What a guy 
Noel Gallagher, promoting his new solo album, sat down with UK magazine The Shortlist this week.
He was in good form.
Youāve said recently that youāre apprehensive about performing live as a solo artist. Why is that?
āI know I can do it ā Iām just anxious about what people will expect. Itās inevitably going to be compared to Oasis and I donāt mind that, but Oasis had two frontmen, me and Liam, and now thereās just one. And Iām not really a frontman ā Iām a backing vocalist. At Oasis gigs, I would sing one in every six songs ā to give Liamās voice a rest, the poor flower ā and that was always a nice change. I just hope people are prepared for me singing for an hour and a half. But Iām trying to get it out of everyoneās heads that I left the band to āgo soloā. Thatās not my preferred explanation for why Iām doing this.ā
What is your preferred explanation?
āIāve got fck all better to do. Seriously, I donāt see it as a career. Iāve never wanted to be a solo artist ā Iād still rather be in a band. But you canāt start another band after youāve been in Oasis. Whatās the point? Itās just fcking ludicrous. Iām doing this because Iām a songwriter and I make records. Iām not going out there to prove anything to anybody.ā
Liam told ShortList that when people hear your new material, āthereāll be one thing missing ā meā. How do you respond to that?
āIf I was playing live and singing RockāNāRoll Star and Some Might Say, then people would be thinking, āThereās something missing.ā But Iām not ā Iām only singing the songs Iām famous for singing. And if people do miss Liam, Iāll bring a little cardboard cut-out of him ā a tiny, dwarf-sized one ā put a spotlight on it and go, āThere he is. Remember him?ā
So an Oasis reunion is still the furthest thing from your mind right now?
āLiam has said heād never do it, so I donāt need to add anything more to that.ā
Have you been working on honing your āfrontmanā skills?
āWell, Iām rooted to the spot because I play guitar. So I wonāt be busting any moves on the mic [laughs]. And I hate audience participation in any form. I cringe when I see these bands doing all that āEverybody over here get your hands up!ā sht. Fck off. Iām not arsed where I am or even why you lot [the audience] are here. Iāve made a record, youāve come to see me play it live. The end. Now buy a T-shirt on the way out and fck off.ā
Did you get other bands trying to recruit you after Oasis split? There were rumours that Kasabian asked you to joinā¦
āNo, thatās nonsense, and I wouldāve joined that band in a heartbeat, by the way. But they never asked. I never really got calls off anyone. I never had Bono phoning me, saying, āIāve always thought The Edge could do with some back-up.ā [Laughs] So, if youāre reading this and youāre in a band that sells in excess of 15 to 20 million albums and you need a rhythm guitarist, thenā¦ [Coughs and points to himself]. I do interviews, the odd photoshoot, Iām a good laugh and I run a tight tour bus. There you go [laughs].ā
Have you seen Beady Eye perform live yet?
āIāve seen them on telly. I couldnāt walk into one of their gigs, though, could I? Iād just get fcking hassled.ā
Do you feel that youāve got more freedom to experiment now youāre on your own?
I donāt know. I mean, Iām not one for hearing a Trojan Records 7in and suddenly thinking, āRight, itās reggae time.ā I make music that comes from my soul. Iām not like Damon Albarn, who can seemingly turn his hand to any fcking thing he wants to. I have certain parameters.
Youāre not planning a gangsta rap reinvention any time, then?
[Laughs] Well, you never know. Iāve always thought there was a bit of gangsta sht to my music, and what better time to go gangsta than when youāre 44 years old? [Laughs] I could give Dizzee Rascal a run for his fcking money.
You mentioned Damon Albarn ā have you seen him since the days of your Britpop feud?
Funnily enough, when I was out last night, I bumped into him. I literally havenāt seen the guy for 15 fcking years and I bump into him in some club. We both went, āHey! Fcking hell!ā and then he said, āCome on, letās go for a beer.ā So, weāre sitting there, having a beer, just going, āWhat the fck was all that about 15 years ago? That was mental.ā Then he said, āIt was a great time, though,ā and I was like, āYeah, it was a fcking good laugh.ā It was cool, man.
So, there was no animosity between you? Youāve exchanged some harsh words over the yearsā¦
Look, like I said to him last night, you can say that you respect someone as an artist a thousand times and it will never get reported. But you call someone a cnt onceā¦ you know? And it still rings true today. I lose count of the number of times Iāve had to say about Jay-Z, āLook, hang on a minute hereā¦ā and it never gets fcking printed. But I donāt mind. I can live with that.
Whatās your wildest memory of those early years of fame?
Ewan McGregor was my neighbour, right, and he came round my house the night he got the part of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I just happened to have two of those lightsaber toys, so I said, āCome on ā in the back garden.ā And we had a fcking lightsaber fight. His first Jedi training session was with yours truly in my back garden at eight in the morning.
Thatās brilliant. But we were expecting an answer about drugs and booze, rather than lightsabersā¦
āOh, I can give you those anecdotes as well. But to me, having all those actors and fashion people round my house, hoofing up mountains of gearā¦ I never took it seriously. I just thought, āThis is a fcking ball.ā I remember one night round mine, mountains of drugs everywhere, and a bloke came round to deliver a load of pizzas. We kept him there for hours [laughs]. We were like, āCome on, one more drink!ā He had the fcking greatest night ever. I thoroughly enjoyed those days, but then, one day in 1998, I said, āEverybody out.ā And that was it. It was a moment of clarity. You canāt keep having the same fcking conversation in your kitchen about the Pyramids and David Icke and all that sht. Imagine if I was 44and still turning up here like fcking Pete Doherty. I wouldnāt have much respect for myself.ā
As a Manchester City fan, are you enjoying the antics of Mario Balotelli?
āI absolutely love him. Football needs players like him because most footballers are basically squares, and heās not. Heās got something about him. Heās a total fcking rockānāroller. His hairdo is unbelievable. I love him and if I ever meet him, Iāll kiss him. On the fcking face.ā
Did you give Russell Brand some stick when West Ham got relegated last season?
āOf course. Iām good at kicking a man when heās down [laughs]. Iām constantly on the phone to Russell, saying, āWeāre away at Chelsea today. Who are you playing? Oh, yeah, thatās right ā fcking Newport.ā
Youāve just started getting the Tube in London ā do you get hassled by fans?
āI see the odd cameraphone coming out. And I always get this: āExcuse me, mate, are you Liam Gallagher?ā Fckās sake. Sometimes, even when they ask me, I say no, and theyāre like, āYou donāt half look like him.ā For all you budding famous people out there, the key is to keep a straight face. āAre you Noel Gallagher, mate?ā āNope.ā āAre you sure?ā āYep.ā
Do you ever get people pleading with you to reform Oasis?
āI get people who say, āYou should really make up with your brother.ā I go, āWhyās that?ā āFor your motherās sake.ā What the fckās it got to do with her? You donāt know Liam, you donāt know me, so fck off.ā
Liamās got his Pretty Green clothing line ā do you have any non-musical projects in the pipeline?
āNo, because I really enjoy my spare time. And Iāve got three kids. I canāt be coming off tour after two years and then leaving again a week later, saying, āIāve got to go to Sri Lanka to source material for some socks Iām designing.ā Thereās football to watch. Iāve got my first ever pet ā a cat. Iāve got to get to know this cat.ā
Whatās the cat called?
āWell, I didnāt name him. Letās get that straight. My four-year-old named him Boots. Not after the chemist, obviously. Although, if heād named him Superdrug, that wouldāve been fcking brilliant. Anyway, I donāt know why heās called Boots and I didnāt think Iād like him, but I fcking love this cat. I fcking love him. I keep telling him, āI fcking love you.ā
You famously visited 10 Downing Street in the Nineties. What are your thoughts on the coalition?
āThis lot now ā Labour, Conservatives, Lib Dems ā theyāre all the same, all full of sht. Theyāve got nothing to offer any more. Particularly with this financial crisis that they oversaw and wonāt do anything about. I wasnāt even going to vote in the last election, but I looked down the list [of candidates] and there was a guy standing for The Pirate Party. His manifesto was, āEveryone should dress like a pirate,ā and I thought, āYou know what? The world would be a better fcking place if everyone dressed like a pirate.ā Because, really, is there anything cooler than a pirate? Keith Richards is one and thatāll fcking do me.ā
You recently turned down the opportunity to be an X Factor judge. Was there any part of you that was a little bit tempted?
āIf theyād asked me to do one show, I might have done it. Just so I could put everybody through ā every midget, dwarf, obese fckwit, the lot ā to the next round. āYouāve all got the fcking X Factor!ā [Laughs] But they wanted me for the full series, and I was like, āYou mean Iād have them coming round my house?ā No way. Iād have people crying on my couch while Iām telling them, [adopts serious, sombre voice] āItās been the toughest decision Iāve ever had to make ā the Knebworth set list was nothing on this ā butā¦ [dramatic pause] Youāre in my final four! Now, go and my mow my lawn, you fat cnt.ā [Laughs]ā
How did Simon Cowell try to sell the role to you?
āHe called me up personally and said, āWe need an alpha male.ā But I just told him, āYou do not want me on that fcking show, mate.ā Simonās all right, you know. I tell people that and theyāre horrified, but itās true. If the music business was full of people like him, it would be a better place because heās real ā heās not a bullshtter. Heās not pretending heās going home every night listening to The White Stripes. I know people in the music business who are pretending to do that, and itās like, āYouāre into fcking Hall & Oates. Fck off.ā
Your 11-year-old daughter must have been mortified that you turned down Cowellās offerā¦
āOh, she went ballistic. āWhy wonāt you do it, Dad? Why?ā We were watching it the other night, and some fcking idiot was on, crying and that, and I said, āSheās sht.ā My daughter said, āWell, if you were on the panel, you couldāve told her that, couldnāt you? But no. Too cool for The X Factor, arenāt you, Dad?ā [Laughs] I was like, āArenāt you supposed to be in fcking bed?ā
How do you think Gary Barlowās doing?
āHeās all right. Iāve met him a few times, and heās a good lad. And it is a good show. Anyone who says they donāt watch it is a bullshtter. I know for a fact that Paul Weller watches it.ā
He told you that?
āWeāve never spoken about it, but his daughter told my daughter that he watches it with her. Thatās fcking interesting, isnāt it? The āModfatherā sitting around watching The X Factor. Itās an endearing image, that [laughs].ā
Are you a fan of Lady Gaga?
āIāve had her album on round my house. My 11-year-old daughterās bang into her, but itās not for me, is it? A bird dressed in a suit made of meat? Iām 44 ā Iām not supposed to get that. Iām sure sheās not beavering away in a Manhattan loft right now, thinking, āIāve got to fcking turn these 44-year-old dads on to some crazy sht.ā Iāve got nothing against her, though. Sheās not as good as Madonna, but then not many people are.ā
Have you had any similar offers from other TV shows? You havenāt been asked on Iām A Celebrityā¦ or anything?
āIf I have, it hasnāt got back to me. But if I was a washed-up celebrity and I needed Ā£60k in a hurry, Iād fcking do it. I wouldnāt be shy about it ā Iād say, āIām here because Iām fcking skint.ā Luckily for me, Iām not skint. But if Oasis hadnāt been as successful ā if we were the equivalent of Razorlight, or someone ā Iād do it in a fcking heartbeat. If you can make Ā£60k by hanging out in a jungle, why not?ā
Well, youād probably have to eat a kangarooās penis at some pointā¦
āThatās all right. Weāve all had a kangarooās cck in our mouth. Weāve all been to that after-show party [laughs].ā
Finally, did you apply for any 2012 Olympics tickets?
āNo, my friends at adidas will sort me out. I wouldnāt mind taking the kids to the opening ceremony. That will be spectacular. Other than that, the 100m final could be good. Usain Bolt will smash it.ā
Boltās a big Manchester United fan, of courseā¦
āYeah. Well, thereās a little bit of c*nt in everyone, I suppose [laughs].ā
And it looks like a City win here.