Terrible Joke Thread


#1

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


#2

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot


#3

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.


#4

I was at a wedding the other day & the priest was dressed in a gorilla costume.
It was a blessing in disguise.

I was cutting carrots with the Grim reaper last night.
I was dicing with death

my neighbours dog minton keeps robbing stuff from my garden - he keeps robbing shuttlecocks
to stop him we say to him bad minton, bad minton


#5

[quote=“north county corncrake”]I was at a wedding the other day & the priest was dressed in a gorilla costume.
It was a blessing in disguise.

I was cutting carrots with the Grim reaper last night.
I was dicing with death

my neighbours dog minton keeps robbing stuff from my garden - he keeps robbing shuttlecocks
to stop him we say to him bad minton, bad minton[/QUOTE]

That’s the kind of shite hacks like Tommy Cooper used to come out with…


#6

cheers


#7

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t

You get down from a duck.


#8

Whats green and jumps around the outback?
Skippy the cooking apple.


#9

Why did the cow fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead


#10

Whats this?

a dead one of these*

  • works better/worse if you can see my hands

#11

If two is company and three is a crowd, what’s four and five?

Nine


#12

Sailor 1: “Captain, there are 2 enemy ships approaching our starboard side”
Captain: “Very well, fetch me my purple Captain’s jacket”
Sailor 2: “Captain, there are over 100 enemy ships approaching our port side”
Captain: “Very well, fetch me my brown trousers”

Told to me by my boss today.


#13

i went into mcdonalds in haiti last week and ordered a large shake… oops

why did the girl fall off the swing: cos she had no arms

why did the girl fall off the bike: cos someone threw a fridge at her

and finally: some german jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says, “Why are you wearing a suit?” The black man says, “I just got back from a funeral”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
“Would you like an ice pack?”

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity.

What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, “No. No, I don’t.”

A man called a lawyer and asked, “How much will you charge me to answer three questions?”
The lawyer said “$400.”
“Wow,” said the man. “Isn’t that a lot?”
“I guess so,” said the lawyer. “When are you going to ask your questions?”

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’ he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.’ The man says “I’m sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all.”

What’s sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
“Cool” thought the mental health worker- “those feathers will make for excellent trout flies”. He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. “God, I love this job”, he muttered to no one in particular.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he’ll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgivable mistake.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll ya have, Pope? But the Pope’s grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn’t know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house?
No.
Well, it’s really nice.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells “God damn!” as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god’s name in vein and says “Don’t say ‘God damn’ say ‘God help us’”.
The kid says, “I am an atheist, get away from me”.

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.


#14

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones. People in Abu Dhabi do.


#15

[quote=“braz83”]What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones. People in Abu Dhabi do.[/QUOTE]

That joke is too good to be in this thread.


#16

Knock knock…


#17

Three for a cocktail party.

They have to be told as three jokes in a row.

  1. Q. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
    A. The ultra-sound guy.

  2. Q. Why did the scarecrow get the Nobel Prize?
    A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

3 Q. What’s worse than your sister having her period?
A. Tasting it off your da’s cock.

Thank you very much, Goodnight.


#18

I was in the office of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

There’s outrage over the price of hearing aids going up. All around the country people deaf people are going “how much?”.

One arm butlers they can take it but they cant dish it out

When it comes to cosmetic surgery a lot of people turn their noses up

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said Television for Sale 1- Volume Stuck On Full. I thought: I cant turn that down.

So I went to the record shop and I said What have you got by The Doors? He said: A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!


#19

:clap:

I laughed at that.


#20

[quote=“Monkey Allen”]I was in the office of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

There’s outrage over the price of hearing aids going up. All around the country people deaf people are going “how much?”.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – 1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”[/QUOTE]

All far too good for this thread.