QUOTE=Locke”]
At a BBQ Homer was hosting and Lisa becomes a Veggie
Lisa “Look everyone, taste these burgers, their made of lentils”
Everyone “Hahahahahahahahah”
Barney “Go back to Russia”
QUOTE]
wasnt it gaspacho soup she made[/quote]
You’re probably right. It was Barney’s punchline I was getting at…
Actually my favourite of all - going to be my signature now…
Homer after Bart was caught shoplifting…
“Haven’t you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What’s-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom! Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!”
I am pissing myself reading it now - Well I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you?
[quote=“farmerinthecity”]Why don’t I see you playing the guitar anymore son?
Dad I have something to tell you - I hope you won’t get too mad. Playing the guitar was hard so I quit.
Son - of course I am not mad. You tried something and it didn’t work out. Now put your guitar next to your (lists a pile of other things Bart tried and gave up) and let’s go and watch TV.
Why what’s on?
It doesn’t matter.[/quote]
Would you ever quit Bandage’s sister and just watch TV?
found that email of Homer quotes. Its a bit longer than I remembered!
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”
Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What is he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if it’s speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The bus that couldn’t slow down.”
Homer: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Woman: What was her problem?
“Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.”
Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
“Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.”
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
"I want to share something with you - the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “Cover for me.” Number two, “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”
Marge: I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
“Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’”
“Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.”
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge: I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!
“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.”
“Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys, and kids with fake I.D.s.”
Marge: Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they’re having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn’t remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn’t imagine it.
“Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”
Homer: That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Tow truck man: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
“Aw, being a clown sux. You get kicked by kids, hit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I’m leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.”
“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”
“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”
“And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t like it.”
“Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.”
“Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
“Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
“Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”
“Look, Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband, I’m sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I’m sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I’m sorry - oh well, let’s just say I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.”
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me…
Postoffice: Okay. What’s your first name, Mr Burns?
Homer: I … Uh … Don’t know … (suggested by martin cole & ryan colameo & mike)
Bart: “Dad, Lieutenant Smash has gone crazy!”
Homer: “Yep, that’s the look! He he.” (suggested by I.F)
Reporter: Don’t you think it’s dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I’ll handle this … the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes…wait a minute…Statue of Liberty … that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! (suggested by I.F)
“Homer Simpson is not the kind of man that apologizes, I’m sorry that’s just the way I am.” (suggested by edie holland)
“Oh my god, this man’s my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!” (suggested by craig giv)
“Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I’ll just estimate. 9!” (suggested by charlie)
Homer: “No beer and no TV make Homer something something”
Marge: “Go crazy?”
Homer: “Don’t mind if I do” (suggested by cimmerii)
“Look at ‘em. Watchin’ my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!” (suggested by amanda)
Art lady: “It’s called ‘outsider art.’ It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee.”
Homer: “Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!” (suggested by dana)
“Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!” (suggested by dana)
Flanders: “I think we hit something.”
Homer: “I hope its Flanders” (suggested by ashley)
“What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?” (suggested by elisabeth)
Marge: Homer! Stop! you’ll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying! (suggested by joe)
“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!” (suggested by quet)
Lisa: Dad! You can’t just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven’t you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it’ll be a hilarious situation… (suggested by j-live)
“Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like … love!” (suggested by mabel)
“Oh, I’m not gonna lie to you Marge … see ya!” (suggested by mike)
Homer: Do that card counting thing again, go do it!
Rainman: No definitely have to leave the table … yeah yeah … gotta watch Waldner.
Homer: Oh please please please please!
Rainman: … No gotta leave the table…arghhhh!
Homer: Arghhhhhhh! (suggested by pink smurf)
“Stupid T.V. Be more funny.” (suggested by katrina)
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
Homer: Eeewww. I’ll have the crab juice! (suggested by natalie)
“I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!” (suggested by natalie)
“To alcohol … the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!” (suggested by kelley hauser & peter)
“We’re goin to Moe’s. If we’re not back, avenge our deaths.” (suggested by kelley hauser)
“I’m not outta control! You’re outta control! The whole freakin’ system’s outta control! You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face! You’ll know what to do - forget it Marge - it’s China Town!” (suggested by heather & sid)
“I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaming.” (suggested by kristina rice)
“But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder.” (suggested by dustin olson)
“But I’m not a missionary! I don’t even believe in Jebus!” [Seconds later] “Save me Jebus!” (suggested by eric campbell & todd fuller)
Homer: Hey Marge, look at me - I’m making people happy. I’m the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane … In case you didn’t realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well duh. (suggested by kelley & purvis & benjii)
Homer: But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file …
Marge [Whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don’t have anything against her. (suggested by valerie)
Homer [When the house is on fire]: When a fire starts to burn there’s a lesson you must learn, something-something then you’ll see, you’ll avoid catastrophe, D’oh! (suggested by valerie)
Lisa: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer [Thinking]: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer [Thinking]: Swish.
“Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.” (suggested by kim)
“Feelin’ stupid? I am!” (suggested by kim)
“Oh, so they have internet on computers now!” (suggested by kim & drumanaty)
“I know you can read my thoughts boy … meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.” (suggested by kim)
Homer: Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me. (suggested by andrew http://www.thefreekick.com/board/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif
“I’ve got two questions. One, where’s the fife? And two, gimme the fife.” (suggested by michael)
“Chief justice of the supreme court. What great men he would join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger, mmmm burger.” (suggested by michael)
Homer: I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love.
Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good boy, that’s a tough thing to have to go through. Here’s a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn’t DO anything!
Homer: Didn’t he lisa, didn’t he? (suggested by valgal)
"My hotdog has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, my hotdog has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r! (suggested by freaky_be_beautiful)
“Excuse me Doctor, I think I now a little something about medicine.” (suggested by barbara)
“Good things don’t end in ‘eum,’ they end in ‘mania’ or ‘teria.’” (suggested by barbara)
“Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.” (suggested by barbara)
“Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it anyway.” (suggested by barbara)
Bart: Homer, are you licking toads?
Homer: I’m not not licking toads. (suggested by scott mackin)
“Ooh, I’ll never eat chili again … Woohoo CHILI!” (suggested by michelle)
“Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow!” (suggested by juzzy dude)
“Marge, it’s 3 AM. Shouldn’t you be cooking or something?” (suggested by juzzy dude)
Homer: Marge, I’m bored …
Marge: Why don’t you read a book, then?
Homer: Because I’m trying to reduce my boredom. (suggested by juzzy dude)
“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that [Snaps fingers]. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.” (suggested by juzzy dude)
“In America, first you get the sugar … then you get the power … then you get the women.” (suggestsed by mark allenbach)
“I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun.” (suggested by bhayani)
“It is better to watch things then to do them.” (suggested by melissa)
“Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?” (suggested by melissa)
“I won’t lie to you, fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.” (suggested by melissa)
“Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.” (suggested by drumanaty)
“Press the any key … hmmm where’s the any key?” (suggested by drumanaty)
Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner is getting all cold and eaten."
Burns: Oh quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! The sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm … open faced club sandwich.
Bart: Mo-om! My slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
“But let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you know is dead. Now I’m a big fat dynamo.”
“Herman, how could you? We’ve all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers, like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, “Me, too!””
“Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.”
“You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it’s not a room, it’s a windowbox.”
“All right, let’s not panic. I’ll get the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
Bart: But what’s really amazing is that this is exactly what dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids, I’m scared too.
“Marge, what’s wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It’s gas, isn’t it?”
Lisa: Dad, I think he’s an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I’m pretty sure that cheque is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who’s got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
“Oh, everything’s cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I’m cruel.”
“I’m a white male, 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.”
Lisa: Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you: don’t lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I’m part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where’s my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
“Marge, I’m goin’ to Moe’s. Send the kids to the neighbours. I’m comin’ back loaded.”
Bart: We have to go to that show.
Lisa: To get those tickets our parents would have to be part of Springfield’s cultural elite.
Homer: Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
“If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough …
“Why did this have to happen during primetime, when TV’s brightest stars come out to shine?”
“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we’ll go inside and watch TV.”
Marge: I know we didn’t ask for this, Homer, but doesn’t the bible say, “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me … ?”
Homer: Yes, but doesn’t the bible also say, “Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut?”
Millicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash.
Homer: Isn’t there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?
Marge: We can’t afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today’s gasoline prices, we can’t afford not to buy a pony.
Michael: Hi. I’m Michael Jackson, from the Jacksons.
Homer: I’m Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
Billy: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Bart: You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom’s all wet. Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Lisa; Dad, I think that’s pretty spurious.
Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
Skinner: Tonight Sherbet’s, heh, heh, Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.
Homer: Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn’t last long.
“You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car … And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes! And shag carpeting! I want a horn here, here and here. You can never find a horn when you’re mad. And they should all play ‘La Cucaracha.’”
Marge: Homer, you’re his father. You’ve got to reason with him.
Homer: Oh, that never works. He’s a goner!
Homer: Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn’t pulling the same scam you are?
Skinner: Well, for one thing, you wouldn’t be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
Marge: Homer, is this some kind of stag party?
Homer: No, no, Marge. It’s going to be very classy, a tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.
Marge: Hmmm. Eugene Fisk? Isn’t he your assistant?
Homer: No! My supervisor.
Marge: Didn’t he used to be your assistant?
Homer: Hey, what is this? The Spanish Exposition?
Mr. Burns: Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer: Fine. Marge, we’re getting some drive thru then we’re doing it twice.
The Cuba episode is on Channel 4 at the moment.
Lisa: Who needs college mom, we’re trillionaires. Lets buy dune buggies.
At Inspiration Point, Artie starts pawing Marge, and she slaps him when
he tears her dress. Marge asks to be driven home. Homer walks home.
Marge sees Homer walking along the road as she is driven home.
Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about my busy hands.
Not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the TOWN to hear it.