Unfortunately the truth is that I’m not back on any horse and have spent the last three hours saying that I want to kill myself. And the truth is I do want to kill myself - or I want to be dead - as I cannot countenance a life with this sort of distorted vision where you are tortured every waking second. I feel angry and bitter as hell that my life has been ruined. I feel cheated out of life. And I have little doubt I will kill myself at some point. None of the anti-depressants I’ve taken have made any difference, it’s all bollocks.
Sincere apologies if you’ve already addressed this. Do you have one eye in perfect working order?
Yes. The bad eye has a strong image however and plays havoc with my overall vision. The problem with the bad eye is I see squiggly lines where there should be straight ones, slanting, vertical compression, text looks completely crumpled and I have double vision. There has been no noticeable improvement in any of these symptoms over the last three months and I have come to the firm conclusion that any hope of real improvement is bollocks. The trauma of it all, the debilitating nature of living with it and the worry about the future (I have a potential problem with my good eye now - I had to be brought out of the psychiatric ward to go to the emergency eye clinic to get it seen to), it’s too much.
Cheasty I think this might have been said to you before but think of the consequences for the driver of the train if you are contemplating doing that again.
If your vision was to go completely in your ‘bad eye’ but your ‘good eye’ remained in perfect working order you can surely continue to go about your day to day life relying on the one eye? This is something you can adapt to?
In a way it would nearly be easier if that happened but I don’t want it to happen because nobody wants to completely lose the sight in an eye. But the sight I have in the operated eye and thus my overall vision is crap because of the distortion and it’s driving me up the wall. The trauma of the whole thing makes me feel like I’ve been raped, that’s the only way I can put it. I blame myself and am confronted with what I see as the consequences of my own inaction every waking second. An episode of crying and shrieking is never far away. I was crying and shrieking for most the last 20 minutes there now. I need my good eyesight like I need oxygen. The grief is overpowering me and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it unless there’s a miracle. The way I see now is it that I have a choice between i) a life of misery and ii) death, and the latter currently seems more attractive. I want to live but only on my terms, and if I can’t have those terms, fuck it.
Probably a stupid question Sid, but could you wear an eye patch and just rely on the good eye?
What’s the follow on plan after you come sid? Is there more support than you had before you went in?
Wipe up with a bit of toilet roll?
Seriously though the plan was to get me to attend a place called the day hospital which is also called Lá Nua in Ballybane, preferably by the end of this week. But my phone was lost on me probably by the Gardai so my primary point of contact is gone. I think they tried to ring my Mam earlier but she missed the call.
Not comfortable. Have occluded one lens of my glasses with tape on occasions but not fond of doing it.
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Tragedy befalls us in all guises. A friend of mine lost his sight in one eye through a farm accident. A decent hurler, he’s managed to go about his life and play a bit of ball still. Nothing ever has to be the end. I hope you find a way past these thoughts.
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My cousin lost the sight in one eye years ago,tbf to him he has just got on with it.Maybe it would be easier to cope with if it was just gone but Sid still has some sight and hopes it will come back,my cousin had no choice the chainsaw is a cruel mistress.
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A parishioner of ours - a father of a former hero and grandfather of a budding star - lost his head about 30 years ago with a hedge-trimming operation. The yoke was attached to the PTO and got embroiled in a mix of bushes and barbed wire and stopped….
The intrepid Pakie dismounted and with a mixture of vice-grips and nail-bar freed the blockage but was ball-watching at the wrong time.
Scalder Scollan said at the time that he knew he’d fucked up when he spotted his error from 20 yds away……
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What in the name of god have i just read? Am i to assume that packie’s head was severed by a hedge cutter, thereby enabling him to observe his own (headless) body from a distance of twenty yards?
This is too much.
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It looked that way but Pakie may(not) have witnessed it. Horrific….
Pakie was a decent oul’ divil who deserved to see old age but alas……
Tremenjus scenes about half past six this morning.
I was having the following dream:
I am on a bus from Galway to Dublin. The bus uses back roads. It stops at Allenwood, County Kildare and the passengers are invited to use the loo. I get out and go for a pee at the side of the road but walk on towards Dublin. The bus passes me with my rucksack on board, I have left it on the bus. I then walk that long straight road between Allenwood and Clane back to Dublin which takes me 15 hours and I never get the rucksack back.
At the end of this dream I pushed left in my bed towards the wall, but there is no wall, and I fall out of my bed and smash the screen of my laptop computer, which is lying on the ground beside it. I only had the laptop there because I like to listen to a podcast to make me doze off at night, and I don’t have a phone because the Gardai lost it on me.
The butterfly effect in action. If I hadn’t got a detached retina I wouldn’t be suicidal and wouldn’t have had the Gardai lost my phone on me and wouldn’t have had the laptop on the ground to fall out of bed and smash. FML.
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Can we perhaps blame this on Johnny Doyle?
Split (personality) season.
When did you last follow up with the guards about your phone?
I would not be surprised if it’s turned up.