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You’ve reached your nirvana. Dad jokes about dad jokes
There was a knock on the door earlier, so I answered it. There was a policeman standing there and he said “Sorry to tell you sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a bus”.
I said “well yeah, but she’s got a great personality”.
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Got a handyman in recently and left him a list of things to do. When I got back he had ticked numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7 as being done. Rang him and he said I’d have to get someone else for the others as he only did odd jobs.
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I. said: ‘Doctor, I keep getting these dizzy spells.’
He said: ‘Vertigo?’
I said: 'No, I only live up the road.’”
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A weasel walks in to a bar.
Says the barman ‘What can I get you?’
‘Pop’ goes the weasel.
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A man tells the doctor some mornings I wake up and think I’m a wigwam, other mornings I wake up and think I’m a teepee.
Doctor says you’re too tense
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Dustman: where’s your bin?
Homeowner: I’ve been away on holidays
Dustman: I said where’s your BIN?
Homeowner: I told you I’ve been away on holiday!
Dustman: no where’s your wheelie bin?
Homeowner: well if you must know I’ve really been in prison.
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Man goes in to the wake of a youngish man who died suddenly. Man sits down and takes out his phone.
The widow of the recently deceased is very upset.
Man goes over to her and asks for the house wifi code.
The widow bursts into fresh tears and says “oh you horrible ignorant baldy cunt”
Man says “is that all lowercase?”
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Went into the pub, seen it was darts night.
I did a 180 and walked out…
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You what’s annoyin
An upside down 6
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I have 2 tickets for Man Utd vs Newcastle at Old Trafford tomorrow night if anyone wants them. Decent seats, and both in the shallow end.
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