I contacted Pieta House and the Samaritans last week, I just talked to the person on the other end of the line for 15 minutes or so. But I did not feel I got a huge amount out of it. The woman on the line with Pieta House said there was a separate line to arrange therapy but I didn’t follow it up. I have therapy through the NCBI tomorrow. A psychologist from the NCBI rang me on Thursday evening and he sounded worried about me but I told him I was not an immediate suicide risk. I genuinely do not know what sort of a suicide risk I am but I think the risk is not zero, it might be 5%. The problem is when I talk to people I make it seem as if I’m struggling but OK when that isn’t really the case at all. And I don’t know what sort of a risk I might be to others if I lose control. My brother made a comment to me last night which destroyed me, he is sick of me. This led to me running at the car. I love him but he is a cold fish with little empathy and he was that way when my father was dying too.
I know you are right when you say there is light at the end of the tunnel - there has to be something better than this - but I don’t know how to see it now.
@Cheasty try simplify things for yourself -
Step away from the anger and see that if valium is giving your head space then take the meds.
I was exactly like you, very conflicted and hung up on the stigma and fear of dependency. You will come off meds in time, under correct supervision, with proper counselling, if you want to. Take the meds and live in the now. You can only deal with today.
90% plus of a promise on getting better is fabulous news, take it and again, this isnt a race. There is no target to be achieved except looking after yourself today.
Smoking is a distraction. I do it myself. Smoke to your hearts content if it helps you get through this trough. Try not to catastrophise.
Dont expect to find the right counselor right away…its a human relationship and it might take a few attempts. Even if you’re an atheist you might hit on the right priest, nun or druid.
(I’m still up for it btw)
I ploughed through the double vision and read this article a couple of hours ago. There may be a confirmation bias aspect to me seeking out something like this.
I have a somewhat addictive personality which is why I am worried about taking them. The addictive personality is currently showing itself in the way I am torturing myself with the wonky vision and looking for information on the internet, which is torturing me. I managed to spend Saturday internet free from about lunchtime on and felt much calmer by the evening but then even without looking at the internet I had another freak out on Sunday morning. I’m still under the late effects of the last valium tablet I took at about 7 this morning so am calm enough now.
Oh I will be honest, I was at the GP last Tuesday and was completely honest and talked to him for nearly an hour but I did it in a calm fashion which might have made it seem like I wasn’t that bad.
It was a member of staff who said 90-95% she’s an orthoptist.
I feel there is a mismatch between the language used by medical people in terms of the success of the operation and the perception of success of the patient.
I am certain I had a serious macula off detachment becasue I lost 70%-75% of vision in the eye. Time from becoming aware of acute symptoms (blindness) to surgery was 37 hours.
Nobody ever talks about the metamorphopsia - the warped, wobbly, crumpled vision, it seems to me it is one of the most under discussed things in the medical literature, but it has devastating effects. It is usually only discussed in the context of old age macular degeneration where it tends to affect certain spots in the vision but it’s affecting my whole left eye field of vision.
It’s a long time since I had 20/20 vision I’ve needed glasses since 2010 and in truth probably needed them before that. I think my prescription is/was mild enough though my latest one the good eye is -1.75 which is short sighted, in 2018 which was my previous prescription I passed the legal driving limit just.
I think I will need Fulvio levels of staying power for this.
I’m getting an OCT test done in half an hour even if it’s just to check out my good eye I think it’s something I need to do and it will get me out of the house at least.
Take the medication and go back on the fags. You’re talking which is good @Cheasty , keep doing that. The only way is up chief, keep at it, one step at a time. You got this!
@Cheasty take the help that’s available. I’m sure there are better days ahead.
I’d a student last year in a serious funk (not the first one). Depression, panic attacks, the works. His work had fallen off a cliff. A nice lad who I could talk away to about football. Said he couldn’t say anything to his family, but I encouraged him to take the supports (counselling etc). As I said to him, what would you do if your knee was fucked after a football match? You’d get the correct treatment as @fenwaypark also put it.
Wishing you the best on your journey. There’ll be dark days ahead for sure, but I really hope you pull through.
My brother-in-law was here for the little fellas first birthday… He and his wife held on till the others had all departed and opened up that he very recently had a break down similar to what you described… I could tell when he came in that he looked sedated.
He essentially burned himself out and snapped… I only highlight it to say it’s completely normal and people go through it all the time. Like @fenwaypark said, the brain in a muscle, you need to heal it.
However, while everyone here has the best of intentions they are offering rational advice… Youre clearly experiencing things from a different perspective currently and that’s what the rational mind cant grasp… But your doctors have no reason to lie to you. You need to believe them and follow the process.
You have a lot to offer the world but you need to give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally.
Try to eat right, exercise a little if you can. Listen to some good music. Switch off the problems of the world for a while and surround yourself with positivity and family if you can. I get that’s the rational me offering easy advice but things will get better, just take it step by step. Good look with your counselling session.
Would you rather be depressed or take the tablets that stop it. Depression seems pretty fucking shit. I’d take the meds if it was me. You can beat dependency, you need help with depression
I’m going to hold off on the medication at least for tonight. The reason I’m going to do this is because I just had a second opinion eye test done at the optician. My eye pressure is high. It was measured twice by two different people. The first measure was 33. The second measure, about 25 minutes later, was 25.
I should have checked this with my consultant beforehand but high intraocular pressure is apparently a known side effect of anti-depressants. Though lay man’s logic would say that the high anxiety I’ve been having for the last 2.5 weeks or so might not have helped.
The second opinion said my macula looked good and that he could see “no evidence” that the macula had detached. I had a “temporal peripheral retinal tear”, whatever that means. Previously my consultant said “it’s hard to say” when I asked him whether it was macula on or macula off. But 70-75% of my vision disappeared. So none of this makes sense.
My visual acuity is good, and this makes sense to me. But there is a difference between visual acuity and what you actually see. That difference is distortion. I also have a thing called an epiretinal membrane, though I was already aware of this. The second opinion says that’s the cause of the distortion. I will need further opinions on this and will be ringing my consultant tomorrow.
I feel better than I did earlier because I feel I have a purpose tomorrow.
Listen pal, I don’t have any advice, if you trust your doctors I think you should listen to them and proceed accordingly, it’s all you can do really
But I do wish you the very best in this difficult journey, I’d pray for you if I was the praying kind, you’re very important to this silly little community and I have no doubt that there’s people in the real world who have your back, take all the help you can get
Good luck
