Asking for a friend: ‘My partner only showers every two days and initiates sex when he’s sweaty. It’s a total turn-off’
Dr Caroline WestSeptember 25 2021 02:30 AM
Q: I feel really embarrassed writing about this. I am on the verge of breaking up with my new partner but I don’t really know what to do. He is really nice, in so many ways, but the issue is his hygiene. Our sex life was good but I am used to partners who have taken better care of their hygiene. My new partner will come home from work all sweaty, as he has a manual job, and will often initiate sex, but his genitals will be also sweaty, and there is a smell. It turns me off and I make excuses but it keeps happening. I have tried to mention it but he changes the subject or just doesn’t take it seriously. From what I can tell, he showers about every second day, usually. If he was less active, I think that would probably be OK, but because he is on his feet all day, he often doesn’t smell very fresh. It’s starting to really bug me, and I’m not sure I want to carry on the relationship if he can’t even get the basics of personal care right. It’s been a few weeks now since we have had sex. Is this the end for us?
Dr West replies: I can sense your frustration coming through your letter as much as you can sense your partner’s body odour. This is a delicate subject, as personal hygiene is often a sensitive issue for people.
Some people get a little noseblind when it comes to their personal smell. He might not realise it is an issue, or it may be his acceptable level of hygiene. People do have very different levels of what is and is not acceptable when it comes to personal grooming and hygiene levels, hence many arguments in relationships over dusting and hoovering. These levels can also be impacted by depression, stress, or other health issues that make it difficult to look after ourselves.
End-of-day musk can be very attractive to some people. Our sweat can contain pheromones, which can work on our unconscious brain to attract potential mates. The post-sex afterglow can be enhanced by smell, which can also be a bonding experience as we are wrapped up in pheromones and endorphins, creating a positive association with each other. On an interesting side note, some researchers suggest that the menstrual cycle can impact a person’s preferences and tolerances for body odours, and we can find people more attractive at different stages of our cycles. As the pill can impact our menstrual cycle, it can also impact our taste in partners and how we respond to their smell. Regardless of whether this applies to you or not, it’s clearly an urgent issue.
This is not just an issue of preference though — if he is not cleaning himself properly, this can lead to issues such as inflammation and infection as bacteria builds up. That is not an enticing situation that you would be keen to get your mouth or genitals involved in. People don’t have to be squeaky clean and shower fresh every time you are intimate but basic standards are called for here. Most people don’t want to explore dirty genitals, and it is disrespectful to our partners to expect them to want to get down and dirty, literally.
This is a question of communication as well as hygiene. Hints work for some people but clearly they do not work for your partner. Leaving box sets of shower gel or offering to take baths together will only go so far and will not be as successful as an honest conversation.
I think it’s time to be blunt as you have tried to address this with little success. I wouldn’t advise to phrase it as an ultimatum per se, as this is also a choice for you to have to make. You have to decide what you will accept. If he refuses to clean up his act, then the decision is in your hands. Are you willing to hold your nose and get intimate, or is this a deal-breaker for you? This man is an adult and you are not responsible for ensuring his hygiene. If he is having a health issue, or has mobility issues which impact his ability to clean himself, he can ask for help, but if he is happy to maintain this level of hygiene, then that is his choice. Yours is to figure out if you want to spend your relationship tracking your partner’s shower schedule, not having sex as often as you would like, or under the conditions that you prefer. You do not need to do the emotional labour of spending your time on hygiene patrol.
If you state that you will have sex with him only if he is clean, you are clearly stating your boundaries and the circumstances under which you will consent to sex. A refusal from him to respect this reasonable request is a sign from him that he does not respect your comfort levels, your boundaries, or your consent. It’s not a huge ask for a partner to be clean, but it is a huge red flag if he disregards your needs, as well as his own health.
This is a new relationship, so it is wise to reflect on your future here before you get further invested in the relationship. You don’t have to settle for someone who does not respect your boundaries, or for someone who is willingly neglecting his personal care. Ask yourself if you see a future in the relationship if the hygiene issue is resolved. What positives exist in the relationship? Does he treat you well, or align with your values and goals? He has his levels of acceptable behaviour; what are yours? Shower issues aside, be honest with yourself about how the relationship is beyond your frustrations. Remove any sense of obligation to the relationship. You don’t owe this person anything. If you aren’t happy otherwise, you have some choices to make.
