A Typical GAA Junior B Line up…
Goalie - must have ‘great goalmouth presence’… which is secret code
for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the
40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he
played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got
his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the
Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.
Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the
jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry
and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional
baggage. Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday
morning.
Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene
Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like “yer man outta U2”. Will get a nose-bleed
if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and
yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese
and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward’s arses for days
on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team’s young
and absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get
anywhere near the senior team… and yet hasn’t missed a training
session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager’s way of
proving that he “doesn’t give a damn who you are, if you’re not down
training we’re not going to give you a game”.
Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior
manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he
does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn’t been junior training all
year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club.
About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and ‘take the
game to the opposition’… secret code for don’t pass it to anyone
unless your life is in serious danger.
Midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s
and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere
inside the opposition’s half. Well-liked character because he always
gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.
Midfielder - the full back’s older brother, who sports a rather strange
looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something.
Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself.
Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the
village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in
the pub in the town don’t know what to make of him “but he was an awful
annoying bollox in national school”.
Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full
back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother’s clearances…
ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something… by the way
that’s not A.I.
in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.
Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some
fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to
avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get
injured. Is basically the team’s only source of points.
Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn’t played football
since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again.
Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed
by his beer belly.
Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous
nickname like “Schillaci” or something.
Full forward - hasn’t scored since the end of the war but is captain of
the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his
complete inability to find the target is “he’s a good man to bust up the
play.” Doesn’t feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood…
not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the
opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play
the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no
effect on how the team plays whatsoever.
Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear
ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee
within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the
town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all
and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who
secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.