@Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy nice letter
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Theres a spare room in my gaff
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Dear Roe, I’m a man in my early 50 who has been experiencing erectile difficulties for the past two years. I am terrified of this affecting my relationship with my wife who is in her mid-30s. Although I adore her, I find her incredibly intimidating, as she constantly makes it clear to me that she is deeply unhappy with our sex life and blames me for it. She has also at times mentioned this in passing in front of our friends which I have found extremely humiliating.
I have explored pharmaceutical options with mixed success, however I think my sexual performance is also inhibited by a sense of fear and pressure from the prospect of not satisfying my wife. Recently, I discovered a series of flirtatious messages on her phone with one of her work colleagues who is of similar age to her. I fear they may be having an affair and that ultimately my marriage may fall apart due to this. What should I do?
Let us be unequivocal about this: your erectile difficulties are not the problem here. The issues of power, communication, shame and betrayal in your relationship are the problem.
Many men experience erectile dysfunction, and a pervasive and often damaging trope is that it’s all in men’s heads, that this is a problem that can be solved with the right attitude and sexual prompt. Like many assumptions about sexuality and gender, this is rooted in toxic stereotypes about masculinity, and the idea that men should be mentally and physically ready and waiting for penetrative sex at any moment – which is ridiculous, damaging and unrealistic.
Many factors can lead to erectile dysfunction, including stress, mental health problems, emotional disconnect from your partner, and a wide array of health issues, so anyone experiencing erectile dysfunction should always feel comfortable speaking to their doctor and seeing if there are underlying issues to be addressed.
But it’s also important to acknowledge that erectile dysfunction is a natural and very common part of aging; the Massachusetts Male Aging Study (MMAS) found that 52 per cent of men between 40 and 70 years old reported having some form of erectile dysfunction, with roughly 50 per cent of men at 50 years old, 60 per cent of men at 60 years old and 70 per cent of men at 70 years old experiencing some erectile dysfunction. Thus, nearly all men who live long enough will likely experience erectile dysfunction – and yet, as you’re likely aware, there’s still such unnecessary embarrassment and silence around this common issue.
Your erectile dysfunction is not the problem. The lack of respect, trust, communication, equality and frankly, loving behaviour is the problem
The myths and shame that surround the issue of erectile dysfunction serve no one and hurt so many people in various ways – it causes insecurity, rifts in relationships, and prevents people from speaking about their experience and receiving support and/or treatment if desired and appropriate.
And as you are unfortunately experiencing in your relationship, the myths and shame can also be used as an excuse to belittle and dehumanise men, as your partner is doing to you. Let’s start by addressing your wife’s claims that “she is deeply unhappy with our sex life and blames me for it”. A constantly erect penis is not necessary for a fulfilling sex life, and many couples, heterosexual and not, have incredible, joyous, deeply satisfying sexual lives that are not centred on penile-vaginal penetration.
For your weekly reminder, up to 80 per cent of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and even if your wife does enjoy and prioritise penetrative sex, there are sex toys you can buy to fulfil that need. You can also both engage in digital stimulation, oral sex, mutual masturbation, you can use sex toys and experiment with role play and fantasies and any number of sexual activities that do not require you to be fully erect.
Unless you have completely sexually stone-walled your wife and have refused to even discuss any ways to improve your sex life, you are not to “blame”. If your shared sex life is unfulfilling, then a lack of respect, communication, imagination, curiosity, effort and enthusiasm is to blame – not your penis.
Then there is the issue of your wife degrading you by revealing intimate details of your sex life in public without your consent. This is inexcusable. I believe that everyone should have someone outside of their relationship who they can confide in about their sex life, for safety and advice and simply to have a disinterested perspective and confidante, but these conversations should be respectful and private. For your wife to publicly discuss an issue she knows you find humiliating is disrespectful and cruel.
Combined with the other words you use to describe how you feel in your relationship – “intimidating”, “fear” and “pressure”– this relationship dynamic feels unhealthy. It is completely understandable that you are not feeling comfortable, confident or safe during sexual interactions when this is how you experience your relationship generally, not to mention when you cannot trust that the details of your sexual performance will not be discussed publicly.
It is also understandable that you would feel generally insecure about your relationship given the circumstances – though reacting to feelings of insecurity and disrespect and mistrust by looking through your partner’s phone is rarely the best idea. Creating yet another violation of trust and invasion of privacy will not solve the existing problems, and while you have discovered a flirtation, you haven’t discovered proof of an actual affair and have just introduced more stress and mistrust and emotional distance in your relationship.
Your erectile dysfunction is not the problem. The lack of respect, trust, communication, equality and frankly, loving behaviour is the problem, and this is not sustainable.
It’s time to have some very clear conversations with your wife about respect, trust, and boundaries, and establishing whether you both want to try to work on this relationship, together – and only later, how to reignite your sex life.
But it is also worth carefully considering how your wife makes you feel, and whether this relationship is worth fighting for or if it’s time to walk away. I recommend getting an individual therapist so you can work through your feelings and the insecurities this relationship and your erectile issues are causing you, and a couples’ counsellor to help you open a respectful dialogue with your wife about how to either stay together, or leave each other, respectfully. Good luck.
You know your in trouble when the answer to your issue is three times the length of your initial letter.
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The wife is absolutely getting ridden to pieces by that work colleague I’m afraid
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Correct. Bulled like a young heifer. Hed be better off cutting his losses now
He’ll pay for two therapists, probably friends of Roe, before he finds out the Mrs is getting bucked by the colleague.
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If you wank yourself through the floods of tears long enough surrounded by the bellowing grunts and piercing shrieks of the plethora of material available in the cuckold category of any porn website, not only will you not have a problem Sir, you will be elated with gratitude.
‘My divorced brother is ‘living his best life’, and there are now local rumours about his behaviour’ (via @IrishTimes) ‘My divorced brother is ‘living his best life’, and there are now local rumours about his behaviour’
Welcome home @Tassotti.
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Asking for a friend: ‘My partner only showers every two days and initiates sex when he’s sweaty. It’s a total turn-off’
Dr Caroline WestSeptember 25 2021 02:30 AM
Q: I feel really embarrassed writing about this. I am on the verge of breaking up with my new partner but I don’t really know what to do. He is really nice, in so many ways, but the issue is his hygiene. Our sex life was good but I am used to partners who have taken better care of their hygiene. My new partner will come home from work all sweaty, as he has a manual job, and will often initiate sex, but his genitals will be also sweaty, and there is a smell. It turns me off and I make excuses but it keeps happening. I have tried to mention it but he changes the subject or just doesn’t take it seriously. From what I can tell, he showers about every second day, usually. If he was less active, I think that would probably be OK, but because he is on his feet all day, he often doesn’t smell very fresh. It’s starting to really bug me, and I’m not sure I want to carry on the relationship if he can’t even get the basics of personal care right. It’s been a few weeks now since we have had sex. Is this the end for us?
Dr West replies: I can sense your frustration coming through your letter as much as you can sense your partner’s body odour. This is a delicate subject, as personal hygiene is often a sensitive issue for people.
Some people get a little noseblind when it comes to their personal smell. He might not realise it is an issue, or it may be his acceptable level of hygiene. People do have very different levels of what is and is not acceptable when it comes to personal grooming and hygiene levels, hence many arguments in relationships over dusting and hoovering. These levels can also be impacted by depression, stress, or other health issues that make it difficult to look after ourselves.
End-of-day musk can be very attractive to some people. Our sweat can contain pheromones, which can work on our unconscious brain to attract potential mates. The post-sex afterglow can be enhanced by smell, which can also be a bonding experience as we are wrapped up in pheromones and endorphins, creating a positive association with each other. On an interesting side note, some researchers suggest that the menstrual cycle can impact a person’s preferences and tolerances for body odours, and we can find people more attractive at different stages of our cycles. As the pill can impact our menstrual cycle, it can also impact our taste in partners and how we respond to their smell. Regardless of whether this applies to you or not, it’s clearly an urgent issue.
This is not just an issue of preference though — if he is not cleaning himself properly, this can lead to issues such as inflammation and infection as bacteria builds up. That is not an enticing situation that you would be keen to get your mouth or genitals involved in. People don’t have to be squeaky clean and shower fresh every time you are intimate but basic standards are called for here. Most people don’t want to explore dirty genitals, and it is disrespectful to our partners to expect them to want to get down and dirty, literally.
This is a question of communication as well as hygiene. Hints work for some people but clearly they do not work for your partner. Leaving box sets of shower gel or offering to take baths together will only go so far and will not be as successful as an honest conversation.
I think it’s time to be blunt as you have tried to address this with little success. I wouldn’t advise to phrase it as an ultimatum per se, as this is also a choice for you to have to make. You have to decide what you will accept. If he refuses to clean up his act, then the decision is in your hands. Are you willing to hold your nose and get intimate, or is this a deal-breaker for you? This man is an adult and you are not responsible for ensuring his hygiene. If he is having a health issue, or has mobility issues which impact his ability to clean himself, he can ask for help, but if he is happy to maintain this level of hygiene, then that is his choice. Yours is to figure out if you want to spend your relationship tracking your partner’s shower schedule, not having sex as often as you would like, or under the conditions that you prefer. You do not need to do the emotional labour of spending your time on hygiene patrol.
If you state that you will have sex with him only if he is clean, you are clearly stating your boundaries and the circumstances under which you will consent to sex. A refusal from him to respect this reasonable request is a sign from him that he does not respect your comfort levels, your boundaries, or your consent. It’s not a huge ask for a partner to be clean, but it is a huge red flag if he disregards your needs, as well as his own health.
This is a new relationship, so it is wise to reflect on your future here before you get further invested in the relationship. You don’t have to settle for someone who does not respect your boundaries, or for someone who is willingly neglecting his personal care. Ask yourself if you see a future in the relationship if the hygiene issue is resolved. What positives exist in the relationship? Does he treat you well, or align with your values and goals? He has his levels of acceptable behaviour; what are yours? Shower issues aside, be honest with yourself about how the relationship is beyond your frustrations. Remove any sense of obligation to the relationship. You don’t owe this person anything. If you aren’t happy otherwise, you have some choices to make.
There’s animals out there would wear the same shirt three days in a row.
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They don’t get next or near a woman though
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I heard it can make you into an asexual.
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Claiming you can get 2 days out of a pair of jocks by turning them inside out
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It reminds me of this.
The chap from the story is now married, someone out there for everyone I suppose.
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Not to the girl in the story?