Have you ever soiled yourself as an adult?

anon78624367 · October 7, 2019, 8:54pm

I shit myself after a kebab in Sunny Beach, Bulgaria. It was so bad I had to throw out a pair of tackies I liked. I proceeded to shit and puke for the last few days of the holiday.

iron_mike · October 7, 2019, 8:55pm

Do you want a few colostomy bags to tide you over until it passes. PM me and I’ll get them to you ASAP

Tank · October 7, 2019, 8:55pm

Imodium cures all pal. The fastmelts are good for when you can’t hold down what you swallow. I basically never leave home without it. I have a pack in my briefcase at all times, in case I’m in an executive meeting with some top CEOs and I suddenly have to shit myself, which is considered very unprofessional.

Motilium is the “stop vomiting” version but they’re basically the exact same. I’m 100% serious that one of those tablets will fix you within 20 minutes, get some now.

caulifloweredneanderthal · October 7, 2019, 8:57pm

You haven’t lived if you haven’t got a dose of the scuts

I got an awful case back around 05. Couldn’t even take water for a few days without it coming straight back out. Food poisoning.

I feel your pain @bandage but I’d be staying away from the hot dogs going forward and having something more nutritious . It might help you get the elusive sub 25

Mac · October 7, 2019, 8:58pm

I cant be the only person wondering why you weren’t straight into a taxi home at about 4pm @Bandage

caulifloweredneanderthal · October 7, 2019, 8:58pm

Who’d want to be paying the soiling charges in a taxi? Better to go the public transport route and blame the smell on some down and out

anon78624367 · October 7, 2019, 8:58pm

Lads who do fuck all have a fucked up guilty conscience about taking time off

TreatyStones · October 7, 2019, 8:59pm

I’ve avoided the worst of a few stomach bugs that were going recently by using immodium. Serious tack.
First hint of an upset stomach, pop one of those delightful little minty flavoured instant melt tablets.

balbec · October 7, 2019, 9:00pm

You’d miss @thedancingbaby all the same.

anon78624367 · October 7, 2019, 9:00pm

In surprised you remembered it all in such vivid detail, pal.

caulifloweredneanderthal · October 7, 2019, 9:01pm

He’s a wonderful storyteller. Journalism’s loss is truly TFK’s gain

KinvarasPassion · October 7, 2019, 9:02pm

Not worth a fuck.

I had a skip full of whiskey in Lisdoonvarna a few weeks back and I woke in a bad way. I had to attend a memorial Mass for 12pm and after taking motilium all morning I was still puking green bile every 10 minutes at 11.30… I hit the emergency button around 11.45 and took a good long swig out of a bottle of Hennessey… I’d a few ropey moments in the car on the way but made my deadline.

Fagan_ODowd · October 7, 2019, 9:02pm

Bandage:

Oh my goodness.

My life partner got a bug and/or food poisoning over the weekend and was puking and shitting last night.

Thankfully I felt fine, which is the main thing, and I went to work as normal today. However, I felt a slight stomach cramp around 3pm and did a shite in the work bog the chap I recently mentioned on the toilet etiquette thread would have been proud of. I was back into the bathroom 3 more times between around 3.30 and 5, basically shitting out liquid while this sore stomach persisted and actually worsened.

I still had to get home via public transport and I was panicking. I basically tried to calm myself by saying there were a couple of pubs in pretend IRA territory I could nip into on my way up to Connolly Station, and even the rancid station toilets were a fall back option too. I tentatively set off around 5.25 and got to the station with only one alarm (a squeaky fart near George’s Dock luas stop which escaped out).

I was using the Irish Rail app to coordinate my platform arrival with the 17.45 northbound dart and I was successful. It was only a minute or two late and we got to Clontarf Road station without any further alarm. But I started sweating uncontrollably when the dart was stopped here and my face was soaked and there were drips on the back of my neck within seconds. Then the cramp in my stomach began to get severe and I genuinely thought I was going to shit myself on the dart.

I started to do all sorts of avoidance tricks such as humming songs and I’d seen on twitter earlier that Aaron Connolly became the 100th Irish player to score in the EPL when he scored on Saturday. So I started listing players in my head…Keane x2, Quinn, Walters, Holland, Ireland, what about lads from way back…Houghton, Irwin, Staunton…my fucking god I’m going to shit myself on a rush hour dart.

But we somehow got to Killester and I’d gotten onto the dart in Connolly at the carriage/place which I knew coincided with the Killester ramp. These are the decisions that only come with experience. I shuffled out and was pretty much at the head of the queue of people exiting the station. I still had a 4-5 minute walk to my house…back to recent players Duffy, Hendrick, Brady, Long.

There’s a little green area to cross near my house and I started to gently jog but I had to abandon that as something was loosening in my stomach/arse.

Then a strange peace came over me as I accepted my fate and thought it wouldn’t actually be so bad if I shat myself this close to home. It must be akin to someone who accepts their day of reckoning with god is coming. I almost floated to the front door and next thing I was weaving past my child, who was crawling in the hall, and shitting out what must have been about 6 litres of disgusting brown water in my downstairs toilet which was splashing back up on my hamstrings.

I’ve repeated that process a few times since and I also spent 20 minutes before 9pm violently puking into the toilet. We are putting it down to the hot dogs we had in St Anne’s Park on Saturday morning and this is the darker side of Parkrun that doesn’t get spoken about in public (cc @Spidey).

I got a ferocious dose one morning on my way in to the Mater for a venesection after a feed in former Howth Tex Mex Restaurant El Paso the night before. I got as far as Clontarf Garda Station when I realized I wouldn’t make it to the Mater. I had the sudden clarity of thought to realize that at 7.30 am the only facility that would be open and within the range I felt I had left to myself was Clontarf Castle. I executed a uturn successfully and made my peace.

Copper_pipe · October 7, 2019, 9:03pm

A lad I know loads up on Imodium in the days before a music festival. His reasons being that he won’t need to shit for the duration of the weekend…

iron_mike · October 7, 2019, 9:04pm

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Bandage · October 7, 2019, 9:05pm

You’re right. I’ll be going back to the fish finger sandwich guy, the pizza guy or the Belgian waffles guy from now on.

TheUlteriorMotive · October 7, 2019, 9:08pm

I got the shits driving to Connemara years ago. I had to stop every second town or so.

I remember bursting through the door of a pub in Oughterard, relaxing with the knowledge that I was about to be able to unleash only to discover as I entered the cubicle some cunt had destroyed the place with a nose bleed. It was like a scene from America Psycho cc @artfoley.

I was now In very big trouble and ran across the street to another pub toilet which mercifully was clean and available.

One of my recurring nightmares is getting the shits on a plane.

Tank · October 7, 2019, 9:09pm

It’s not a hangover cure.

The only time I ever got sick from a fancy restaurant was about 10 years ago when me and my family were in Edinburgh and we asked around for somewhere swanky. I had the mussels and I was puking fucking bad, non-stop until about 2 am. ( Fucking jocks couldn’t cook a fucking spud, stick to the sheep balls you cunts.) Anyway around 2am my father heroically went out into the Edinburgh night and returned with motilium. It cured me immediately.

Fagan_ODowd · October 7, 2019, 9:10pm

Eating mussels inland.

TreatyStones · October 7, 2019, 9:11pm

They say you should only eat mussels if the month has an “r” in it.