Rules of s**ting in work

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the* *WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING – When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY – The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a* *FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE – A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK – When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH – The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the* *WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME – Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the* *COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER – A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) – A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS – A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR – Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH – A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an* *ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE – A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON – A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET – A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED – A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Post edited by: Flano, at: 2007/08/01 10:34

Re:Rules of s**ting work

The many varieties of craps

The Perfect Dump – Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ‘‘DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?’’ you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You’re done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say ‘‘Where are the curtains?’’ Then what would you say? The rug?..too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ‘‘empty roll dumper’’ must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Back-Splash Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump – Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump – This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ‘‘Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.’’ You realize you’ll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Machine Gun Dump – You’re just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about damn Commies.

The Sound Effect Dump – You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump – You have enough on your mind when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to do this… hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump – For the most part you’ve completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump – You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You’d better, because if you don’t, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump – You feel so bad that you don’t know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again…up down up down. Don’t you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump – Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, It’s like taking a shit in an upright coffin. It’s claustrophobic and it smells bad… best advice… go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump – In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it – you run out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump – No matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump – You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world’s record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that’s going so badly, you say Lord, if I live through this, I’ll take up religion. You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth… you forget the pain quickly.

The Tijuana Trot Dump – The phrase ‘‘Shit Happens’’ really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy

Re:Rules of s**ting work

This thread is shit!

Re:Rules of s**ting work

Ask me arse!

Re:Rules of s**ting work

I asked your arse and nothing but shit came out of it!

Re:Rules of s**ting work

That stinks

Re:Rules of s**ting work

Why do company’s that we work for use bloody awful toilet roll, my arse is in bits over my poo this afternoon!

Re:Rules of s**ting work

You have toilet paper in work!!!

Paddy Power spent the budget for toilet paper on giving water to the punters in Galway.

Re:Rules of s**ting work

Flano wrote:

You have toilet paper in work!!!

Paddy Power spent the budget for toilet paper on giving water to the punters in Galway.

Do you know someone who works in Paddy Power Flano?

Re:Rules of s**ting work

Yeah. I know Paddy Power.

We should add to these rules;

Only poo in work, that way you save 100s on toilet paper,
Only Shit on work time, never do it on a designated break period, no matter how bad you have to go
And the golden rule, spend as long as possible on the toilet to avoid the curse of employement!

Post edited by: BenShermin, at: 2007/08/03 14:02

Designated break period. Thats a funny concept.

I had myself a nice Encore Dump today.

Bumped for Clarkey after his recent bowel trouble.

Bad oul dose this morning. I was in there for ages.

if you take a shit in work and make a serious mess of the bowl and or seat ( if you are in the crouch position with no contact to the seat due to not wanting to get someone elses urine on your legs ) when the shit is blasted out, do any of you as a courtesy clean the bowl with the toilet brush if you know a punter is outside waiting to use said cubicle or do you just leave him suck it up?
I understand this should be in the toilet etiquette thread but its also relevenat here

This thread made me wanna shit, so i did. And it was gooooodddd.

Thanks Flano. :clap:

Question, what’s the average shite time of tfk members? I could 30-45 mins on the throne quite happily provided the literature was adequate. Sorry for the invasion of personal privacy in advance.

P.S Can i copy & paste the shit out of the opening 2 posts? Award winning material :clap:

[quote=“mickee321, post: 35926”]if you take a shit in work and make a serious mess of the bowl and or seat ( if you are in the crouch position with no contact to the seat due to not wanting to get someone elses urine on your legs ) when the shit is blasted out, do any of you as a courtesy clean the bowl with the toilet brush if you know a punter is outside waiting to use said cubicle or do you just leave him suck it up?
I understand this should be in the toilet etiquette thread but its also relevenat here[/quote]

You wait him out and clean nothing. Muahahaha

We certainly do have hang ups about this sort of thing compared to some on the continent- The germans have no shame about their antics in public jacks and just let rip.

@Mickee- I usually wreck the bowl and have no problem cleaning it- I’d be afraid it would start a trend and have other fuckers doing the same for me to walk in on, or it would lead to a witch hunt to see who the bowl destroyer is.

I’ve just started to bake one too with all this talk.

Nothing worse than walking into the jacks and its destroyed. I work for a small company so we have only the one mens jacks so theres no option to go anywhere else. You walk out then and if you don’t clean it after whatever sick fuck was in there before, you could get the blame.