I hope that you find the continued strength to battle through this.
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Hope it improves soon, you never know, this guy in London may have a totally different approach. There maybe a positive there.
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I love you bro. I admire you. Your writing. Your clarity. Your righteous indignation and your sheer doggedness and refusal to back down. You’re obviously very intelligent. And a fucker.
And sometimes you annoy the shit out of me. Because of your righteous indignation and your sheer doggedness and refusal to back down.
The ability to educate and amuse and infuriate simultaneously is a rarity.
We’d all miss you too much and this place would be so much poorer for your loss. Please send your writings to a heap of media/websites / gaa lads trying to make waves in media. There are glorious partnerships and a future there for a man of your talent if you make the right connections, im sure of it.
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Exactly. All the top guys are over there.
I wish you well @Cheasty When you are alive there is always hope that things will get better.
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There’s a counselling technique of getting the patient to close their eyes and go to their inner self to try determine the age that inner self is… You’ve done it perfectly here.and your detailed posting on here over the years about events from your childhood make so much more sense now after reading that post.
The eye might only be the catalyst but the issue is far deeper.
It reads like the 10 year old you put barriers up to protect yourself a long time ago and the child remains in charge. While the following reads very gay - If you can reach that child and talk to him, reassure him, tell him he’s ok , that he’s loved, that he’s Safe and tell him he can go now that you don’t need him to protect you any more… Then you might actually start to slowly start living again. It seems like your real trauma is from years ago… If you can tackle this you can free yourself from the anguish also and potentially find happiness again.
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Eamon Dunphy was on Nighthawks in 1988 and Shay Healy put it to him that he was always getting into arguments. Dunphy countered that life is a buzz, it’s great and he is passionate about things.
Now, it is clear from your posting that you are passionate about things and enjoy the cut and thrust of argument and life in general. You might not feel that way at this time, but ending things would not give you any ‘buzz’.
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In one of the e-mails back and forth one of the admin people there talked about deliberately re-detaching the retina and trying to put it back in a better place. I presume the retina guy won’t have that attitude, but he must have experience of doing that with some patients. It simultaneously scared me and excited me a little.
I’ve been warned by a very eminent retina surgeon in this country who practices at the Eye and Ear in Dublin not to go searching for people who will do further surgery but at this stage I couldn’t give a fuck as I’m extremely unhappy (obviously) with my current situation and have a sort of nihilistic attitude.
Go for it you definitely have nothing to lose, with the way your mind is currently any possible option is better than the alternative that is torturing you.
It’s worth trying everything, and I mean everything, before giving up completely. Just think of times you’ve felt alive in the last few years, watching Dublin lift Sam, watching Liverpool, having a right laugh over a pint. There’s days like that ahead, and better, it just doesn’t seem that way now but there are. But you’re in a dark place, it sucks, all you want is to be out of it, but suicide is not the way as its just the end of everything. But you need a pick me up. I’d recommend doing the following
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Download the waking up app from Sam Harris, they give free subscriptions if you just write to them afaik, also cheap ones, it’s a meditation app but goes into way more detail.
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Try psychedelics. Can be a mild dose up to a full trip. Can completely change your mindset.
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A random jaunt somewhere good in europe with a soccer game, sunshine, good food and a strip club just to give you a boost. Name the place and game and I’m sure someone here can set up the funding and we’ll all contribute.
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By far the biggest trauma I had when I was a child was that when I was 9 and a half I got home from primary school one afternoon and suddenly realised I was in love with the girl who sat next to me in the class who lived five doors down from me and I got very embarrassed about this, especially when she asked me why I was always looking at her, and the boys in the class started taunting me about being up a tree k i s s i n g with her. So I demanded to be moved away from sitting beside her and was mean to her. This continued on up to the end of sixth class even though by this stage she was doing stuff like giving me her schoolbag to bring home and drop down to her later because she she had to leave school early to go the dentist and spun a yarn that she couldn’t bring her bag with her, and then I never talked to her again after primary school because I hung around with a different group on the street and we went to secondary schools in different areas, but any time I’d pass her or see her on the street I’d go crazy inside. Then she moved away. And there’s rarely a day I don’t think about her, even if only for a few seconds. 
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Would you consider taking a heap of LSD. I’m not even joking. Works for some people and there’s even some scientific literature around it. It is limited though because it’s difficult to do it legally.
It sounds like you are at a point where you’ve nothing to lose by trying it though
Given what happened Nick Cave’s son I’d be inclined not to.
Give it a Google there. There is lots of info available. Could be mushrooms either. Or MDMA
If I wasn’t a junkie, I’d be doing ecstasy on the regular. Flood the brain with serotonin. My brain doesn’t produce it to a sufficient level naturally. First time I took ecstacy, I ended up taking 15. However, that sort of reaction is uncommon. Nothing wrong with it recreationally. LSD is definitely fun, but not sure if it’d be one to use on a solo mission.
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Focus on this date mate. Take care. The world needs a Sid! I could look it up, but the FA Cup semi finalists in 1995 - it was Everton v Spurs at Elland Road, the Daniel Amacachi game, who did Utd beat and where? Palace at Villa Park? When Keano stamped on Southgate?
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My pal.is back in Galway Sid. Coffee Monday?
There’s a place in west Cork that does it … I’m not sure what the exact substance is but it’s a therapeutic retreat that helps people deal with depression and trauma
Those are the types of anecdotes and superb writing style that make you unique on any forum I’ve ever read.
You are a professional writer in waiting, it’s clear to everybody,
You could write a memoir/social, cultural and sporting history of your lifetime that I would buy in a heartbeat, it would be a best seller I’m convinced of it.
I wish I had the contacts to make it happen, start with a weekly column etc.
Fuckit mate, stay with us
Did you ever find her on socials?
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Zamnesia have a great range of shrooms
From very trippy to ones more like e