Tit Monday

#1

Ah, Tit Monday. It’s not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Luas, or sitting on the Dart, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months.

You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: “At last, Tit Monday!” And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world’s birds suddenly dive into last summer’s wardrobe (they’ve not had chance to buy this season’s stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road…

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they’re all standing outside the pub after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It’s like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It’s like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don’t fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

2 Likes
#2

Utter quality jugs.

Nervous times ahead for all. Imagine how kids would feel at Christmas if they didn’t know the date and woke every morning hoping against hope that there were presents under the tree.

#3

That is the best post I have seen on TFK. Tip of my perverted hat Jugs

#4

Is it always a monday Jugs? Or could an unseasonal warm spell midweek mean it occurs of a wednesday?

#5

“Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.”

#6

Ah cheers, my speed reading let me down there.

#7

Top class Jugs
I wonder will it coincide with the Grand Slam?

#8

That’s just beautiful.

#9

Does this not go around in an email every year?

#10

You don’t think a thicko like Jugs composed something so wonderful himself, do you?

#11

I don’t know, Jugs comes out with some classic posts, although I’ll admit they are usually more vicious and expletive filled than the above.

It just seemed that alot of people seemed to think it was an original post.

#12

[quote=“The Runt”]I don’t know, Jugs comes out with some classic posts, although I’ll admit they are usually more vicious and expletive filled than the above.

It just seemed that alot of people seemed to think it was an original post.[/quote]

i did, a good one regardless

#13

That’s definitely an email sent around every year.

Shocking form by Jugs not to acknowledge it and try and pass it off as his own.

#14

[quote=“farmerinthecity”]That’s definitely an email sent around every year.

Shocking form by Jugs not to acknowledge it and try and pass it off as his own.[/quote]

eh where did i claim it was my own work?

#15

Is this post your own work?

#16

You didn’t say it wasn’t.

#17

[this post contains original thoughts only]

So i should be prefacing every post with a comment on whether its contents are original or not?

#18

[quote=“Jugs”][this post contains original thoughts only]

So i should be prefacing every post with a comment on whether its contents are original or not?[/quote]

Well generally if your posting something like that it’s normal to put a line in at the start saying where it came from. You fraud.

#19

Apologies, that post was copied from a boards.ie thread on women’s skateboarding back in May 2004. I should’ve made that clear at the outset in order to satisfy farmer.

#20

Pure plagiarism and sitting back to take the plaudits then, I`m shocked and a little bit disappointed