The Joe Brolly tells porkies thread

Sport
3447

It was a fairly harmless joke mate. I’d let it go

The 3:15 part of the story is definitely wrong, whatever about anything else. You’d be well out for the warm up by then

3448

nor I , cant see much that O’Shea does out of the way on the pitch anyway

3449

I loved the bit about stretching with Joe’s umbrella in the bar.

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The klaxon sounded

3451

For an hour. :eyes::laughing::laughing:

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Joe is highly entertaining. One could spend many an hour trying to separate the invented stuff from the real stuff in his wonderfully crafted writing.

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Usually the first bit is made up. This is the entire article. Trouble is, there is so much bollox in there, that you presume his caricature of MDMA is grossly inaccurate, including his good works, and D1 yoga conglomerate.

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The yoga is pure dangerous. The lads would be able to stick hatchets in each others heads from all angles


3455

They could stick one in their own back

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Mdma’s Gah for mas was a huge hit. He should patent it and tour the country.

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André’s giant shadow documents how easy it is to manipulate masses

independent.ie | January 31, 2021 02:30 AM

Expand Close Andre the Giant / Facebook Twitter Email Whatsapp Andre the Giant

Suddenly, a generation of young people are realising that the best way to make money is not to create, or make, or contribute to society, but to do what the banks, internet giants, corporate lawyers and the city are doing, more or less unregulated: Move money around, the only difference being that when the banks and funds fail, governments bail them out.

The great pity of modern society is that our best and brightest minds are being hoovered up into a system where they spend their days working out how to get people to click on ads, or lay a bet online, or sell bad mortgage porfolios, or buy back their own company’s shares with government tax breaks. Who wants to be a nurse or a teacher when you can make $200,000 a year doing nothing useful? The Reddit story merely illustrates the extent to which the system is broken, from regulation to taxation.

No games again this week, but you should watch André the Giant, a HBO documentary you can find on Sky documentaries. André was the wrestler who tranformed the genre, helping to create the WWE dynasty.

Born in Molien in France, by the time he was 15, he was, according to his brother Jacques, “performing the work of three men”. Billed as ‘The 8th Wonder of the World’, he was 7’ 4" tall and weighed almost 500lbs. Shortly after he arrived in the US, a promoter in Chicago called his manager and enquired about putting him top of the bill at an event. “What’s his stage name?” “GĂ©ant FerrĂ©,” said his manager. “I can’t call a wrestler a giant fairy,” said the promoter. In that moment, his name was changed to AndrĂ© the Giant and a legend was born.

Arnie Schwarzenegger - eyes glowing (which is how everyone talks about this extraordinary man) - tells the story of inviting AndrĂ© to dinner after an event. “I said to him I’m paying.” He looked at me and said, “I pay.” I said, “AndrĂ© I invited, I pay. He picked me up, lifted me above his head, placed me on a piece of furniture and said I pay . . . He paid.”

I did not know there is such a thing as a wrestling historian, but David Shoemaker, who is one, described AndrĂ© as “the greatest drinker that ever lived.”

Better than the Bomber Liston? As it turns out, AndrĂ© could drink what the Bomber drank then drink the Bomber himself. With his size 24 shoes and gigantic hands, a beer was like an egg cup in his hand. The wrestler Ric Flair says, laughing, “Brother, I was with him one night and he drank 106 beers. Yeah (shakes his head in wonder at the memory), 106 beers brother.” Pat Patterson, another WWE Hall of Famer, tells the story of them drinking together during a tour. “When it was time for bed, we get close to the elevator and AndrĂ© drops on the floor and goes asleep. Manager of the hotel comes over and says what can we do? I said call Triple A.” Hulk Hogan chimes in, “I was there. Next morning, we came down for breakfast and there he was, still fast asleep on the lobby floor.”

A number of the contributors describe his vast flatulence. Hogan says it was “like a deep roar rumbling through the room for 30 seconds.” Beloved by the other wrestlers, he was allergic to one of his colleagues, a showy, baby-oiled competitor called John Stud. After a bout one evening when AndrĂ© (right) had beaten him up badly, WWE CEO Vince McMahon says that Stud “came flying past me saying ‘he’s going to kill me I need to get out of here’,” before esacaping from the venue half dressed, AndrĂ© roaring “Baby Oil. Where is Baby Oil?”

Airplane toilets were too small for him. The flight attendants had to draw a curtain around him and give him a chamber pot. When he was finished, a crew member would take it away and empty it. Once he broke his ankle and had to go to the doctor. The doctor, Harris Yett, says, “As he came through the door the room temporarily darkened. I never felt anything like it.”

He played the role of Sasquatch in The Six Million Dollar Man. He was cast in the Disney movie The Princess Bride as the giant. Director Rob Reiner said “he auditioned for the part and I didn’t understand a word he said, but he was perfect.” He used to keep Robin Wright (Buttercup) warm during filming in the forest by cupping her head in one hand. She said it was like an enormous hot water bottle covering her head.

Reiner said: “At 9 in the morning, he started drinking beaujolais. He drank 20 bottles of wine. He couldn’t fit on the horse. We had to lower him onto it on invisible guide wires, a 500lb drunken giant shouting ‘hello’ at everyone. Everybody loved him.”

The truth is that he drank because he was in constant chronic pain due to his accelerating acromegaly. By the time he was 30, his body and co-ordination were degenerating and he did not have long to live. He still had time to launch WWE with Vince McMahon. Hogan said of his fight with AndrĂ© at Wrestlemania 3 for the world title (there were 93,000 people in the stadium), “when I was introduced, the sound was so loud my jaws watered like I was starving and smelled food.”

Watching the scenes at Wrestlemania, it is striking to see how easy it is to manipulate the masses into believing anything so long as it is cast as a simple good versus evil formula. Now, we see these same techniques being used for the destructive work of unleashing the forces of darkness into American politics and civic life.

The parts of the documentary dealing with his surrogate family and his daughter are unbearably poignant. As the end nears, it is impossible not to feel heartbroken. His body is still growing but his organs are not. He grows and grows until he dies. It is a story Oscar Wilde could have written.

As the documentary ends, his old friend and sidekick Tim White weeps, big tears running down his face. I defy you to watch this film and not to laugh, cheer, shout out loud and shed a tear at the extraordinary adventures of this gentle giant, who could lift Arnie one handed and drink Bomber Liston under the table.

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3458

That’s a great article.

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I got very angry reading Joe’s article today. Some kildare no mark had the audacity to complain about the treatment kildare fans were subjected to during their visit to ballinascreen in the 93/94 league season.
The no mark in question made the innocuous observation that a fellow kildare tramp “tackled” gary coleman. Before describing the ‘tackle’ I’ll say that the magherafelt postman was and is a proper gentleman both on and off the field.
What happened during the match was as follows. Coleman was standing on the pitch. The fifth from kildare approached him from behind and raked his studs down the back of Coleman’s leg, causing a number of deep lashes which required internal and external stitching.
The lying no mark from kildare made some whining noises about wing mirrors and tea. The fact is that none of them deserved to escape unscathed.
To the no-mark and his low born companion, “a plague on both your houses” (cc. @iron_mike)

3460

Post it up there, pal.

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Previous courts were told he may have travelled to Northern Ireland because he feared he was going to be attacked as part of a deadly drugs feud.

But his assassination had already been commissioned three weeks earlier at a meeting in a Sligo hotel attended by an international drugs dealer, it has been alleged.

Neither Holland nor 45-year-old co-defendant Patrick Teer, of Thornberry Hill in Belfast, are accused of being the gunman.

Instead, they have been charged as part of a joint enterprise to murder, based on their alleged involvement in events surrounding the shooting.

As Holland sought temporary release from custody, a defence barrister described the case against him as “a masterpiece of circumstantial vagueness”.

Barrister Joe Brolly told the court his client was at a relative’s home on the day of the murder.

According to counsel the victim was brought to the location of the shooting by a man who is part of a well-known crime gang in the Republic.

“He drove Mr Lawlor to the scene. Mr Lawlor was assassinated as he got out of (his) car,” the barrister contended.

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Brolly with a piece mentioning the huns today if anyone can oblige?

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BBC Northern Ireland’s newsreader Jo Scott introduced the jubilant tidings on Newsline last Sunday night with the words: “Well, supporters of Glasgow Rangers came out onto the Shankill Road in Belfast tonight to mark their team winning the league title in Scotland. Rangers became the Scottish premier league champions for the first time in 10 years after Celtic drew with Dundee United today. (Big smile) Here’s Stephen Watson.”

Cue huge crowds roaring and waving flares on the Shankill, blocking the road and singing songs. The songs that were being chanted all over social media footage, including ‘We are, We are, We are the Billy Boys, We’re up to our knees in Fenian blood surrender or you’ll die, for we are the Billy Billy Boys’, were not used on the BBC’s clips, but sure it was all a bit of harmless fun anyway.

To be fair, and in the interest of ‘balance’ there was one brief mention of a thing called Covid-19 (“some fans flouted the guidelines to celebrate the success”) but only a Roman Catholic bigot would object to the celebrations. The presenter gushed: “It was a 55th domestic league title for Rangers, a world record. It’s been a remarkable journey by the Glasgow football club,” etc etc.

Gary came on, a local Rangers supporter. “I don’t think any other club in the world could have come through what Rangers came through and live to survive, and indeed go right back to the top of Scottish football.” I thought there only were two teams in Scotland. As Billy Connolly said once, “I was an adult before I realised that they were not called Hamilton Academicals Nil.”

The piece ended with the words, “The celebrations by Rangers supporters will be long.” Before handing back to the presenter who smiled again and that was that.

There were of course, no arrests. It would be churlish indeed if the PSNI were to spoil the party because of a few thousand bad apples. Indeed, the only surprise was that they didn’t join in, throwing their hats in the air and letting off a flare or two to celebrate the defeat of those pesky fenians.

PSNI Superintendent Nigel Henry said the next day that “officers received reports of a street party and flares and fireworks being set off on the Shankill Road, as well as fireworks in the Ballysillan Road area.” Which he said was “disappointing”.

Nigel, I have a question. On a scale of one to 10, how disappointed are you? As disappointed as you were when your officers arrested Mark Sykes last month for a breach of Covid advice as he laid flowers along with four other relatives to commemorate the 29th anniversary of the Seán Graham Massacre? A video taken by a neighbour shows Mark holding flowers as the PSNI cuff and arrest him. Mark’s brother-in-law Peter Magee was one of five people murdered in the 1992 massacre. Peter was only
18-years-old. Mark himself was shot seven times and miraculously survived. He still has a bullet lodged beside his heart that was too dangerous to remove. But hey. He was breaching Covid advice and the PSNI take that very seriously. As Sykes said after his release last month, “I am the only person ever arrested in relation to the Seán Graham massacre.”

Also, Nigel, I like the “officers received reports” bit, as if this was happening covertly in some boy’s back yard, rather than a Belfast city centre street thronged in the manner of the Bull Run at Pamplona.

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon called the scenes in Belfast “infuriating and disgraceful.” Meanwhile, Northern Ireland’s First Minister Arlene Foster said in Stormont on Monday: “Deeply concerned about the images from yesterday. Covid-19 is no respecter of victories. Other events are being responsible. Sport and health will be the losers. The authorities need to address this. Serious questions arising from the footage.”

Only joking. In fact, that is what Mrs Foster said about the 50 or so Dungannon Clarkes supporters who invaded the pitch after they won the Tyrone Roman Catholic Garlic Association Football Championship last September.

What Mrs Foster actually said about the thousands crowding the streets of the Shankill was: “Unfortunately we have seen yesterday in parts of Belfast, people who were rightly jubilant about Rangers’ success in the Scottish Premiership and I send them my absolute good wishes it’s wonderful to see Steven Gerrard and our own Steven Davis at the top.” Before turning to the Fenian benches, giving them the middle finger and shouting “Up yours Motherf*****s.” Well, she didn’t do that, but you get my drift.

As comedian Tommy Tiernan put it in the course of the Tommy, Hector and Laurita podcast last week, “A stately blind eye is turned.”

I have no problem with Rangers winning the league. They won by a wide margin, so they must be a good team and fully deserve their success. Their many fans in the North are genuinely delighted and I am glad they are experiencing that joy. We have had little enough to celebrate here over the past while and it was a very important moment for supporters who have had a most uncertain journey with their club over the last decade.

But you get my point here. It has always been a dispiriting business being a Northerner and nothing has changed. It is a deeply dysfunctional, non-viable entity, triumphalist, institutionally racist, sectarian, homophobic and almost completely segregated. Brexit is an unfolding disaster for us but that middle finger to the Fenians was worth it.

A few weeks ago, senior DUP MP Gregory Campbell casually made racist remarks about the number of black people on the BBC’s Gospel Singer of the Year. He tweeted that the number of black people on the show was the BBC “at its Black Lives Matter worst.”

He said: “The singers were all very good but can you imagine an all white jury and presented by a white person? No, I can’t either.” Naturally, he refused to apologise, saying, “Why would I apologise for saying something that is correct and accurate? No, I do not apologise.”

The point is that it wouldn’t occur to him to apologise and it wouldn’t occur to anyone else in his party that he ought to.

Things are not going to change, so a united Ireland is the only viable solution. After we get our Covid vaccines, of course.

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All out tonight

3465

Which one of them is the comedy slot?

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Joe has Biden behind him, the race for the Aras starts here.

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