You donāt have to be asked twice Iād say.
Lawnmower ran out of petrol this evening. Threw in a bit of vodka to try and finish it. Now my garden is half cut
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Got stopped for speeding myself last weekā¦He said why was I in such a rushā¦??
I work in the hospital and Iām late I repliedā¦
What do you do in the hospital he asked??
Iām a rectum stretcher i replied.
What does that entail the guard asked smirking??
Well I start with one fingerā¦then twoā¦then a whole handā¦then two hands till I get it about 6 feet!!
And what the hell would you do with a 6 foot arsehole he replied laughing??
Youād give him a speed gun and stand him behind a bush i saidā¦
A good one but I saw the punchline coming.
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Probably a bit long for here also. Will do better the next time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiotās house
Knock knock
whoās there?
The chicken
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Q: Why do Swedish warships have QR codes on their sides?
A: So that they can Scandinavian.
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A pal of mine gave me an elephant for my room
āThanks.ā I said.
āDonāt mention itā he replied.
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I use to know how to throw a boomerang.
But itās not coming back to me now.
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Very good.
He should have quit while he was ahead.
It took me longer than it should have to get that.
I just saw former chess world champion Gary Kasparov in a local Italian restaurant.
I asked him to pass me the salt and pepper.
It took him 16 minutes.
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Why canāt you hear the Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silentā¦
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What do they serve for breakfast at Swiss Euthanasia clinics?
Cheerios.
Have you heard about the new Oasis soup?
You get a roll with it.
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A friend asked me if I had seen the film "Tractor.ā
"No,ā I replied, "but Iāve seen the trailer.ā
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