What’s the difference between Marmalade and Jam?
You can’t marmalade it up a girls hole!!!
Whats the definition of self destruction?
An epileptic leper
Well done Runt
A man is a walking around the Olypmic village in Bejing dressed in a tracksuit and carrying a long package. He is approached by a fan who enquires:
“Are you a pole vaulter?”
The man replies:
“Nein, I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?”
Ba doom tish…
Heard this one in a pub at home.
The wife of a Cavan man died and he wanted to put her death notice in the newspaper. The editor told him that he gets the first three words for a fixed price but after that he is charged per word. So the Cavan man decides to go with the three words: ‘Mary has died’.
When the editor saw that the Cavan man was so tight to only use three words he relented and told him that he could have another three words for free. So the Cavan man went for:
‘Mary has died. Hay for Sale.’
In keeping with the Cavan theme…
Paddy from Cavan goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, “How much do you charge for the hour?” “EUR100,” she replies. So he asks, “Okay do you do it Cavan style?” She says “No!”
He then asks her, “I’ll pay you EUR200 to do it Cavan style?” She again says no, not knowing what Cavan style was! So he then offers her EUR300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, “I’ll give you EUR500 to go Cavan style with me!”
Finally she agrees thinking, “Well I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now, I’ve been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo’s from every corner of the world. How bad could Cavan style be?”
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “That was fantastic.I’ve never enjoyed it so much. >But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ‘Cavan style’ come in?”
Paddy replies . . . “I’ll pay you next week”
What’s better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
I was depressed last night so I called The Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I
could drive a truck.
Paddy Cork Man, Paddy Dublin Man and Paddy Cavan Man were friends with Ireland’s richest tycoon. When he died he left all his riches to the three Paddys on one condition, that they would put €100 in his coffin each. On the day of the funeral Paddy Cork man went up and placed five €20 notes in his breast pocket, Paddy Dublin man went up and placed two €50 notes in his trouser pocket while Paddy Cavan man went up and placed a cheque in the dead mans hand.
What the fuck is that supposed to be?
Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life
Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer.
Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden’s death.
Sandals in the Bin.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Having heard the worlds most hated man was killed over the weekend Rangers FC released a statement to say their thoughts were with the family of El Hadj Diouf at this difficult time.
Two old ladies in a bingo hall. 1st old lady “Did you come on the bus?” 2nd old lady “Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack”.
Saw a fat bird carrying a laptop earlier. It was a Dell.
One for Thraw: I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:
“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”
To which I replied:
“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”
What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.
What’s the difference between JLS and blackcurrants?
The letters r, r and a.
a scottish bloke decides he is going to get married & wear a kilt at the wedding
His mate goes “what’s the tartan”
scottish bloke says “I assume she will just be wearing white”