We are blessed to have a poster like @Alphakrul1 with us.
You could right a book I’d say.
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I wouldn’t inflict that on the world. Ego needs to go down, instead of up.
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You have shared some incredible life experiences already
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How about we create a joint effort between himself and @Corksfinedtboy .
Corky can be recounting kneecapping junkies and dealers, while the next chapter is @Alphakrul1 describing running a sex shop while off his head on coke.
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Hi ye feckers ,never kneecapped anyone
Fr Philp Mulhern,ex united and NI now a Dominican for several yrs said the exact same last year on a course he was leading ref ego,
We have to let it go etc
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Or an undisputed loon😊
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I went for a walk this evening and almost collapsed with the panic. I was at the roundabout at the back of the hospital, walking like a drunk but I’m completely sober and haven’t had a drop for weeks. I was seeing squiggly lamp posts and distorted double vision everywhere. I get these appalling shivers of panic, there’s no energy in my body, wherever I am constantly crave to be in a foetal position in my bed and when I am in a foetal position in my bed, that’s shit too. I’m constantly tired and get headaches easily. I have a headache now.
I’m not joking when I say this thing ends your life and any wish you have to live a life, you just want out. I’ll never recover, I know that. There is no recovery from this. You feel totally mutilated in a way that humiliates you viciously inside. I’d rather have lost both my legs. My brain cannot suppress the vision from my bad eye and the brain goes haywire. Patching isn’t an option, it’s horrible. I want to gouge the eye out. I want to be dead. It’s like living with one nostril constantly blocked, except it’s your eye and your brain that are blocked, and you are constantly gasping for them to unblock, and they never, ever unblock. I was told soon after my surgery that “there will come a day when you won’t notice the double vision”. Yeah well it’s nearly two years and that day hasn’t come.
I got tickets for Oasis but I can’t see myself being around for it, I don’t want to be. I don’t even know why I bought them, probably just to feel some sort of purpose for half an hour. That quickly evaporated.
The truth is life is pointless if your brain is blocked like this, if you have a constantly ticking time bomb in your head in the shape of horrific visual scarring just waiting to pounce.
I did briefly think about throwing myself off the ramp at the top of the Cusack Stand before the Dublin v Galway game at the end of June, but the drop looked too scary and I didn’t want to kill anybody by landing on top of them. Sunday March 10th was my last suicide attempt, which was the day after an eye appointment. I have an appointment with a guy in London on October 3rd because I’m desperate. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to even make that and if I do I know it will go badly, because every appointment I attend goes badly. I imagine another suicide attempt won’t be far behind and I hope to God the next one is successful. A few seconds of pain for an eternity of relief? Seems a good deal to me.
Do it, do it, do it.
Fuck everything.
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You won’t get to experience the relief though pal
Tough station I don’t know what to say aside from mind yourself
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That’s the relief. Not experiencing anything. Or that’s what you think anyway when you feel there’s no other escape.
Obviously I wrote the above to try and shake myself into not wanting to be dead.
Some people may have noticed that I’m constantly updating the AFL thread this year. I do this because it’s a mental retreat into a foetal position of carefree Saturday mornings in 1989 and 1990 when I used to watch children’s television and then Trans World Sport and Aussie Rules on Channel 4 on Saturday mornings. A time when life held rich possibility and everything was before me. How did I fuck everything up so badly? I constantly watch Aussie Rules content online. I always have live matches playing in the background on my laptop. I watch videos of old matches from the 80s and 90s when I can’t sleep at 3am or 4am. Imagining I’m 10 and it’s a Saturday morning in 1990. Total retreat into an alternative world in opposition to grim reality.
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Don’t do it. Ah I dunno, it’s probably not appropriate for me to “like” your post when you’re expressing such anguish but it’s just to acknowledge that you’re not on your own tonight (cc Damo Dempsey) & people here are rooting for you.
What you’re going through is clearly terrible & this is an extreme example of life being fucking tough but keep at it if you can. I won’t give you the glib platitudes about how things will get better when we don’t know if they will, but please give it a chance for another while yet. At least until the draw for next year’s Tailteann Cup is made?
Seriously though, I’m no expert but I know from my experience that mental health can be fragile. You’ve taken a huge hit & the impact is still reverberating but there’s stuff to embrace & look forward to. The All Ireland Senior Hurling Final on Sunday & the football to follow in another 2 weeks, for example…
Actually listen to In The Modern World from the new Fontaines DC album around 15 times in a row & take it from there.
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Ah Jesus I was desperately hoping you were over the worst of your troubles @Cheasty im really sorry.
…what you are going through is horrendous and nobody would take your problems … I hope acknowledging that point helps
You’d miss the sport and the facts and the nuances in every corner of it though…your brain is still engaging with that
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I’m watching old WWE for this exact reason.
Hold tough buddy. We’ll both have a pint and argue over US politics at the other end of this
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Chronic impairment is amongst the toughest crosses to bear. I admire and envy those that have the mindbeans to find purpose in something, despite the struggle.
Wishing you strength, peace and clarity…if only for moments.
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The sun will rise again for you Sid. I know it will. Dig in if u can find it within urself at all.
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