Toilet Etiquette at Work


Do I remember a thread about this before?

  1. Taking a dump:
  • 3 cubicles, which do you go for?
  • If there are others dropping a log, are you comfortable to let loose and scud the jacks or do you wait until the hand dryer starts to commence bomb sequence?
  • Do you wipe the seat down?
  • Do you double flush if the need arises?
  • Do you warn a colleague that “you might want to give that a minute” if you’re after having an almighty dump, stinkin the place out of it, you’re the only one in the jacks, and when he comes in he heads to your cubical, thus implicating you in the stankfest in there?
  • Do you have the same respect for a colleague when you know he’s after leaving a jacks in tatters? Can you look him ever again without thinking about that mess?
  1. Taking a slash:
  • 3 urinals, which do you go for? Do you go for a cubical instead?
  • A colleague or a manager is taking a p1ss and engages you in conversation. Are you comfortable. Do you suffer from stage-fright?
  • You wear khaki slacks to work, are you conscience that you might leave a p1ss mark after taking a leak? Do you give it a couple of extra shakes just in case? Does the saying “any more than 3 is a wank” cross your mind when you are doing the extra shakes"

Important questions you must agree. AMR and other ladies on the site, take the urinal bit out for yourself…


There was a previous thread alright but it’s no harm to start afresh as toilet etiquette is constantly evolving. Some very interesting points have been raised though. I work in a 4-cubicle and 2 urinal environment where the 2 urinals are perilously close to each other and the sink.

For that reason I always go into the cubicle for a piss as it’s wrong to have some bloke almost shouldering into you as you’re going about your business.

When I’m going for a more prolonged toilet visit I have a strict routine. I always go to either cubicle 1 or 4 as I don’t want to be in the middle of a toxic fume filled shit sandwich. I flush the toilet upon entering (some rascal may have pissed previously and not flushed and you don’t want your poo deflecting a big splash of some randomers piss up onto your ass cheeks).

Then I cover the seat with tissues (two coatings) and begin the operation. I have no qualms about unloading some noise and sometimes I accelerate the process to get to the crescendo while I know somebody else is definitely present in one of the other cubicles. This is a kind of psychological warfare to let them know who their Daddy is - a little bit of intimidation if you will.

However, I prefer my intimidation to remain anonymous and I retain an element of mystery by never coming out of the cubicle to wash my hands until a time when I’m sure nobody else is there. I have the option of two routes back to my desk and one of them takes me around by the lifts and in a direction where I can stealthily avoid having anyone even notice me - hence my confidence in exploding without there being any potential consequences.

As regards chat at the urinals, this is never acceptable and I don’t like talk at the sink or hand-dryers either. That said I know of a very senior person in a company where one of my mates used to work who was taking a piss at the urinal and looked over and down at the lad beside him before exclaiming, ‘My goodness. What a frightfully big langer you have there.’


10/10 to both of ye!! I’ve tears running down my face, this is pure gold!!


Broke meself up laughing at this. Funny cos it’s true.


What Bandage is talking about here is called “Neptune’s Kiss”. Most unfortunate when you come across it and downright inconsiderate


I follow the following cubicle etiquette(in the case of a 4 cubicle scenario).

  1. If all are free use the one farthest from the door(i’ll call this Cubicle 1)
  2. If Cubicle 1 is occupied use the one closest to the door(Cubicle 4) thus giving you the greatest distance from Cubicle 1.
  3. If someone is in one of the middle ones (Cubicles 2 & 3) with none of the others occupied chose the one farthest from it.
  4. If Cubicle 1 and Cubicle 4 are occupied its a toss up, I’d personally go for Cubicle 2 as it’s further from the door than Cubicle 3.

Obviously sometimes there are extenuating circumstances such as a cubicle with crusted shit, piss on the floor etc. In these case others have not observed proper etiquette which impacts on your own ability to do so


I’ve two cubicles and a trough in my current place of employment. First complaint is that it’s nowhere near enough. I’ve a long commute to the jacks (maybe 50-60 metres) and it’s disheartening to walk all the way there and find both cubicles occupied. The walk back is ridiculous then because everyone knows where you’ve been and then you’re loathe to be seen to go again in 5 minutes. That said I hate waiting outside a cubicle for someone (I’d hate for it to be done to me) so I usually just walk back anyway and hold in what I can for a while.

I’ve recently changed cubicles from trap 1 to trap 2 and I’m quite proud of that fact. Trap 1 is the better toilet. It goes from green to red when you’re in there and both the door and lock are solid. It’s generally clean and better painted.

Trap 2 is a wee bit shabbier (couldn’t resist the pun) but it’s not derelict or anything. Main faults are around the lock - it’s a bit loose feeling, but it never ever breaks. It also doesn’t display correctly on the outside so it looks unoccupied when it’s occupied and vice-versa.

In my naivety I used to opt for Trap 1 all the time, it being the superior cubicle. It was only the other day that I got to thinking that surely everyone else is using the same rationale and Trap 2 would nearly be my own private cubicle. It’s definitely inferior but it’s not lacking in any of the essentials, merely the trappings and suits of fine lavatories. So I’m a Trap 2 man now and can’t see that changing anytime. The only thing was the other day I went in and there was a lad at the trough (and a guy holding it). I didn’t want him knowing my cunning plan so I headed straight into Trap 1.

In common with Bandage in no circumstances will I emerge from the cubicle with anyone else in the lobby or trough area. It’s never going to happen.


We have 4 cubicles and I don’t know how many urinals. Reason for not knowing is that I don’t use urinals - don’t like the idea of pissing on my trainers/shoes, and also don’t like the idea of the steam of my piss going on my hands - although I always wash my hands so that one might be a bit irrational.

Don’t really have a favourite cubicle at the moment but I usually find myself going for either 1 or 4 alright, as someone said it’s no fun being in the middle of two other lads who are about their business.

The flushers in our place are good strong things so double flushing is rarely necesasry, but I’ve no problem doing it when required. The time between flushes is easily spent texting away on the new o2 free text thing.


For the lads who use the cubicles instead of urinals: I presume ye stand up in the cubicles?

Due to poor toilet seat design I’ve taken to sitting down all the time at home and I have to say I find it comforting.


No I wouldn’t stand up at all, I’d sit down, take the opportunity to have a read / send a text whatever. I think in the 21st century it’s OK to admit you sit down while pissing. Plus the pissing on your trainers/shoes issue is still there whether you are standing in front of a urinal or a toilet bowl.



I always sit when at home or in work, going to the jacks when in work is a way of wasting away time so why stand when you can sit and at home I usually read one of the rag magazines. In a pub/nightclub standing is the only way because it’s valuable drinking time being wasted by sitting down.


Lads, what sort of aim do yez have if you’re worried about pissing on your shoes?!?


Don’t tell me you don’t have unravelling issues?!


Ah yeah, but sure when you’ve been pissing for 25 odd years you’re usually able to expect what what it will go!


first thing I always do anyway if I’m about to drop the cosbys off at the pool is check for toilet roll. Nothing worse than if you go for a dump and none there (Bandages story of Jugs on the train comes to mind).

Would have the smae mentality of most here anyway, and outside cubicle, and furthest away from any other users.

I remember there was one lad I used to work with in Dublin and he used to do some shitting. The groans and farts and splatters was ridiculous. Not a bit of shame on him! I was in a cubicle one day and heard someone coming into the toilets, knew it was him as soon as the door closed. i hurridly let the rest of mine out and then heard someone else come in. Heard him give a sickening moan coz of the smell and he shouted, jesus Simon, shut up and close up, and the door slammed shut! I ran out of the place then as quick as I could.


Always expect the unexpected-25 years experience should have thought you that.


Always take a newspaper to the jacks when you’re there for the daily dump. It’s an excellent piece of office psychology. Firstly, you get the message out there that you might be a while and it becomes accepted that you take at least a half hhour out of your day. It also let’s people know that you’re not ashamed of your monster dumps, and a man who’s proud of his shit is never fooked with.

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It depends on my general mood but I often go in and sit down when taking a leak too. On my old Nokia phone there was this cool, little golf game and I’d sit there and actually play a full round of golf well after my business was done. All the holes were par 5 and plenty were good eagle chances but it only took about 15 minutes to complete the course. My record was something ridiculous like 24-under par but I’d sit there most days trying to beat it. I don’t bring a paper in with me as I don’t have the front to be as conspicuous as Juhniallio. On my new phone the games aren’t as good which came as a surprise as I thought they’d advance along with the technology so I usually browse the net when I’m in there. I have a glance of stuff like and catch up on current affairs stories as I save my desk browsing for sport primarily.


Churchill Value!

I can only use urinals when I’m pished, stage fright gets the better of me, besides I’m not a big fan of piss splashing off the stainless steel, it can’t be very sanitary!

As for taking a dump, it’s always the middle cubicle for me, when you think about it the majority of people use either the toilet closest to the front door or furthest away; most of you have just admitted that. This can only mean the middle cubicles are the cleanest, their bog roll supplies will also be plentiful!