Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.
BOOOOOOM!
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I was mountain climbing and got frostbite in my foot. I had to have the top of my foot amputated. And then my girlfriend dumped me.
Apparently she’s lactose intolerant.
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Quality but I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t have got that joke if I heard it on the radio.
Try it with a Scottish accent. You might get it then…
What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel Douglas.
What do you call a man in a bush? Russell.
It’s the way he tells 'em.
I was just thinking about the ceiling there. I’m not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world but it’s up there.
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My friend got a new dog but he only responds to commands in Spanish.
He’s espanyol.
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I took the shell off my racing snail there to see if it would make him go faster.
Did it work?
Not at all. If anything it made him more sluggish.
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Brilliant
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Thread of the year 
I remember the days when you could go into the shop with a one pound note and come out with a couple of bags of crisps, a chocolate bar and a magazine.
Nowadays… There’s cctv everywhere.
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lolzers
On this morning’s show AA Roadwatch warned motorists in the Clones area of a missing manhole cover which had left a big hole in the road. Gardai and Council had been notified. Marty asked were they looking in to it. It went over the AA Roadwatch girl’s head which made it even better.
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An elderly couple went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told them that physically they were in good shape but their forgetfulness was just down to old age. He advised them to write things down to help them remember. That night the husband asked his wife if she wanted anything in the kitchen. She asked for strawberries and ice cream with whipped cream on top. She advised that he write it down in case he forgot. He grunted and ignored the advice and duly arrived back with bacon and eggs. The wife asked him where her toast was.
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I just got fired from my job compiling calendars. It’s so unfair. I only took a few days off!
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That’s a cracker!
He had a few for the theatre festival today.
My friend the set designer just got fired. He didn’t make a scene.
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