Some cracking toilet tales. Nearly been caught short a few times, once memorably with bulmers pear but somehow managed to survive. A poor acquaintance from an u12 soccer team trip to wales didnāt fare as well. He saw that club shandy had 0.3% alcohol in it and proceeded to buy and drink a heap of cans. One of his roomies came bursting down the hotel corridor declaring āthereās shit everywhereā. Our poor lad had shit all over floors, wall and even ceiling of the room and bathroom - he was white as a sheet the poor bastard as the two managers tried to clean up the mess.
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An awful amount of urban legends were born after the first batch of this was released
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Pure lax
Many years ago we were on a work trip and we went on the batter. We ended up smoking a few joints in the hotel with some whiskey and a colleague went larky suple. He shit himself and all over the floor of the room, which wasnt mine thankfully.
The following day we flew home through a v busy European airport. We didnāt say much about the previous nights events as he was a real nice fella and he was mortified. He was also of mixed race.
Of course of all our luggage they pulled his for a full search. He was frantic about it and we knew there was something up. They opened up his bags at the end of the conveyor and started going through them and the lady doing the search pulled her hand out of the bag and it was covered in poo. The misfortune had made a snap decision that bringing home his dirty laundry was a better bet than leaving it in his work booked room
He showed up for work the following Monday miraculously and continued his career. Always an example to me of it your a nice fella people will give you the bounce of the ball. The event was never again spoken of in pokite company
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Shit got real for that mo-fo.
YYYEEEEEEESSSS JOHNNY!!! Amber Turd is sentenced to deletion!
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I always have a good old chuckle at the touching cloth stories. The chuckle always has a hint of superiority. I have been in various states of stupor from all sorts of substances over the years but have never pissed or shit myself.
I had a particularly nasty stomach bug a few weeks ago which I logged (chuckle) in the apropriate thread. Dose of the trots followed by bouts of constipation which resulted in awful stomach cramps. My farts were absolutely rancid, so bad that I had to go into the lavvy to exhale.
About a week into it I was still no better and was getting tired of having to go the jacks just to fart. Mrs Hunt had to head down to the shop and I was in the kitchen when I felt the urge to fart and with Mrs Hunt absent I let rip ā¦ disaster.
My wife arrived back within 10 minutes and was amazed to see I had showered and put on a wash in the meantime. She even put the wash out for me. I asked did she find any loose change in the machine but luckily all was clear. My confidence was shattered for a few days but thankfully Iām fully recovered.
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Did it go up your back like a babyās storm of shite?
Giving that number 2 the magic number 10
Still think this is the gold standard on the thread. Gone off sausages 
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sorry gil, robins story shits all over smarks
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The Dunph really was a nawful godhelpus
I have a similar tale about a trip to Wales gone south. Maybe I posted here previously.
A few years back a load from the local went to the Ireland football game in Cardiff. Bus booked and ferry over. Pints flowing freely. Good night out had and back to the hotel at a reasonable hour. I want up fresh enough next morning and out strolling around. When I got back to the hotel a few of the lads were outside looking shook to the core and regaling us about events the night before in one of their rooms.
A lot of the trip were a bit younger and able for the pace better. The managed to get some other stuff over in Cardiff. And session ensued back in a room. Word went out and about 8 of them turned up. Word also went out to bring back some grub and more drink. So one of them comes back with a few pizzas. One of the pizzas was loaded with spices and jalapeƱos and god knows what else. No one could eat it. Except one hero. Wolfed the whole lot of it. About 30 mins later he took a turn. And made a bolt for the toilet. Didnāt even the the togs pulled down and he blows a gasket. Shit sprayed everywhere in the toilet except into the toilet. He hung himself over the bath and nearly clogged the thing. The stench in the room was vile. Lads said they could taste the smell it was so bad and they were all wretching. They had to all abandon ship and move to another room.
The guilty party was in gibblets at this stage and had to be helped shower and be hosed down. The smell was now in the hall and our aul lads in the room next door woke up in the depths of the morning due to it. One left the room at about 5am to go for a walk. The other fella moved to the floor to Kip. They thought the smell was coming up from the toilet in their room.
Anyway that smell lingered. A few of them and the guilty one made their way back to the room with faces covered and decides to try and clean up before house keeping arrived. The dirty bastards used the hotel towels to clean up and then when the laundry basket was passing me man fucked them into it and hid them under the other towels.
The room remained vacant the night of the game too as the stench just hung. They encouraged me to take a trip to their floor to witness it for myself but I declined.
The guilty party gets off relatively light imo. It only gets brought up on rare occasions and he is a harmless enough fella and able to take the āshit that goes with itā.
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An awful lot.
I heard of a fella who used to head out Sunday for a cure and then head home for dinner.
Anyway he went out of his usual cure of a rake of bulmers but decided to give the pear one a rattle. As the story goes after 8 of them he headed home for dinner. The wife dishes up the dinner for him and the kids and as he sat at the table (Sunday dinner) he decided he needed to fart and as he did he shit himself in front of the whole lot of them.
As you do.
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Wow, out for 8 pints on a Sunday, and the wife and kids left at home. Sounds like a proper cunt of fella.
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a lad I know owns a bar in a suburb in West Dublin.
Last year a group of women were in the bar at an office party. Drinking and generally high spirits. Middle aged women.
Near the end of the night one of the women has disappeared and it turns out sheās fallen asleep in a cubicle in the bathroom. Sheās had an accident and is covered in her own shit and vomit.
My man has to rescue her and the only way to do it is to climb over the wall and in on top of her. Slipping on her shit and vomit. He then has to carry her out and her friends try and clean her up. Eventually she is given a bin bag or two to wear. No taxi will take her and her husband arrives to take her home.
My man meanwhile is out the back of the pub stripped naked, clothes in the bin being hosed down by a barman.
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I donāt know how he does it
Oh Jaysus. My sympathy in descending order for the barman, the husband and the woman who must still be suffering from the fear after that
Drink does awful things to people
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I had a feed of Porter in Clonlara on Sunday night. First time in a good few months in doing so. Aside from a rough enough hour when I first woke yesterday I got away relatively unscathed with the hangover.
Or at least I thought til around 3pm today. My bowels have been evacuated in the hour every hour since, pretty much just high pressure brown water flowing out of me now.
Think I might have to send the wife to the shop to get me a golly bar to sit on to cool my sphincter here
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Golly Bars have been cancelled.
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